H. Seitz
July 26, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amy Adams, AOC, Batman, Diane Lane, Dick Grayson, Jeff Bezos, Jessica Rabbit, JFK, Kryptonite, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, Nightwing, Robin, Superman, Vladimir Putin
Dear DA, Lately, I’ve been having serious doubts about my decision-making skills. I have good intentions, but maybe they do pave the road to hell. I adopt street urchins and orphans, which is good, right? Then I train them to live a life 1000 times more dangerous than being a street urchin. And for some reason, I built a fucking Batcave on the moon. Do you have any idea of how much that cost, and not just in money, but in human lives? Maybe I should have given that money to the Gotham Police Department instead and founded Bat Soup Kitchens and Homeless Shelters. I could have provided everyone in America with free Bat Healthcare, but instead, I needed a Batcave on the moon, for “reasons.” And the Bat Space Shuttle, and the flying Batcave, and all this other ridiculous crap. I spent $5,000,000 last year on bat-shaped throwing stars.…
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H. Seitz
June 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Batman, Jesus, Jor-El, Justice League, Kal-El, Krypton, Kryptonite, Lana Lang, Lara, Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Phantom Zone, Satan, Superman
Dear DA, I went into a bookstore a few days ago–I know, I know, I can’t believe any of them exist anymore, either. Anyway, I went in, and I noticed that you guys are in the religion section, while Thor, Zeus, and some of my other pals are in mythology, or fantasy. And I wasn’t even really in the store. There were non-fiction books about me, but no tales of my heroic deeds, which I can live with, but feel is a bit unfair. You guys send locusts and plagues and destroy entire cities for sodomy, while I’ve saved the world more times than I can count, and you can’t find me unless you go into a comic book store. In any case, none of this really bothers me. As Superman, I’m above that kind of pettiness, but it did begin to make me worry. I know you’re planning on…
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H. Seitz
September 23, 2019
Divine Advice
Aflac, Batman, Ben Affleck, Boston Tea Party, Derek Jeter, Dr. Strange, Dwayne Johnson, James Bond, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Spiderman, The Rock, Twilight, Vision
Dear DA, The Rock wants to beat me up, and it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything, but you’ve got to help me. The truth is, I could totally kick his ass, but I can’t risk using my karate on him. I’m actually a double black belt, so I’m not even really allowed to fight him. The whole thing started because of Derek Jeter. I was on the ESPYs with him and he was taller than me, and that’s a problem. First of all, it’s rude. Doesn’t that guy have enough already? Secondly, I’ve kind of been lying about my height. I’m already tall, but everyone lies, so everyone else has to lie or it doesn’t make any sense. If I’m supposedly 6’4” and Jeter is 6’3” and he’s taller than me, the entire facade begins to crumble. I tried to talk some sense into him and out…
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H. Seitz
September 16, 2019
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Judas, Kevin Spacey, Kraken, Matt Damon, Poseidon, Satan, Wayne's World
Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
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H. Seitz
June 17, 2019
Divine Advice
10 Cloverfield Lane, Batman, Bruce Willis, Cannon Ball Run, Carrot Top, Dom DeLuise, Jesus, John Hodgman, Justin Bieber, Justin Long, Justin Thureaux, Justin Timberlake, Kirk Cameron, Live Free or Die Hard, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Robert Pattinson, Robin Hood Men in Tights, Satan, The Oliver Garden, Wolverine
Dear DA, What happened to me? For awhile, I was everywhere. Nobody really wanted to see me, but there I was. I was even in a Die Hard movie. Live Free or Die Hard. What the hell happened? Mary Elizabeth Winstead was in Live Free or Die Hard, too. She played Bruce Willis’s daughter. I could have had her, but I didn’t think she was famous enough for me. How the hell could I have been so stupid? She’s the kind of girl you marry no matter what. You know she’s going to ruin your life, but it’s worth it. Have you seen what she looks like in her panties? You get to see her in her panties in 10 Cloverfield Lane. It’s a terrible movie, but it has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in her panties. I bet you’re googling her right now. Now you’re typing “panties” after her name and…
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H. Seitz
June 10, 2019
Divine Advice
