Divine Advice For Andrew Cuomo 2

Dear DA,

I don’t want to be President anymore. I don’t even want to be Governor anymore.

As the Governor of NY, I’m one of the only Governors anyone has ever heard of. Many people in the smaller states don’t even know who their Governor is. I actually had people calling me from Nashville, demanding that I find whoever blew up that RV and hang him. (All gender and racial equality aside, it was definitely a white guy. It always is.) One of them said that as Chancellor, it was my duty to personally hunt this maniac down and bring him to justice.

I can’t help feeling that most Americans have a fundamentally flawed concept of how our government is supposed to work.

Trump is, to put it diplomatically, unreliable, and while Joe will be better, the guy is 100 years old.

You ever live in NY? The city? I was born in Queens, and it’s exhausting. A lot of tired people everywhere, all the time, and you tell yourself that you aren’t going to let that happen to you, but somehow, it does. If you’re at all competent, suddenly all the work gets dumped on you.

I know I’m not the best Governor or even particularly clever. Everything I’ve done and am doing is really kind of obvious. Got an airborne disease? Wear a mask. You don’t want people clogging up hospitals and clinics? Distribute the vaccine to every neighborhood. They have to line up in the cold, which isn’t ideal, but thousands of relatively short lines are better than hundreds of incredibly long ones.

This basic, fifth-grade level aptitude has been my downfall. Now, everybody wants me to do everything. Honestly, I don’t even know where Nashville is, and I don’t really care. All I know is that we send them a lot of our taxes, so I told the guy I would help to fix the street (which will indirectly happen anyway), and that I’d put the FBI on it right away. Of course, I don’t have the authority to actually do that, but that’s what happens when someone tries to blow up a piece of a city.

I need an accurate sex robot of myself to take my place, just for a few days so I can get some sleep. The people in Japan keep saying they’re just not ready yet, so is there any way you could help them out?

Thank you in advance,
Governor Cuomo

Dear Andrew,

I don’t know how you did it, but you went from being the most popular Governor in America to the second most hated Italian man in New York City. You had already killed all those old people by the time everyone started fawning over you, so what made them suddenly turn on you? Maybe you were a victim of the liberals’ own “Gray Lives Matter” campaign, or maybe it’s that, unlike the last 60 years of American History, some old people were actually voting Democrat and you could have used all those geezers you murdered to pad Biden’s lead. As it was, the race was embarrassingly close, even in New York. Step foot outside of the Governor’s mansion, and it’s one giant MAGA rally between Albany and NYC. No wonder why you ordered everyone to stay inside—you didn’t want to look at all those stupid hats.

The fact is you needed Trump so you could seem competent in comparison, and now that he’s out the door, you’re becoming the new scapegoat. New Yorkers are sick of not being able to work or have brunch, and they’re sick of their kids. If Biden offers you a cabinet position, you should take it, because your days as Governor are numbered. Once Andrew Yang cleans up de Blasio’s mess, he’s coming for your job next. Think an incumbent Democrat can’t be primaried in NY? Tell that to Joe Crowley.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Andy,

It just so happens I have thousands of Andrew Cuomo bots built and ready to ship for the low, low price of your soul. I thought I already had your soul, but when I checked my inventory, I had your dad’s and brother’s, but not yours. I’d like to complete my collection. Full disclosure: the Andybots weren’t built specifically for what you’re planning on using them for, but they should be up for the task. Originally, they were made to be part of Giuliani’s eternal torment, but thanks to the deal he made with me, he’s not due to arrive here in Hell for another half millennium. That’s plenty of time to build new robots. You should know that the bots shoot lightning out of their dicks if anyone tries to jerk them off, and they explode if they get jizz in their ears. The ear thing wasn’t intentional; it’s just a design flaw that we found a use for. I think the people of Nashville will enjoy them.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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