Tag Archive: Jesus
The Skull Island Times > Jesus
H. Seitz
January 18, 2021
Divine Advice
30 Rock, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Jesus, Sarah Palin, Satan, Tina Fey
Dear DA, This pandemic has been rough on everyone, and I know that I’ve had it relatively easy with my mansions and wealth and indoor Rascal scooters. This is actually a part of the problem. I’ve gained a little weight over the winter, which is normal, especially during a year like this, but by a little I mean 150 lbs. I knew I was eating more than usual, and mainly comfort food like ice cream and pork rinds. Honestly, I’ve been topping the ice cream with pork rinds that I refry in butter. I know it sounds disgusting, and it is, but it’s the kind of thing you hate yourself for eating, which makes you want to eat it even more. There’s also my cheese problem. I can’t stop eating cheese. I keep a chunk on my nightstand. Gnawing on it is the last thing I do before sleeping and…
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RK Galaga
January 4, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, George Floyd, Jesus, Joe Biden, John the Baptist, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Satan, Wuhan
Original graphic by Dixie Allan
Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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H. Seitz
December 21, 2020
Divine Advice
Brad Pitt, Facebook, Instagram, Jesus, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York Times, Nicholas Kristof, Pornhub, Santa, Satan, TikTok
Dear DA, What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same. Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’. I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks. Give me back my damn Pornhub! Sincerely, Mr. T Dear Mr. T, Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car,…
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H. Seitz
December 14, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Jesus, Richard NIxon, Satan, The Squad, William Henry Harrison
Dear DA, Recently, the “Squad” and I got criticized for arguing with Obama over defunding the police. They said we, and especially me, were ranting and raving at him like a bunch of deranged harpies. All I said was that people in poor neighborhoods had been complaining about this for years, and no one listened until the word “defund” came into play. I like Obama, and he didn’t have a problem with the discussion or criticism. He used to ask for it. But the Trump supporters did. Anyway, he grew up in Hawai’i, or according to them, Kenya, and I lived in the Bronx. A relatively nice part of the Bronx, but still the Bronx. It’s the part of NYC most people only visit to watch the Yankees, and they generally stay within one block of the stadium. Because the cops care about the Yankees. As far as the rest…
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H. Seitz
November 30, 2020
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Blake Lively, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Satan
Dear DA, I’m so hot, most guys would pay me $50 to spit in their face and stomp on their nuts. As far as chopping off pieces of finger, or pooping on beds, who’s to say he wasn’t into it? Marriage is complicated. Sure I’m about the same size, over 20 years younger, and in much better shape than him, but he’s a man, so I’m the victim. Even though he was kind of a bitch. He’s even worse than my new girlfriend, who I’ve also had to slap around a little. She looks all meek and innocent, but the constant bitching and moaning when all I want to do is relax and watch my stories drives me crazy, and I’ve warned her 100 times. Men have said this about hitting women, and I’m going to say it about Johnny and men in general. Sometimes, they deserve to be hit.…
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RK Galaga
November 16, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Bristol-Myers Squibb, AOC, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Goldman Sachs, Jesus, Joe Biden, Johnson & Johnson, Kamala Harris, Marilyn Monroe, Nell Carter, Pfizer, Satan
Dear DA, As promised, I will speak to all Americans, especially those who didn’t vote for me, and I’m going to start right now. I know that Trump’s election had nothing to do with racism (LMAO), but look on the bright side. For the next four years, you can bash Kamala Harris as much you want, for whatever reason. Most of you won’t say the “N” word at least not in public, but we all know you’re thinking it, and I’m not even sure she’s black. All I know is that she isn’t white, and from what I can tell, that’s good enough for you. Just wait another eight years until AOC is president. She’ll give you healthcare and income equality, or at least she’ll try, but you’ll want to murder her because she’s Mexican. Or Guatemalan? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. We’re back to the status quo bitches! I got…
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H. Seitz
November 9, 2020
Divine Advice
Beck, Donald Trump, Jesus, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Guilliani, Satan, Scientology, the Joker, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I still know Trump is going to win and everything is going to be fine. But just in case, what do you think about Scientology? I know you have to start at the bottom, by cleaning Tom Cruise’s cars and some other weird shit, but for a guy like me, there might not be a lot of other options left. From what they tell me, I sign over all my assets, which at this point, isn’t all that much. For Trump, as his lawyer, I think it’d be a massive win. He gets a new job cleaning hubcaps and they get his billions of dollars of debt. Still, as a tax-exempt “religion,” I think this could work out for all of us. Trump is practically a cult leader as it is. You put these two massive cults together and BAM! Trump 2024. Or Cruise-Trump 2024. I hear they…
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H. Seitz
November 2, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Fifty Shades of Grey, Green New Deal, Jesus, John the Baptist, Mary Magdalene, Revlon, Satan
Dear DA, I’ve gotten a lot of criticism for the Green New Deal, apparently from people who haven’t even read it. It’s only 11 pages long, and in a big font, and has lots of bullet points. No paragraph is longer than three or four sentences. I should have included memes about ponies and unicorns. They say I’m crazy, that I don’t understand economics, that what I want to do will bankrupt America, but that just isn’t the case. If you read it, I basically want to make America a developed country again. Clean water, clean power, and affordable healthcare, and they want to crucify me. I know you’ve been crucified, and it doesn’t look good. Other countries have shown us several ways to have better, cheaper healthcare that covers everyone. Really, any other way than ours. I don’t think these people understand just how much a billion dollars is.…
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H. Seitz
October 26, 2020
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Avatar, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, James Cameron, Jesus, Lex Fridman, Satan, The Terminator, Total Recall
Dear DA, You’d think I’d be at the level of a Bond villain by now, cackling maniacally from my sinister lair, but in reality, I’ve kind of fallen into a rut. It’s not just NASA, the damn Russians are even worse. There’s simply too much emphasis on bringing people home alive. What’s so great about home? Or for that matter, being “alive.” Do you feel alive right now with all of that paperwork in front of you? I certainly don’t. I’m ready to go to Mars right this second. That crazy man who tied balloons to his lawn chair? That man is a hero. A goddamn hero. It had to be done (it had to!), and he did it. How can I convince these eggheads that to make an omelet, you have to be willing to sacrifice hundreds or thousands or millions of lives? And there are plenty of people…
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H. Seitz
October 19, 2020
Divine Advice
Audrey Pence, Donald Trump, Hunter Pence, Jesus, Karen Pence, Mike Pence, Satan
Dear DA, What the heck is wrong with this country? Did you know that people can still be hung for treason? Not that I’m, um, personally concerned. I’m mean I’m still for the death penalty, obviousy, but what the heck? Hanged? I thought it’d be a prostitute who snaps my neck when I least suspect it, or at least some kind of sex robot or sex drone. Something, you know, more kind of civilized. As far as that fly on my head, I thought it showed my iron will and determination. My doctor told me that I’ve been legally dead for the last three years, but what do those eggheads know about anything? I know this is technically against the “rules,” but do you think you could give me a sneak peek into me and Trump’s preordained 1000 year reich, or, um, rule? I’ll bet they’ll be ice sculptures and…
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