Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
July 8, 2020
Fiction
Harry Seitz, How I Met Your Mother, Mabel
I met this charming bird in a boutique just south of Oxford Street between Regent Street and Charing Cross Road. I asked her if she’d like to go out to dinner with me, maybe for some Chinese, since Chinatown was just a few blocks south. She said that it was lovely of me to offer, but if it was all the same to me, she’d rather just shag straight off in a little room she had in the back. I asked her why she had a little room in the back of a boutique and she just smiled and laughed at me like I was an idiot. Perhaps what they said about European women was true, “they” being American men who had been abroad, and “what they said” being that European women are the best women on earth. Of course they were flighty and crazy like all women everywhere, but…
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H. Seitz
July 6, 2020
Divine Advice
Abby Hornacek, Ainsley Earhardt, Ann Coulter, Britt McHenry, Carley Shimkus, Dana Perino, Donald Trump, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Gretchen Carlson, Heather Nauert, Jesus, Jillian Mele, Kat Timpf, Katie Pavlich, Kayleigh McEnany, Kellyanne Conway, Laura Ingraham, Laurie Dhue, Martha MacCallum, Megyn Kelly, Satan, Shannon Bream, Suzanne Scott, Tomi Lahren, Trish Regan
Dear DA, I know that we’ve had our differences, but you’ve got to admit that you were impressed when I said, with a straight face, that Trump “is the most informed person on planet Earth when it comes to the threats that we face.” Technically, Trump is one of the biggest threats we face, so you could argue that I was actually telling the truth since Trump knows himself better than anyone, but you’d be wrong. The only test of self-awareness Trump passed was the mirror test, and he yelled at the mirror that it was fake news. The way he is on TV isn’t an act, and all of the worst things you’ve heard about him are absolutely true. He tries to grope me every day, and he keeps calling me Ivanka and accusing me of being a fickle tease. I understand that the conspiracy theories of willfully ignorant…
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H. Seitz
June 29, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Andrew McCarthy, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Ducky, Glasses Girl, James Spader, Jesus Christ, John Hughes, Jon Cryer, Made in Manhattan, Mitch McConnell, Molly Ringwald, Pretty in Pink, Randy Feenstra, Satan, Steve King
Dear DA, Well it’s official: we are on the brink of the Apocalypse. AOC, or as I like to call her, Glasses Girl, just won her primary, and I just lost mine, and she had to go rub my nose in it by calling me out on Twitter. To be fair, I kind of accused her of being a shifty Mexican liar, but the only reason I even mentioned her name was to see if she’d pay attention to me. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but it’s like one of those teen movies where I’m the Superstud Jock and she’s the nerdy Glasses Girl. My plan was to win a bet with Mitch McConnell that I could take her to prom and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her when we went up onstage to get our crowns, but somewhere along the way, I fell for her…
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H. Seitz
June 22, 2020
Divine Advice
Colin Kaepernick, Die Hard, Hans Gruber, Jarome Iginla, John Tortorella, NASCAR, Tim Tebow
Dear DA, When it comes to protesting, we just can’t seem to get it right. So for taking a peaceful knee before a football game, I humbly apologize. When most Americans stand for the national anthem in front of 60,000 spectators before starting their shift, they don’t take a knee, no matter how much revenue they generate for the league or how little the league cares about issues directly impacting their communities. So if they can suck it up, I suppose I can, too. These poor people already had to hear about minorities being brutalized on the news, and there I go making them think about it again on gameday? Haven’t they already suffered enough? Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Tens of thousands of veterans died defending our right to blindly worship a piece of cloth, and I should respect them by respecting that piece of cloth…
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H. Seitz
June 15, 2020
Divine Advice
Anne Hathaway, Brown Bunny, Christian Bale, Christopher Nolan, Cillian Murphy, Hans Zimmer, Heath Ledger, J.J. Abrams, Katie Holmes, Liam Neeson, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Pornhub, The Dark Knight, Tom Hardy, Vincent Gallo