Ali Wong, Arrested Development, Aunt Becky, Batman, Candice Cameron, Chelsea Noble, Christian Bale, David Copperfield, Doogie Howser, Family Ties, Fuller House, Harold and Kumar, Jason Bateman, Justine Bateman, Kirk Cameron, Laurie Loughlin, Mallory Keaton, Meredith Baxter-Birney, Michael Gross, Michael J. Fox, Neil Patrick Harris, Netflix, NPH, Randall Park, Sandy Duncan, Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf 2, Teenwolf, Teenwolf too, The Hogan Family, Tiny Yothers, Valeri Bure, Valerie Harper
Dear DA, I’ve led a charmed life, especially for a former child actor. People were offering me blow and prostitutes by the time I was 14, and it was really difficult to say no. To be honest, I didn’t say no all the time. What 15 year old boy could turn down an 8-ball with a Sunset Strip whore? But I didn’t end up dead or crazy or a religious freak like Kirk Cameron, so it’s probably all for the best. But if we’re being completely honest, I’m still a little bit jealous of Kirk Cameron. He was always on the cover of Tiger Beat and really blew up in a way I never quite did. They had me on a few times, too, but it always felt like I was subbing for someone else. The same with Teenwolf, Too. Michael J. Fox says no and they need another bland…
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H. Seitz
January 14, 2019
Divine Advice
Batman, Bob Backlund, California Raisins, Country Time Buffet, Donald Trump, GNC, Gold's Gym, Hulk Hogan, Jesus Christ, John Cena, Pat Patterson, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Satan, Slim Jim, Stephanie McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Devil, The Rock, The Ultimate Warrior, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Wrestlemania
Dear DA, You heard it here first. I, Vince McMahon, am running for President of the United States of America. Once Trump won, he showed crazy, rich, unqualified white guys everywhere that our dreams can come true, too. I’m just like Donald Trump, only younger, stronger, and more well-muscled. I may not be the president this country needs, but I’m the one it deserves. I even had my daughter abducted once. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. I can bench press 450 pounds, I once ate 14 pounds of rotisserie chicken at the Country Time Buffet, and a for a few months in 2004, I was Batman. Every billionaire tries to be Batman at least once. Even Bill Gates tried it. Physically, he was pitiful, but he more than made up for it in sheer evil. If it wasn’t for Windows, we’d have a colony on Mars by now.…
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H. Seitz
November 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Al Roker, Aquaman, Batman, Beyonce, Captain America, Don Lemon, Goulies, Hitler, Jesus, John Legend, John Lennon, Johnny Storm, Namor, Nazis, Satan, Stan Winston, Superman, Teddy Ruxpin, The Beatles, the Human Torch, The Invaders, The Submariner, WOnder Woman, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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H. Seitz
July 16, 2018
Divine Advice
Anne Hathaway, Batman, Colossal, Jesus, Love and Other Drugs, Princess Diaries, Satan
Dear DA, I have a reputation for being a crazy bitch, but the last 18 years have been stressful for me. Ever since The Princess Diaries was released in 2001, I’ve been working out three hours a day six days a week, and my diet has consisted of nothing but celery, yogurt, and one peanut a month. It’s difficult to be “perky” when you’re living on 400 calories a day and constantly exercising. I was finally getting used to it when I had to wear that catsuit in the Batman movie. They raised me up to four peanuts a week so I could build some muscle mass, but I was almost 30 at that point and it was hard to go back to just one peanut when we were done shooting. Now I’m 35, or as women actors in Hollywood call it, six years past my expiration date. I haven’t…
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H. Seitz
November 20, 2017
Divine Advice
Al Franken, Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, the Joker, Val Kiilmer
I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to come right out and say it. For most of my adult life, I’ve been dressing up as a giant bat at night to go out and fight with clowns. I say clowns plural because, well, clowns are kind of hard to tell apart. This was the whole reason for my no killing rule. The first time I went out, I basically murdered an innocent clown. I’m also color blind, so that doesn’t help at all. Clowns are a lot tougher than they look. A lot tougher. The Joker, the main clown I fight with, started out as a circus clown. I know he has a lot of other origin stories, but trust me, I know. He was just a regular circus clown, and I guess being a circus clown is a pretty lousy job. In addition to being…
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