Divine Advice For Kamala Harris

Dear DA,

Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway.

It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.”

The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it.

This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t do. As long as you don’t say or do anything too crazy or embarrassing, most Americans are willing to let it slide.

We’ll all breathe a collective sigh of relief once Trump is gone, but then what? There’s still climate change, income inequality, China’s growing influence, Russia’s cyberattacks, nuclear testing in Iran, etc, and I don’t have a clue what to do about any of it.

As for Joe, he barely even knows where he is half the time.

Frankly, I’m scared shitless.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Kamala Harris

Dear Kamala,

It’s true the road ahead is going to be tough. The only advice I have is to gain 400 lb., paint a white skull on your face and a moon and stars on your chest, and wear nothing but a tribal necklace and a leopard print skirt because only by channeling the power of your father Kamala the Ugandan Giant can you realize your true destiny.

Sure that gimmick will be hard to pull off in today’s political climate—it’s probably one of the most racist gimmicks in WWE history—but people are pretty nostalgic for old-time wrestling and the 80’s in general. Maybe wait for your first debate with Mike Pence and then go full Kamala. He’s afraid of black people as it is, and when he sees you made up like that, he’ll probably have a heart attack. Sure, then Trump will probably appoint his daughter/girlfriend Ivanka to be the new VP, but even that would be an improvement.

—Jesus Christ
p.s. Kamala the Ugandan Giant’s real name is Jim Harris, so don’t try to tell us he’s not your dad.

Dear Kamala,

Nobody gives a shit about Biden’s VP candidate because nobody is voting for Biden, they’re voting against Trump. Biden could pick a broken-down Chuck E. Cheese robot as his running mate and it wouldn’t matter. He could just put a sock puppet on one hand and say that’s his VP candidate and it wouldn’t affect his polling one bit. This is going to be a shit show of an election and it’s not just because both presidential candidates are the two worst men in the country. You have the virus making people afraid of voting, you have President railing against mail-in ballots, you have the actual problems with mail-in ballots and then you have the usual disenfranchisement and voter suppression efforts on top of all that. The fact is there is no way this ends well. If Trump wins, well, then we have four more nightmarish years of crumbling democracy, civil unrest and humiliation on the world stage. If Trump loses, he throws a match over his shoulder on his way out, inciting his horde to take to the streets and burn everything to the ground. He’s a spiteful little bitch.

You asked for “advice.” Not a very specific question, but here goes…

Keep your head down and wait for the smoke to clear. Don’t talk and don’t let Biden talk. Stand back and let Trump shoot himself in the ass because it’s the only chance any of us have.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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