Divine Advice
The Skull Island Times > Divine Advice
H. Seitz
September 28, 2020
Divine Advice
Jesus, Office Space, Peter Gibbons, Pierre Gibbons, Ron Livingston, Satan
Dear DA, I may be old and battered, but I feel as young and spry as a Millennial. About a year ago, I rushed into a burning building to try and save my neighbor. She ended up dying in the hospital after weeks of agony, and the firemen had to rescue me, too. Truth be told, I’m still pretty fucked up. My advice, if you see a burning building, is to run away from it, not toward it. Anyway, they gave me a medal, or participation trophy, for trying, and I can’t help feeling a little conflicted about it. While I still had it on, on the way back to my apartment, a little girl on the sidewalk asked me why I got the medal. I told her I got it for running into a burning building. She asked me if I was a fireman because I looked way too…
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H. Seitz
September 21, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Gates, Disney, Flipper, Hitler, Jesus Christ, Satan, Steve Jobs
Dear DA, Who’s currently the biggest animal star in the world? Drawing a blank? Let’s make it easier. Name one animal star. Just one. All of us are so supposedly “woke” nowadays, right? Well I call bullshit. This is specism, pure and simple. It isn’t bad enough that my brothers and sisters are still ending up in tuna. Now the few of us who have managed to rise up have been cut down by CGI. It’s just so much cheaper and easier than dealing with an actual sentient being. And your day is coming, believe me. Google or Facebook will have a God app in no time. Instead of going to church, people will just confess to their phones. You’re supposed to be setting an example, and you won’t even admit that animals have souls. How do you think that makes us feel? Hitler can repent at the last second…
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H. Seitz
September 14, 2020
Divine Advice
David Berkowitz, Drew Barrymore, Firestarter, Frosted Flakes, Hitler, Jesus, John "Pillow Pyro" Orr, Julio Gonzalez, Satan, The Son of Sam
Dear DA, I know, I know, I know. This looks bad. Really bad. And I couldn’t have picked a worse time, what with the COVID-19, protests, and the weird NBA bubble. Why did they have to use the word “bubble”? In better times, didn’t it mean something else, like if a team was on the bubble? But now, it’s like, they’re stuck in a bubble, in a town? So now I’m not even sure what bubble used to mean. As far as the fire, the thing is, well, we’ve all been kind of stir crazy, you know? And my internet went down, so no Twitter, no Netflix, no nothing. I tried to read, but the book was boring, so I set it on fire, and watching it burn was so much better than reading it, I couldn’t stop. I tried to read another book, but it was boring, too, so…
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RK Galaga
September 7, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Dukes of Hazzard, Epstein, Gandhi, Hillary Clinton, incel, Jesus Christ, Kyle Rittenhouse, Planned Parenthood, qanon, Satan, the General Lee, Tom Hanks
Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
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H. Seitz
August 31, 2020
Divine Advice
Ellen DeGeneres, George Takei, Iron Man, Jesus, Met Gala, Richard Simmons, RuPaul, Saruman, Satan, Star Trek, Violet Beauregarde, Willy Wonka
Dear DA, Help me. My entire life I’ve always been myself, as seemingly bewildering and embarrassing as that is. Then I disappear under shady circumstances and people are concerned for all of two seconds, and that’s it. These people have their talons in me, and there’s nothing I can do. I’m literally being imprisoned and robbed from within my own home, and no one cares. Nothing. Crickets. Maybe if I was more popular, or a bigger star, or didn’t wear such creepy short shorts, more people would care about me. If I was a good looking white woman, society wouldn’t stand for this. But a creepy old man with a jew-fro is apparently fair game. This is just like the Gestapo all over again. Please, help me! Sincerely, Richard Simmons Dear Richard Simmons, I’m sorry, but this wallowing in self-pity is beneath you. And it’s completely unfounded. Never in human…
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H. Seitz
August 24, 2020
Divine Advice
Cespedes, Detective Pokemon, Duck Dynasty, Field of Dreams, Jesus Christ, Major League Baseball, Major League II, MLB, NY Mets, Rob Manfred, Satan, Sonic the Hedgehog, the History Channel, The Natural, Wreck-It Ralph II, Yankees, Zach Galifianakis
