Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Anne Hathaway

Dear DA, I have a reputation for being a crazy bitch, but the last 18 years have been stressful for me. Ever since The Princess Diaries was released in 2001, I’ve been working out three hours a day six days a week, and my diet has consisted of nothing but celery, yogurt, and one peanut a month. It’s difficult to be “perky” when you’re living on 400 calories a day and constantly exercising. I was finally getting used to it when I had to wear that catsuit in the Batman movie. They raised me up to four peanuts a week so I could build some muscle mass, but I was almost 30 at that point and it was hard to go back to just one peanut when we were done shooting. Now I’m 35, or as women actors in Hollywood call it, six years past my expiration date. I haven’t…
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TV Review- The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory Rated TV-MA Full disclosure: I’ve never actually seen The Big Bang Theory, but I already know that I hate it. How do I know? To start, the commercials do an excellent job of showing the viewer exactly what to expect, which is crap. Pure, unmitigated crap. This show has a laugh track. I’ll bet that when people kiss, the laugh track goes “ooooooo!” The TV-MA rating is another dead giveaway. Kaley Cuoco and the other blond chick aren’t getting naked and making out with a TV-MA, which leaves hetero males and lesbians exactly zero reasons to watch. Lastly, the people who actually like this show are reprehensible. No offense, but you’re honestly some of the worst people on earth. You’re the reason suicide bombers want to blow us up. How you can willingly choose to watch this crap episode after episode, year after year, when a…
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TV Review: Bones

Bones TV-MA Bones is the kind of show you leave on in the background while vacuuming. It will live on in syndication forever because housewives and the unemployed need something to distract themselves from the sad state of affairs they call existence. Instead of getting drunk or looking for a job, they can just turn on TNT and phase out until suppertime. And then get drunk. I made it through season one of Bones and I still have no idea what it’s about. Like Charmed, The Closer, and most TNT fare, Bones is hypnotic in its banality. Even when they’re doing something that should be interesting, like discovering a corpse or chasing down a bad guy, it’s bland. I keep expecting one of them to ask me to switch to Splenda or try H&R Block’s accounting software.   David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel have all the chemistry of an ant…
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Divine Advice For Bartolo Colón

Dear Jesus and Satan, I was watching the Texas Rangers play and saw Bartolo Colón was pitching. I figured it must be Bartolo Colón’s son. I saw Bartolo Colón pitch for the Indians in 97, so there’s no way that he could still be playing. He’d be a fat old man. But the Bartolo Colón pitching was a fat old man, and he still had some life in his fastball. My first thought was that he must be juicing. Look at that old lard. He looks like a drunk security guard or an old-timey butcher, and he’s still touching 90mph with his heater. My kids don’t play baseball. The entire I reason played baseball (and apparently still do) is so they wouldn’t have to. It isn’t just the juice they’d need to stay strong and crazy, it’s all the hallucinogens, cocaine, and opioids, too. I didn’t want my kids going…
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TV Review: Modern Family

Modern Family TV-PG At first glance, Modern Family appears to be progressive despite its standard archetypes. We have the goofy dad, the two hot moms, a hot 18-year-old girl pretending to be 14, and two guys living together. Gloria Delgado (the feisty latina hot mom) is played by Sofia Vergara, age 45. Her husband is played by Ed O’Neil, age 72, most famous for his role as Al Bundy on Married… with Children. This time around, he plays the exact same character, except old and rich. It’s like Al Bundy won the lottery, dumped Peg, and married a trophy wife. The other hot mom is also a housewife, and so is one of the gays. So we have a sitcom about three “modern” families. All three of them are led by rich white patriarchs, all three of them have wives that don’t work, and all three of the husbands have…
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Divine Advice For Alden Ehrenreich

Dear Divine Advice, I think I ruined Star Wars. What should I do? Sincerely, Alden Ehrenreich Dear Alden Ehrenreich, You know what? You did ruin Star Wars. You want my advice? Go to a fuckin’ zoo and feed yourself to a Wookiee. Or a tiger—I’m so angry right now, I don’t remember which one of those is real. I created a lot of animals, but there were also blueprints for some that never got made. Over the years, I’ve gone and put some of those rejects in movie scripts. Not directly, of course. I use a process I like to call Divine Osmosis. I whisper bits of ideas to writers while they’re sleeping or drunk. I don’t pretend to be much of a writer myself—at least not until recently. I’m actually the One who wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It wasn’t easy for me to let…
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Lena Dunham’s Happy Days

Happy Days: The Awakening Rated TV-MA For the love of God, another reboot. But let’s put that aside for a moment. I consider myself to be a “woke” individual. I’m an alcoholic who shoots speedballs and frequently cries in front of prostitutes and I refuse to judge myself (or let anyone judge me) for any of it. But Lena Dunham’s Happy Days is beyond temporally biased. It isn’t even insane as much as it’s totally incoherent. The Fonze is played by Rosie O’Donnell. And that’s about the only thing I’m sure about. As far as who anyone else is supposed to be, it’s anyone’s guess. Maybe it’s my unacknowledged biases coming through, but I’d assumed that Jackie Chan was playing Arnold. But apparently, he’s supposed to be Potsie? Or maybe Mrs. Cunningham? One minute he’s talking to Todd Bridges about picking up chicks, the next he’s wearing an apron and…
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Divine Advice For Jeff Sessions

Dear Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and Satan His evil but necessary counterpart, I’m starting to think we bet on the wrong horse. The problem with this latest kids in cages debacle is that we put little kids into cages. The demented harpies who voted for Trump aren’t going to stand for this, seeing little kids suffering makes them weak in the ovaries. And Trump saying it’s the Democrats fault, and then saying an executive order wouldn’t be enough, and then saying congress had to do it, and then caving and signing an executive order anyway. This is a lot to swallow even for a Trump supporter. We’d need a miracle to survive the midterms after this. Or a deal with the Devil. Either way, as long as we Make America Great Again or accomplish whatever the hell it is we’re supposedly doing. We’re a bit short on souls,…
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The Pathological Liar

His name was Barney. I met him at the farmer’s market in Union Square 14 years ago on a hot summer day in August. He was depressed because his second wife Zelda had just left him. It had always been Zelda’s dream to raise mink in upstate New York, so it shouldn’t have surprised Barney when she finally left him, but it did anyway. Maybe he was in denial, as so many of us are in the face of inevitable disappointment. She cleaned him out. Their savings, credit cards, checking accounts, everything. So now he was stuck selling vegetables on the weekends to make ends meet. He was a cobbler by trade, and apparently that’s still a viable career, but without the profits he made from selling his zucchinis, tomatoes, and kale, he would have lost his apartment and been out on the street. He needed the apartment because that’s…
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TV Review- Family Ties: The Tie That Binds

When I first heard about this, I thought “great, another fucking reboot.” Is Hollywood really this creatively bankrupt? (Yes.) With The Transformers reboot, at least there was the chance that today’s technology could give us a paradigm-shifting experience (and it did! Seven times!). And reboots of 90s classics like Sabrina the Teenage Witch just make sense. Who wouldn’t want to watch a cat puppet talk to a girl we’re not sure how to feel about wanting to hump? But Family Ties? Really? The only reason it worked in the first place was the spank-bankability of Meredith Baxter-Birney. Without the sexual tension between her and Michael J. Fox, what’s the point? I’m happy to report that I was wrong. Dead wrong. Family Ties: The Ties That Bind melds all of the classic archetypes of the original with today’s dystopian angst. We still have the liberal dad (Jeff Goldblum), the hot mom…
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