Divine Advice For Don Lemon

Dear DA,

I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible.

It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are.

Is it racist to notice?

According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism.

It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.

It’s a little bit trickier for Aquaman. If he’s in the water, he’s totally racist. If he’s just wet, he can be racist against minorities, but not white people in America or Chinese people in China. If he’s dry, he can only be racist against black people and transexuals, except for when they’re swimming or taking a shower.

Anyway, I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to ask, but there is something I’ve been wondering about.

What is the afterlife like? Is it different for everyone? For example, if my idea of heaven includes Beyonce and her idea of heaven doesn’t include me, do I get my own version of heaven with Beyonce while she gets her own version of heaven with whoever? And if this is how it works, is the Beyonce in my heaven the real Beyonce?

Racist Don Lemon

Dear Don Lemon,

Has anyone ever told you that you look like John Legend? It’s not racist for me to say that because I’m black—or at least sometimes I am. Not in that picture over there, but… whatever, you get the idea. Anyway, you’re quite handsome and I have to confess I have a little bit of a crush on you. And that wasn’t easy for me to come to terms with given that I was extremely homophobic for about 2,000 years. Do you realize you’re the first man I’ve ever really been attracted to? Sure, I did a lot of “just friends” spooning with the Apostles but they were practically women. Hairy, smelly women. So yeah, you really make me feel things. CNN may be fake news, but you give me a real boner.

As for your question… It probably comes as no surprise, but Beyonce’s in everyone’s Heaven. You’re right, though—it’s not the real Beyonce. It’s robots. That’s why I had to bring Stan Winston up here so soon. We all would have loved a nostalgic Goulies reboot with animatronics instead of CGI, but I needed that robot-building genius up here making Beyonce-bots for the righteous. Let me tell you, Stan’s skills are even more amazing now that he’s dead. The work he’s doing makes those Japanese AI sex bots look like Teddy Ruxpin.

—Jesus the Smitten
p.s. I’m not one to gossip, but you’ll never guess who’s slated to be in Beyonce’s Heaven. Al Roker! If that doesn’t make you jealous, I don’t know what would.

Dear Don Lemon,

I’ll be honest here—I often get you and Van Jones mixed up. It’s not because I think all black people look alike. Well, it sort of is. I actually think most humans look alike. Because your names are so similar, I’d probably get you and John Lennon mixed up if he wasn’t already down here in Hell. Did you know he used to beat Yoko? Most people don’t. And the real reason she showed up to all those Beatles’ practices was that he forced her to. Because he was such a possessive, jealous fuck. So if you want to blame anyone for breaking up the band, blame John.

Speaking of assholes, if Superman, Aquaman, and the rest of the DC superheroes were real, they’d all be Hell-bound, too. You want to talk anti-Semitism, those guys didn’t lift a finger to stop Hitler and the Nazis. Maybe Batman gets a pass because he’s just a normal guy without powers and would have probably failed the Army’s psych evaluation. Wonder Woman gets a pass, too, because I don’t think they let women fight back then. But Superman—he could have won WWII all by himself in about 30 seconds. And Aquaman could have taken out the entire Nazi navy if Superman wanted to let him feel useful. Meanwhile Captain America, Namor and the original Human Torch (the android, not Johnny Storm) were all doing their part. In the comics, at least.

Goddam, I wish someone would make an Invaders movie. Although those Hollywood fucks would probably be too chickenshit to give Namor his ankle wings. In all fairness, the wings do look ridiculous.

—Satan the Comic Book Geek

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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