Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Hulk Hogan

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve always been true to my Hulkamaniacs, sticking to the Four Demandments: train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and always believe in yourself. All of my success—both inside and outside the squared circle—depended on me following these rules. But something has just happened that is causing me to question everything. Yesterday, I saw The Fate of the Furious at the local multiplex. It was an IMAX 3-D version on the biggest screen in LA, and it was awesome. Definitely the best movie I’ve seen since Babe II: Pig in the City. Anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he was pounding my asshole with his huge cock, all the while yelling “Smell what The Rock is cookin! Smell what The Rock is cookin!” When I woke up this morning I was covered in my own jizz.…
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Super Truther

Melvin scrolled through his Facebook feed and shook his head. How could people be so blind? He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but it was difficult to discuss these things person to person. Out in the real world who knows what might happen? And it just didn’t seem polite.   He took a deep breath and started to type. He didn’t know it, but the feeling of being heard, of standing up for your beliefs, felt like getting high. The anticipation of attention made him high. He tingled as he typed. 9/11 was an inside job, the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled demolition, it’s obvious to anyone who sees the footage but none of you wants to see! The globalists have you all hypnotized, you believe whatever the mass media feeds you. Wake up!  How could people not see the plain truth right in front of their…
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Divine Advice for Scott Pruitt

photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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Divine Advice For Very Confused

This week’s Divine Advice was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, Amy Poehler is not Sexy. What can I do? Fondly, Very Confused Dear Very Confused, I’m not sure why you capitalized the “S” in sexy, but I get what you’re saying. The reason I decided to make her unsexy is I was just sick of everyone thinking that blond chicks had to be sexy all the time. For once, I wanted to make a blond that was appreciated for her mind and sense of humor instead of her looks. Ha, I’m kidding, of course. She’s not smart or funny either. To be honest, I let the “baby Jesus” version of myself make her, and that was just the best he could do. Hey, cut the lil’ guy some slack—he’s still learnin’. Anyway, you asked what you can do. Not much really, except…well, this is going to…
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Divine Advice For Scardey Cat

Dear DA, I was googling porn at work, nothing too crazy, just things like “white shit”, “donkey dildo”, and ” mega anal.” After a couple hours, I got an email telling me that I was a pervert, and it was signed “Sincerely, Google.” Does this mean that Google is God now? And if so, is the mighty Google good or evil? I tried to google these questions but I didn’t get a definitive answer. I’m afraid to use Google now, what should I do? Also, there’s this new movie I’ve heard about called Beauty and the Beast. I’m assuming it’s rated X and that I’ll love it, but like I said, I’m afraid to use Google. So what do you think? Is it worth $15? Sincerely, —Scaredy Cat Pervert Dear Scaredy Cat Pervert, If Superman was still around, I’d command him to throw you into the sun. And it is…
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Divine Advice for Comic Book Sexy Dude 69

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve been reading your column since the early 90’s. If I remember correctly, didn’t it used to be advice from Superman and Lex Luthor? Whatever happened to those guys? Sincerely, —Comicbooksexydude69 Dear Comicbooksexydude69, Superman and Lex Luthor did fill in for us for a few months back in the early 90’s, I was in serious need of some personal time. Being The All Powerful All Knowing King of Heaven and Earth can be stressful. In any case, I had to let Superman and Lex Luthor go, primarily because of Superman. If you haven’t already noticed, Superman doesn’t exactly have the largest skill set when it comes to solving problems. He either punches his problems really hard, burns his problems with his heat vision, or throws his problems into outer space, and Lex Luthor always agreed with him. There was never any conflict, and that makes for dull…
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Divine Advice For Herbie the Love Bug

Dear Divine Advice, I was raised Catholic, and was told growing up that there was no such thing as ghosts (aside from The Holy Spirit, of course). However, one day I woke up to find my spirit possessing a 1985 Volkswagen Beatle. I’m not quite sure how I got here, and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do now. Is my new purpose to help a young boy win a race or the love of a young girl he’s sweet on, or is it to avenge my own death. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t remember my own death. Shall I assume I was hit by this car? I need answers! Sincerely, Herbie the Love Bug Dear Herbie the Love Bug, Apparently, you neglected to look in your glove compartment, where I left you a note explaining your mission. Every once in a while, we decide…
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Dishwasher

9 a.m. to 6 p.m. My first day on the job. I heard the dishwasher I was replacing arguing with a female supervisor. He had worked from 6 p.m. to 9 a.m. and she was claiming that he had only worked for three hours. He protested sadly. Being a poor, black, 40 some odd year old dishwasher, he knew he was going to lose.  The Sheraton Hotel. Of all the dishwashing machines I had ever encountered, this one was the largest and meanest. The water was never below boiling. No plastic gloves were supplied.  The first hour wasn’t bad. There were no dishes. Only a few pots and pans. I took care of them and smoked cigarettes. The chef approached me and ordered me to skin potatoes. He was a small, greasy looking man. I skinned potatoes, smoked cigarettes, and listened to the radio. For $7.00 an hour, I could…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon

Dear Divine Advice, I really need some help. I should probably see a psychologist but I lost my job, I don’t have any health insurance, I’m not even sure if it would’ve covered a psychologist anyway. The good news is I can still write letters. Anyway, it started about two weeks ago. I stepped into a giant pile of dogshit and screamed “MONKEYS!” Kind of a weird thing to scream in that situation. My friends laughed at me, we were all pretty drunk, it just seemed kind of random. But the next day, my friend Lucy said hello to me and instead of saying hello back I screamed “MONKEYS!” She looked at me funny, I tried to apologize but when I opened my mouth I screamed “MONKEYS!” again, I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop screaming “MONKEYS!”. That episode passed, but in the days to follow…
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Movie Review- Lego Silence of the Lambs

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Did we need a re-make of Silence of the Lambs? Probably. Did it have to be a Lego movie? That, I’m not so sure of. One thing I do know for sure—Anthony Hopkins has really lost his shit. Rumor has it that the idea for a Lego: Silence of the Lambs movie came to him in a dream, and the very next day he got on the phone with director Jonathan Demme to pitch it. When Demme said he wasn’t interested in remaking his 1991 masterpiece, Hopkins decided to direct it himself. Knowing he’s never directed an animated movie before, he decided he would keep things simple by following the original film shot for shot. The problem is, he insisted on working completely from memory, and he hasn’t watched the film since it’s premiere 26 years…
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