Divine Advice
The Skull Island Times > Divine Advice
RK Galaga
February 15, 2021
Divine Advice
Darth Vader, Gina Carano, Jabba the Hutt, Jawas, Star Wars, The Mandalorian
Dear Divine Advice, The last time I wrote in, I was only a little canceled, but now it’s for real. The way the angry Internet mob is coming after me is eerily similar to when a certain group of people got together and demanded that the Romans execute you. I’m sure you hate it when people compare themselves to you, but this time, I think the shoe fits. Anyway, now that I no longer have a job I’m trying to figure out my options. Last time, you suggested either porn or professional wrestling, but I think I can do better. Do you have any other ideas? Sincerely, Gina Carano Dear Gina, I have to admit, I’m scratching my head on this one. In the old days, you would have been canceled for gaining a bunch of weight between seasons, but in modern times, letting yourself get fat just means you…
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RK Galaga
February 7, 2021
Divine Advice
Gisele Bündchen, Jesus, Satan, Tom Brady, Touchdown Tommy
Dear Divine Advice, I’m writing this the day before the Super Bowl, which I’m obviously going to win. I told the rest of my team not to sweat it; they can just get drunk, or show up late, or not at all and it won’t matter. I can win without them, and as usual, I’ll probably have to. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am. The fact is I’ve always hated football, and I hate it more and more every day. The years in which I win the Super Bowl are actually the worst because that’s one extra game I have to play in. I only got into this for the money and the chicks, and I already have more cash than I could ever spend, and I’m entirely sick of sex. The saddest part is, it might be too late for me to pursue my true passion: synchronized…
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RK Galaga
February 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Big, Bill Clinton, Bosom Buddies, Dogma, Hilary Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Kevin Smith, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Paul Bettany, Philadelphia, Pizzagate, qanon, Satan, The Da Vinci Code, Tom Hanks
Dear Divine Advice, I’m writing to you today to ask for strength. Last night, I watched the movie Big hoping to find secret proof of Tom Hanks’s involvement with QAnon, but the exact opposite happened. Instead, I found myself rooting for Tom and hoping for his safe return to suburban life. In the film, he’s actually a victim of pedophilia, not the perpetrator. I know it’s pretty common for abusers to have been abused themselves, so the story should have actually reinforced the theory. The problem is Hanks was just so damn likable, and it has caused me to question everything. If Q can be wrong about the most Hollywood man in Hollywood, who else could he be wrong about? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning from a dream that I was having a pleasant brunch with none other than Hillary Clinton herself. Hillary Clinton! The worst…
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H. Seitz
January 25, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Jesus, Jill Biden, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Terminator, William Henry Harrison
Dear DA, Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President? The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me. The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare,…
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H. Seitz
January 18, 2021
Divine Advice
30 Rock, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Jesus, Sarah Palin, Satan, Tina Fey
Dear DA, This pandemic has been rough on everyone, and I know that I’ve had it relatively easy with my mansions and wealth and indoor Rascal scooters. This is actually a part of the problem. I’ve gained a little weight over the winter, which is normal, especially during a year like this, but by a little I mean 150 lbs. I knew I was eating more than usual, and mainly comfort food like ice cream and pork rinds. Honestly, I’ve been topping the ice cream with pork rinds that I refry in butter. I know it sounds disgusting, and it is, but it’s the kind of thing you hate yourself for eating, which makes you want to eat it even more. There’s also my cheese problem. I can’t stop eating cheese. I keep a chunk on my nightstand. Gnawing on it is the last thing I do before sleeping and…
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H. Seitz
January 11, 2021
Divine Advice
Bill Cosby, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jesus Christ, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Rachel Maddow, Satan, Tiffany Trump
Hi Guys, Do you remember me? The “smart” one? This is purely a hypothetical question, but what exactly is the difference between sedition and treason, and is it true that America still hangs people? Jesus Christ this country is absolutely nuts. Let’s say a certain President’s daughter (probably Tiffany) helped to expedite shady dealings on behalf of her mentally ill husband—I mean father. Would that daughter be better off throwing Tiffany and her father under the bus? And why does everyone like Rachel Maddow more than me? I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball, too. I bet I could still do it now, but for a woman like me who actually has breasts, it just wouldn’t be ladylike. Sincerely, Ivanka Trump President 2024 Dear Ivanka, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call you the “smart” one, but you do seem to be better…
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RK Galaga
January 4, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, George Floyd, Jesus, Joe Biden, John the Baptist, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Satan, Wuhan
Original graphic by Dixie Allan
Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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H. Seitz
December 28, 2020
Divine Advice
Andrew Cuomo, Andrew Yang, AOC, Bill de Blasio, Chris Cuomo, Donald Trump, Joe Crowley, Mario Cuomo, Rudy Giuliani
Dear DA, I don’t want to be President anymore. I don’t even want to be Governor anymore. As the Governor of NY, I’m one of the only Governors anyone has ever heard of. Many people in the smaller states don’t even know who their Governor is. I actually had people calling me from Nashville, demanding that I find whoever blew up that RV and hang him. (All gender and racial equality aside, it was definitely a white guy. It always is.) One of them said that as Chancellor, it was my duty to personally hunt this maniac down and bring him to justice. I can’t help feeling that most Americans have a fundamentally flawed concept of how our government is supposed to work. Trump is, to put it diplomatically, unreliable, and while Joe will be better, the guy is 100 years old. You ever live in NY? The city? I…
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H. Seitz
December 21, 2020
Divine Advice
Brad Pitt, Facebook, Instagram, Jesus, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York Times, Nicholas Kristof, Pornhub, Santa, Satan, TikTok
Dear DA, What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same. Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’. I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks. Give me back my damn Pornhub! Sincerely, Mr. T Dear Mr. T, Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car,…
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H. Seitz
December 14, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Jesus, Richard NIxon, Satan, The Squad, William Henry Harrison
Dear DA, Recently, the “Squad” and I got criticized for arguing with Obama over defunding the police. They said we, and especially me, were ranting and raving at him like a bunch of deranged harpies. All I said was that people in poor neighborhoods had been complaining about this for years, and no one listened until the word “defund” came into play. I like Obama, and he didn’t have a problem with the discussion or criticism. He used to ask for it. But the Trump supporters did. Anyway, he grew up in Hawai’i, or according to them, Kenya, and I lived in the Bronx. A relatively nice part of the Bronx, but still the Bronx. It’s the part of NYC most people only visit to watch the Yankees, and they generally stay within one block of the stadium. Because the cops care about the Yankees. As far as the rest…
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