Tag Archive: Gandhi

Divine Advice For Kyle Rittenhouse

Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
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Divine Advice For James Madison

Greetings and Salutations, As the author of the 2nd Amendment, I’m writing in to set the record straight. The Founding Fathers fully intended for every American to embrace his God-given right to unlimited firepower. We pre-supposed machine guns, mustard gas, and even nuclear weapons, and our attitude was and is that if you can afford it, it is your prerogative to bear it. All this nonsense about muskets or whatever you can hold in your arms, it’s communism is what it is! Americans were supposed to have mechanical arms by now, powered by steam, and able to hoist four score and seven muskets a piece. The Gatling gun was actually my idea. I tied six muskets round a wagon wheel. Because of the technological limitations of the day, I had to use slaves to powder and load the muskets and keep the wheel turning, but I had a steam prototype…
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Divine Advice For James Gunn

Dear DA, My wife is Jenna Fischer, AKA America’s Sweetheart. You know, the smoking hot secretary from The Office? Not the redheaded one, the original one. She is obviously way out of my league. I look like the kind of guy, if you were my high school principal and I complained to you that someone punched me in the face, you’d look at me for a few seconds and just kind of nod your head and say “yeah, I can see that happening to you.” Anyway, I love my wife. She’s one of those chameleon ladies who can look like an entirely new lady if she puts her hair into pigtails or wears glasses or braces. It tricks your body into thinking you’re fucking a new lady, which is what your body wants because of science. Back in 2006 or so, I was telling her how grateful I was to…
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Divine Advice For Annoyed And Worried Witch

Today’s Divine Advice question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine advice, I know we aren’t on good terms, I am a witch, and I learned that back when I uh developed a little more into womanhood so to speak. I am a water and earth witch, meaning I have a strong connection and bond to the Earth and Sea. I realize how awkward this must be, seeing as I acknowledge you, Jesus, as a human, and Satan as a fallen angel. I don’t really worship you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil and help one another. I digress, Today I had an encounter where some lady tried to tell me that me taking care of the earth and being a friend to the earth is a sin, and that I will burn in hell. I am a witch, so burning is a fate we must…
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