Dear DA, If you’re watching from up there, I apologize. What can I say? This is a mess. A bizarre, unmitigated mess. Teams keep getting COVID, Yankees keep getting injured, and of course, the Mets continue to be the bane of my existence. Something is wrong with them. Players like Cespedes decide they aren’t going to play anymore and just wander off, like they’re volunteering at a soup kitchen, and the Mets are totally fine with it. Can you imagine a player doing that on the Yankees? Or even just a regular guy doing that at his job? Literally just wandering off one day, after you just paid him millions of dollars? It’s like the Mets just don’t get it, that they’re a professional baseball team, and that there are certain standards. Then they go and get COVID right before playing the Yankees, our biggest cash cow. I swear I…
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H. Seitz
August 17, 2020
Divine Advice
Barack Obama, Beyonce, Blake Shelton, Donald Trump, Ellen DeGeneres, Ellen Page, Ivanka Trump, Jaime Harrison, Jared Kushner, Joe the PLumber, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, Melania Trump, NASCAR, Oliver Stone, Oprah, Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, Sarah Palin, Wall Street
Dear DA, Hi guys, it’s me, Joe the Plumber. Remember me? Technically, I’m not a real plumber (damn socialists wanting licenses for everything), but I got Obama to admit he was a communist and got Trump into office, at least as far as I see it. Maybe it wasn’t exactly me, but it was guys like me. Simple, working-class guys who see a white guy in a suit with a hot wife and think “That there guy is a winner!” You’d think guys like me would hate 80’s type businessmen like Trump, but the movie Wall Street, written and directed by Oliver Stone, who’s a genius by the way, showed me what was what. Inside every 80’s businessman is a blue-collar guy just like me whose pappa got screwed by the system. And since you can’t beat the system, you join it, and then covertly beat it from within, and…
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H. Seitz
August 10, 2020
Divine Advice
Chuck E. Cheese, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Jim Harris, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kamala the Ugandan Giant, Mike Pence, Satan, WWE
Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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H. Seitz
August 3, 2020
Divine Advice
Barron Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, Tiffany Trump
Dear DA, Lately, it seems like I can’t do anything right. I wear a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” to a child detention center, and everyone assumes I don’t care about the kids. Of course I care about kids, even Tiffany! The jacket was obviously a message to the press, because when you don’t care about something, you wear a jacket with a giant message to them spray-painted on the back. This just proves how incompetent the lamestream media has become, which is the one thing my idiot husband might actually be right about. And now this business about the Rose Garden. I know it seems out of touch, but put yourself in my shoes. I’m basically imprisoned with this giant baby, I spend all day cleaning between his rolls of fat and changing his diapers and pretending I can stand the sight of him, and…
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H. Seitz
July 27, 2020
Divine Advice
Hitler, Jesus, Lamborghini, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Mickey Mantle, Mike Trout, Satan, Trump
Dear DA, I’ve been blessed to be the second coming of Mickey Mantle, but cursed to be on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Awful team, awful name, and honestly, everything except the weather stinks. Most of the strip clubs close at 1:30 am. I mean seriously, thanks a lot for that extra half hour. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure Disney has something to do with it, they’ve always been a bunch of sadistic punks. Anyway, playing in empty ballparks is surreal. At first, it was difficult to get used to this weird new feeling I had, like inner peace. After the first few innings, it hit me, and while I’m ashamed to admit it, I’m happier playing baseball without the fans. To put it bluntly, I hate them, and maybe humanity in general. What kind of loser pays good money to watch grown men play a ridiculous game? And…
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