Author Archive: RK Galaga
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: RK Galaga
RK Galaga
September 23, 2022
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Bob Saget, Candice Cameron Bure, Cobra Kai, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Fuller House, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, MAGA, Norm MacDonald, Only Murders in the Building, Satan, Selena Gomez, Super Bowl, The Orville, The Other Guys, Tom Brady, World Series, Yankees
Hi guys, I’m technically a Catholic, but not a practicing one. I’ve committed the sin of using birth control thousands of times, including premarital sex, and I’m also superstitious. I’ve invoked the ghost of Babe Ruth several times, which is technically worshiping a false idol, and that alone is enough to get me crucified, but am I really such a bad guy? No disrespect intended, but I’m a mere mortal, and I came through in the clutch when it mattered the most, and you guys–well, to put it politely, haven’t. I’m more of an old-school player, but stats can be useful, and based on the stats, I wouldn’t trust either of you in a high-pressure situation. For supposedly all-powerful phantoms, you guys are kind of lousy and indifferent. I just don’t think you have the competitive drive to win a World Series, let alone save the world, and the numbers…
Read more
RK Galaga
March 30, 2022
Divine Advice
Bad Boys For Life, Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Jackie Chan, Jada Pickett Smith, Men in Black III, Rush Hour, The Karate Kid, Will Smith
Dear DA, I really don’t know what the big deal is. I’m just an ordinary guy who slaps his maids and butlers like everyone else, and how am I supposed to teach my children how to behave properly if I can’t even be a good example for them on TV? I know Chris Rock isn’t technically my butler, but you expect a certain standard from the maitre’d hotel, and he didn’t even bring me a wine list. And then he goes off and insults my bald, beautiful wife? So what if she looks like a 14-year-old boy? I wouldn’t have it any other way. At least I still won the championship of being an actor, I should have won years ago for Men in Black III and Bad Boys for Life. I told the producers we should have spelled it Bad Boys 4 Life, and they didn’t listen and I…
Read more
RK Galaga
March 13, 2022
Divine Advice
Cap'n Crunch, Captain Crunch, Joe Biden, Kanye West, Netflix, Starbucks
Deary DA, I’ve been the captain of the S.S. Guppy since 1963, which is so long the years kind of blur together. I’ve seen war, plague, pirates, and monstrous ocean creatures only you could have conceived of. Still, after nearly 60 years of service, I get no respect. Yes, I only wear the bars of a commander, but that’s because I’ve been too busy for a fancy bit of stitch work. I should be an admiral by now goddammit! An Admiral! But make no mistake, everyone on my crew knows who’s boss. Insubordination is punished with the lash, and I will kill a man if he even hints at mutiny. My savagery is detested by some, but what you cereal munching fools have to realize is that the existential war for the American Empire is never over. I have sacrificed more than just blood, sweat, and tears. I have sacrificed…
Read more
RK Galaga
February 18, 2022
Divine Advice
Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Ike Barinholtz, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jeremy Renner, Jesse Plemons, Jesus, Joe Rogan, Katy Perry, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Talented Mr. Ripley, The Martian, Zooey Deschanel
Dear Divine Advice, Who the hell is this Jesse Plemons character? He keeps stealing roles from me, and even worse, people are mistaking him for me! I mean look at the guy, all bloated with his potato-shaped head, puffy cheeks, and disgusting beer gut. I do all of my own stunts (well, some of them) and that guy couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant. I just did a google search of the guy and my name and picture come up with his–people think we look alike. This is the worst day of my life. Katy Perry and Zooey whatsherface, I can see the resemblance. Except for the knockers, they’re basically the same person, and all hot women look the same to me because I’m progressive. I don’t see color or gender, only hotness. I’m so progressive I support fucking mannequins, because it’s more environmentally friendly than building sex robots. You…
Read more
RK Galaga
January 31, 2022
Divine Advice
Evander Holyfield, Hostess CupCakes, James Buster Douglas, Joe Rogan, Mike Tyson, Neil Young, Spotify, Taylor Swift
Dear Jesus and The Devil, After Spotify chose ratings and corporate profits over the truth, I realized there’s only one thing I can do to save America from all the deadly misinformation: I have to fight Joe Rogan. He has accepted my challenge, though, for some reason, I get the sense that he thinks I’m only kidding. Still, I’m planning on being at the “octagon,” (whatever the hell that is) at the agreed-upon day and time, ready to rumble. If he chooses not to show up, well then, the world will know that he’s nothing but a big ole’ coward. After reading his Wikipedia page, I see that he’s a black belt in a bunch of martial arts and is probably pretty good at fighting. I kind of wish I had read that before issuing the challenge, but it’s too late to back out now. Do you think you guys…
