Tag Archive: John Schnatter

Divine Advice For Ronald McDonald

Dear DA, This shutdown has been rough for me. I literally have billions of burger patties and McNuggets that have been piling up in warehouses for months. Fortunately, most of our food never goes bad, but still, it’s been a logistical nightmare. Most of our regular customers look and feel better than they have in years, and they’re beginning to put two and two together. They still miss our food, but they don’t miss the flop sweat on the toilet or the heart palpitations. At this point, our food is pretty much out of their systems. They’re still addicted to soda, but no one comes to McDonald’s for the soda. I’m still evil just like all clowns, but even I have my limits. How do I get these people back, and do I even want to? And assuming I do want to change, what should I do? There aren’t many…
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Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin

Dear DA, In Soviet Union, official policy is we do not believe in the God and the Satan. And yes, is still Soviet Union. But I ask because I believe advice is good. Maybe I consider invading Ukraine and dog’s bark sounds like “Ukraine!”, so I attack. If advice good, is good, whether come from mouth of dog or chicken. My great joy in Soviet Union is breaking horse. The moment when horse finally breaks, it gives me, how you say? Multiple orgasm. Is like woman, yes? No means yes. I look forward to breaking Trump, I savor the anticipation of his limp body when he finally submits. But he cheats me. He breaks too easy. Now I need new horse to conquer. Perhaps Eastern Europe? Was next on list after Trump, but I did not expect to be horny again so soon. I Must Break You, Vladimir Putin President…
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