Dear Divine Advice,
The last time I wrote in, I was only a little canceled, but now it’s for real. The way the angry Internet mob is coming after me is eerily similar to when a certain group of people got together and demanded that the Romans execute you. I’m sure you hate it when people compare themselves to you, but this time, I think the shoe fits. Anyway, now that I no longer have a job I’m trying to figure out my options. Last time, you suggested either porn or professional wrestling, but I think I can do better. Do you have any other ideas?
Sincerely,
Gina Carano
Dear Gina,
I have to admit, I’m scratching my head on this one. In the old days, you would have been canceled for gaining a bunch of weight between seasons, but in modern times, letting yourself get fat just means you have a positive body image. So why exactly did Disney fire you?
Compared to your previous transphobia and “COVID is a hoax” nonsense, your Nazi post seems almost thoughtful. Was it in poor taste? Maybe. I’ve been wearing this same white robe for so long that it’s now brown, so I’m not exactly the guy to ask about taste. If I were, Communion wafers would taste like chocolate chip cookies (just like my real flesh does).
I’d point out the anti-Semitism in your question, but you’re obviously a lost cause at this point. Also, when someone tries to compare their suffering to mine, it makes me pretty unsympathetic to their plight. As for career advice, if you don’t want to be a porn star or a wrestler, I guess you could always just be a straight-up prostitute. Theoretically, you could get back into MMA, but that would require dieting, exercise, and probably a time machine.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Gina,
I don’t care what anyone says; I think the weight looks good on you. I like my male goats slim and my female humans multi-chinned, and you’ve got some of the sexiest chins I’ve seen in a long time. My favorite is the third one down from your mouth because it looks like an uncooked biscuit.
Before you say no to porn, I want you to take a look at the script I wrote. The working title is The Mandawhorian, but I’m not married to that. My favorite part is the orgy scene where you’ll be jerking off two little people (I call them “Jowas”) while a giant slug monster (I call him Jabby the Hott) fucks you in the ass with his tail. I’ll be playing Dorth Vibrator and in the grand finale, you’ll be swallowing my litesabre until I bust a load on your tits. The way I see it, you’re going to end up fucking monsters for free when your down here in Hell, so you might as well get paid for it while you’re still on Earth.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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