Read more
RK Galaga
December 20, 2021
Divine Advice
Annie Ross, Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Jackie Cooper, Jesus, Margot Kidder, Richard Prior, Robert Vaughn, Satan, Superman, Superman III, The Devil, Warner Brothers
Dear DA, I don’t like being sucked into politics, but lately, I’ve been getting heat from both sides. Some liberals hate me for my toxic masculinity, which I admit is a problem. I can’t just punch all of my problems into outer space. I mean I can, but I shouldn’t. On the other side, conservatives can’t stand that I’m bulletproof, but have somehow twisted my invulnerability into a reason they need even more guns. As a person of bulletproofness(?), and an increasingly jaded one, I couldn’t give two shits one way or the other. I’ve pretty much stopped saving people unless they’re extremely attractive, and even then, being Superman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. One window washer I caught claimed that I touched him “inappropriately,” and somehow Disney is trying to sue me, too? When posing as a human, I work as a stringer for a newspaper (Pa…
Read more
RK Galaga
December 13, 2021
Divine Advice
Alanis Morissette, Billie Eilish, Chuck Tingle, Dave Coulier, Mary Magdalene, R.K. Galaga, Taylor Swift
Dear DA, I’m the hottest woman on earth. Everything wants to fuck me, men, straight women, animals. But once I hook up, I get dumped, so what the fuck’s up? I went camping and woke up to a bear humping my leg. At first, I tried to shoo him away, but he was very sweet. His name was something like “ARGHH!” or some roaring sound, but I understood him, so I gave him the ride of his life, and don’t pretend you aren’t jealous. Anyway, I wake up the next morning, and he’s gone. I’m already writing a song about him called “Who’s the Beast Now You Stupid Fucking Bear?” I know that technically he’s a beast, but it’s irony. Is something wrong with me? Is it the banjo? Should I stop playing the banjo? I know people hate it, but it’s a big ask from my perspective, and I’m…
Read more
RK Galaga
November 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Babe, Galactus, Hellboy, Homestyle Buffet, Jesus, Paul Bunyan, Satan, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal
Dear DA, I may not be the greatest basketball player of all time or even the best center, but when it comes to eating pancakes, I stand alone. Even when colleges were recruiting me, the one thing that impressed coaches more than my size and natural athleticism was my Shaqernatural ability to eat pancakes. You can google it. All of them agreed I was destined for greatness, and every single coach I ever ate breakfast with still talks about the insane amount of pancakes I can put away.(I mean amount, not number, because when I eat, food is measured by cubic kilo). I was feared on the court, but I was even more feared at the Homestyle Buffet. Near the end, when I was pushing 500 pounds, they could hear me coming from across the parking lot and knew it was over. Check it: every city with an NBA team,…
Read more
RK Galaga
October 18, 2021
Divine Advice
Bridezilla, Colin Kaepernick, Donald Trump, Doogie Howser, James Harden, Jesus, Kayne West, KD, Kyrie Irving, Lebron James, New Jersey Nets, qanon, Ron Artest, Satan, Scottie Pippen
Dear DA, You know that show Bridezillas? Think of me as the bride. Sure I got the fancy wedding and everyone put up with my crazy bullshit, but was it perfect? Was it? These moments don’t come around often, so when they do, it’s got to be all about me. With me, KD, and James Harden, the Nets got a real shot at a chip. The only problem is that NY requires people to be vaccinated if they want to eat in strip clubs or go to enormous sports arenas, even superstar athletes like me. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not getting that fucking vaccine for anyone. Assuming the Nets keep me, I stand to lose $17 million, a shot at a championship, and the chance to infect players, strippers, coaches, physical trainers, medical staff, reporters, vendors, more strippers, janitors, and fans from all over the country,…
Read more
RK Galaga
October 11, 2021
Divine Advice
Apollo 15, Apollo 16, Apollo 17, Buzz Aldrin, Buzz Lightyear, Charles Duke, David Scott, Ed Wood, Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Elon Musk, Harrison Schmitt, Jesus, Lance Armstrong, Miley Cyrus, Neal Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Pokemon, Satan, Tim Allen
Dear DA, I’m writing this letter on behalf of David Scott (Apollo 15), Charles Duke (Apollo 16), and Harrison Schmitt (Apollo 17). All of us have been on the moon and we’re all still alive thanks to moon radiation, but Dave, Charlie, and Harry are well aware that the young people today are more concerned with their Miley Cyrus and Pokemon–whatever the hell those words mean–than men who have actually set foot on the fucking moon. Before we go, we wanted to set a few things straight for that weaselly Elon Musk fellow. The guy sounds like he was squirted out of a moose pimple and some idiot named it. Maybe he would have made it as an astronaut if not for his caved-in chest and his rickets, but I doubt it. Back in my day, people had the sense to know that just because a feller was rich didn’t…
Read more
