Tag Archive: Jesus
The Skull Island Times > Jesus
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October 12, 2020
Divine Advice
Alex P. Keaton, Andrew Yang, Beelzebub, Donald Trump, Family Ties, Harris, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Joe Biden, Kamala, Lord of the Flies, Revenge of the Nerds, Ronald Reagan, Satan, The Atlantic, Tulsi Gabbard
Dear DA, Am I seeing and hearing what everyone else is seeing and hearing? What the hell is wrong with this country? Trump gets asked about white nationalists, he tells them to standby, and 40 million Americans still want to vote for him? If Ronald Regan had pulled that shit he would have been out, and that was 40 years ago. I’m not some spring chicken, I’ve been around the block, and I seem to remember a lot of this shit, like the propaganda on FOX News, literally being illegal when I was a kid. But oh no no. We geniuses in congress figured that the American people were stupid, but not that stupid, so why keep a law that’s no longer necessary? We never stopped to consider that maybe this law seemed unnecessary because it was working. It’s like throwing away your fire extinguishers because your house hasn’t been…
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October 5, 2020
Divine Advice
Donald Drumpf, Donald Trump, Filet-O-Fish, Fish-O-Filet, Jesus, McDonald's, Melania Trump, Rube Goldberg, Satan
Dear DA, I got this friend, he’s got real problems. Actually, he’s brilliant, and he’s doing great, but you see, I think he got tricked. First Fauci said NO MASKS!, because the first responders needed them, and we didn’t really have any. Then all of the sudden masks are everywhere, and he says WEAR A MASK! What the hell is wrong with this guy? You know I was the one who shut down China? It could have been worse, much much worse, and I don’t even think it’s really this guy’s fault. If that dumb bitch Melania would have just stayed in her dungeon, none of this would have happened, but she had to take a bite of my Fish-O-Filet sandwich. I know it was you, Melania, don’t you lie to me! And she got her dirty China Virus all over it. What has the world come to when even…
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September 28, 2020
Divine Advice
Jesus, Office Space, Peter Gibbons, Pierre Gibbons, Ron Livingston, Satan
Dear DA, I may be old and battered, but I feel as young and spry as a Millennial. About a year ago, I rushed into a burning building to try and save my neighbor. She ended up dying in the hospital after weeks of agony, and the firemen had to rescue me, too. Truth be told, I’m still pretty fucked up. My advice, if you see a burning building, is to run away from it, not toward it. Anyway, they gave me a medal, or participation trophy, for trying, and I can’t help feeling a little conflicted about it. While I still had it on, on the way back to my apartment, a little girl on the sidewalk asked me why I got the medal. I told her I got it for running into a burning building. She asked me if I was a fireman because I looked way too…
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September 14, 2020
Divine Advice
David Berkowitz, Drew Barrymore, Firestarter, Frosted Flakes, Hitler, Jesus, John "Pillow Pyro" Orr, Julio Gonzalez, Satan, The Son of Sam
Dear DA, I know, I know, I know. This looks bad. Really bad. And I couldn’t have picked a worse time, what with the COVID-19, protests, and the weird NBA bubble. Why did they have to use the word “bubble”? In better times, didn’t it mean something else, like if a team was on the bubble? But now, it’s like, they’re stuck in a bubble, in a town? So now I’m not even sure what bubble used to mean. As far as the fire, the thing is, well, we’ve all been kind of stir crazy, you know? And my internet went down, so no Twitter, no Netflix, no nothing. I tried to read, but the book was boring, so I set it on fire, and watching it burn was so much better than reading it, I couldn’t stop. I tried to read another book, but it was boring, too, so…
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August 31, 2020
Divine Advice
Ellen DeGeneres, George Takei, Iron Man, Jesus, Met Gala, Richard Simmons, RuPaul, Saruman, Satan, Star Trek, Violet Beauregarde, Willy Wonka
Dear DA, Help me. My entire life I’ve always been myself, as seemingly bewildering and embarrassing as that is. Then I disappear under shady circumstances and people are concerned for all of two seconds, and that’s it. These people have their talons in me, and there’s nothing I can do. I’m literally being imprisoned and robbed from within my own home, and no one cares. Nothing. Crickets. Maybe if I was more popular, or a bigger star, or didn’t wear such creepy short shorts, more people would care about me. If I was a good looking white woman, society wouldn’t stand for this. But a creepy old man with a jew-fro is apparently fair game. This is just like the Gestapo all over again. Please, help me! Sincerely, Richard Simmons Dear Richard Simmons, I’m sorry, but this wallowing in self-pity is beneath you. And it’s completely unfounded. Never in human…
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July 27, 2020
Divine Advice
Hitler, Jesus, Lamborghini, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Mickey Mantle, Mike Trout, Satan, Trump
