Tag Archive: Stephen Baldwin
The Skull Island Times > Stephen Baldwin
H. Seitz
October 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Bio Dome, Brett Kavanaugh, Charles Nelson Reilly, Christine Blasey Ford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, Donna Rice, HBO, Hitler, human centipede, Jesus Christ, Lindsey Graham, Milo Yiannopoulos, Porky Pig, Ronald McDonald, Rose McGowan, Satan, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, Supreme Court, Zac Efron
Dear DA, I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure. Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas. At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true. Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2018
Divine Advice
Ajit Pai, Breach, Chris Cooper, Cold War, Donald Trump, Hitler, Jesus, John Schnatter, Robert Hanssen, Russia, Satin, Soviet Union, Stalin, Stephen Baldwin, Vladimir Putin
Dear DA, In Soviet Union, official policy is we do not believe in the God and the Satan. And yes, is still Soviet Union. But I ask because I believe advice is good. Maybe I consider invading Ukraine and dog’s bark sounds like “Ukraine!”, so I attack. If advice good, is good, whether come from mouth of dog or chicken. My great joy in Soviet Union is breaking horse. The moment when horse finally breaks, it gives me, how you say? Multiple orgasm. Is like woman, yes? No means yes. I look forward to breaking Trump, I savor the anticipation of his limp body when he finally submits. But he cheats me. He breaks too easy. Now I need new horse to conquer. Perhaps Eastern Europe? Was next on list after Trump, but I did not expect to be horny again so soon. I Must Break You, Vladimir Putin President…
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H. Seitz
April 23, 2018
Divine Advice
Charles in Charge, Fonzie, Fozzie Bear, George W. Bush, Happy Days, Henry Winkler, Nicole Eggert, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, The Fonz
Dear DA, In light of the recent political climate, I am very concerned about my iconic portrayal of the Fonz. Having sex with all those teenage girls in the garage of some kid I bullied, heyyy!. This is America. Nothing wrong with that. But my treatment of jukeboxes troubles me. Is this AI thing for real? And will the robots realize that I’m just an actor, that I had no choice but to hit those machines? If I had known then what I know now, I would have snapped my fingers at the jukeboxes and hit the teenage girls instead. Like a normal adult pretending to be a teenager in the 50s. Heyyy! I’m concerned because the AI might learn from the Fonz that this is the best way to solve your problems. Something not obeying you or doing what you want it to? Thwack! And here comes that sweet…
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H. Seitz
March 11, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic, Christian, Donald Trump, Evangelical, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus, Mel Gibson, Mike Huckabee, Mormon, Pope Francis, Rick Santorum, Roy Moore, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Satan, Stephen Baldwin, Tom Cruise, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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