Dear DA, It seemed extravagant at the time, but I’m thanking my lucky stars I bought my Dolby home theater when I did. The difference is like watching Pornhub on your phone vs being in an actual whorehouse. You want to hear my famous “BWAANG!” sound the way I intended, it’s the only way to go. We’re all working really hard on Tenet, which may be the last major studio release ever. Of all the things affected by COVID-19, the cinema being shut down has probably hit me the hardest. I’ll be sitting around knackered and think to myself that a nice trip to the cinema would be just the thing, but then I remember the cinema is no longer an option. They’ll reopen for Tenet, for one last gasp as they say, and that’ll be that. Maybe Drive-Ins will make a comeback? My “BWAANG!” sound doesn’t quite come through…
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H. Seitz
June 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Charles Koch, David Koch, Hitler, Jesus, Mother Teresa, Satan
Dear DA, Why is it so difficult for most Americans to understand that all I and most of the “radical” right want is to go back in time to a mythical dreamland that never really existed? Where there were milkmen in blue onesies, wives always had supper waiting, and everyone was white. And when are black people going to understand that no matter how many of them “die,” that’s no good reason to damage property or disrupt revenue streams? I get it, I want to protest myself sometimes, especially when it comes to taxes. My net worth of $48 billion might sound like a lot, but really, it isn’t nearly enough. Regardless, when I want to pout, I put on my big-boy pants and do it alone in my garage as God intended. I would never dream of tainting an NFL football game with politics. I know that the media…
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H. Seitz
June 1, 2020
Divine Advice
Amy Klobuchar, Andrew Yang, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Beyonce, Bringing Down the House, Derek Chauvin, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gene Wilder, George Floyd, Jell-O, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, Pocahontas, Silver Streak, Skittles, Steve Martin, Tulsi Gabbard
Original photo by David Lienemann
Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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H. Seitz
May 25, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Ford, Donald Trump, Jesus, Mitch McConnell, Satan
Dear DA, For the record, no, Trump did not wear a mask. For him, I think you’d need a gentle leader or a muzzle. Or maybe a choke chain. Trump is worse than my Golden Retriever Zippy. Not only did he refuse to wear a mask, he kept licking the bumpers and chewing on the seats. He said robots made the cars anyway, and robots can’t get the virus, right? And if they can, you should hire better robots. If I seemed exasperated when I spoke with the press, it’s because I was. I asked him to put on his mask at least a half dozen times, to stop playing with the machines and pushing all the buttons. I was this close to hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, but he’s somehow the President, and I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’ve never met another human being like him.…
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H. Seitz
May 18, 2020
Divine Advice
Axl Rose, Baron Munchausen, Bucket, Chinese Democracy, Dr. Pepper, Head, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Knocking on Heaven's Door, Louise Linton, Mountain Dew, Nancy Pelosi, Roseanne Barr, Satan, Slash, Steven Mnuchin, Taco Bell, Tootsie Rolls
Dear DA, My entire life, I’ve been cursed. Right after I finished high school, they built a Taco Bell right next to it. Half the reason I moved to LA was for burritos. And I used to love Dr. Pepper, but I got into a fight with Dr. Pepper, so no more Dr. Pepper, and if you don’t drink Dr. Pepper, what are you supposed to get at Taco Bell? Mountain Dew? They have these disgusting energy drinks on tap now, too. I was never happy with anything or anyone or the world in general. Slash was okay, but I needed Bucket Head. Once I got him, I couldn’t stand him. I wish everyone except Bucket Head would wear a bucket on their head so I wouldn’t have to look their stupid blubbery faces. I barely graduated from high school, but at least I know what the American flag looks…
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H. Seitz
May 4, 2020
Divine Advice
AOC, Benjamin Button, Charlie Brown, Donald Trump, Ewan McGregor, George Takei, Jesus, Jim Caviezel, Leonardo Da Vinci, Madonna Litta, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Neil Patrick Harris, Obi Wan Kenobi, Passion of the Christ, Phil Donahue, RuPaul, Satan, Sofía Vergara, The Phantom Menace
Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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