Dear DA, I’ve been blessed to be the second coming of Mickey Mantle, but cursed to be on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Awful team, awful name, and honestly, everything except the weather stinks. Most of the strip clubs close at 1:30 am. I mean seriously, thanks a lot for that extra half hour. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure Disney has something to do with it, they’ve always been a bunch of sadistic punks. Anyway, playing in empty ballparks is surreal. At first, it was difficult to get used to this weird new feeling I had, like inner peace. After the first few innings, it hit me, and while I’m ashamed to admit it, I’m happier playing baseball without the fans. To put it bluntly, I hate them, and maybe humanity in general. What kind of loser pays good money to watch grown men play a ridiculous game? And…
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July 13, 2020
Divine Advice
Big Mac, Bill Skarsgard, Burger King, Coke, Fry Guys, Grimace, It, Jesus, John Schnatter, McDLT, McDonald's, McRib, Officer Big Mac, Papa John's, Popeye, Ronald McDonald, Satan, Shamrock Shake, The Duke of Doubt, The Hamburglar, Tim Curry, Wimpy
Dear DA, This shutdown has been rough for me. I literally have billions of burger patties and McNuggets that have been piling up in warehouses for months. Fortunately, most of our food never goes bad, but still, it’s been a logistical nightmare. Most of our regular customers look and feel better than they have in years, and they’re beginning to put two and two together. They still miss our food, but they don’t miss the flop sweat on the toilet or the heart palpitations. At this point, our food is pretty much out of their systems. They’re still addicted to soda, but no one comes to McDonald’s for the soda. I’m still evil just like all clowns, but even I have my limits. How do I get these people back, and do I even want to? And assuming I do want to change, what should I do? There aren’t many…
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July 6, 2020
Divine Advice
Abby Hornacek, Ainsley Earhardt, Ann Coulter, Britt McHenry, Carley Shimkus, Dana Perino, Donald Trump, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Gretchen Carlson, Heather Nauert, Jesus, Jillian Mele, Kat Timpf, Katie Pavlich, Kayleigh McEnany, Kellyanne Conway, Laura Ingraham, Laurie Dhue, Martha MacCallum, Megyn Kelly, Satan, Shannon Bream, Suzanne Scott, Tomi Lahren, Trish Regan
Dear DA, I know that we’ve had our differences, but you’ve got to admit that you were impressed when I said, with a straight face, that Trump “is the most informed person on planet Earth when it comes to the threats that we face.” Technically, Trump is one of the biggest threats we face, so you could argue that I was actually telling the truth since Trump knows himself better than anyone, but you’d be wrong. The only test of self-awareness Trump passed was the mirror test, and he yelled at the mirror that it was fake news. The way he is on TV isn’t an act, and all of the worst things you’ve heard about him are absolutely true. He tries to grope me every day, and he keeps calling me Ivanka and accusing me of being a fickle tease. I understand that the conspiracy theories of willfully ignorant…
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June 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Charles Koch, David Koch, Hitler, Jesus, Mother Teresa, Satan
Dear DA, Why is it so difficult for most Americans to understand that all I and most of the “radical” right want is to go back in time to a mythical dreamland that never really existed? Where there were milkmen in blue onesies, wives always had supper waiting, and everyone was white. And when are black people going to understand that no matter how many of them “die,” that’s no good reason to damage property or disrupt revenue streams? I get it, I want to protest myself sometimes, especially when it comes to taxes. My net worth of $48 billion might sound like a lot, but really, it isn’t nearly enough. Regardless, when I want to pout, I put on my big-boy pants and do it alone in my garage as God intended. I would never dream of tainting an NFL football game with politics. I know that the media…
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May 25, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Ford, Donald Trump, Jesus, Mitch McConnell, Satan
Dear DA, For the record, no, Trump did not wear a mask. For him, I think you’d need a gentle leader or a muzzle. Or maybe a choke chain. Trump is worse than my Golden Retriever Zippy. Not only did he refuse to wear a mask, he kept licking the bumpers and chewing on the seats. He said robots made the cars anyway, and robots can’t get the virus, right? And if they can, you should hire better robots. If I seemed exasperated when I spoke with the press, it’s because I was. I asked him to put on his mask at least a half dozen times, to stop playing with the machines and pushing all the buttons. I was this close to hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, but he’s somehow the President, and I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’ve never met another human being like him.…
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