Divine Advice For Axl Rose

Dear DA,

My entire life, I’ve been cursed. Right after I finished high school, they built a Taco Bell right next to it. Half the reason I moved to LA was for burritos. And I used to love Dr. Pepper, but I got into a fight with Dr. Pepper, so no more Dr. Pepper, and if you don’t drink Dr. Pepper, what are you supposed to get at Taco Bell? Mountain Dew? They have these disgusting energy drinks on tap now, too.

I was never happy with anything or anyone or the world in general. Slash was okay, but I needed Bucket Head. Once I got him, I couldn’t stand him. I wish everyone except Bucket Head would wear a bucket on their head so I wouldn’t have to look their stupid blubbery faces.

I barely graduated from high school, but at least I know what the American flag looks like, and that washed up ex-rock stars don’t have the same responsibilities as, say, the US Secretary of the Treasury. And somehow, we’re still doing a better job than him just by staying home and doing nothing.

When I first moved to LA, I was able to afford a crappy apartment working part-time as a dishwasher. Nowadays, it’d take at least 10 Axl Roses to afford a room. Not an apartment, a room. And they expect me to turn around and blame my clones?

Mnuchin looks like a rotten piñata made out of old wax paper with burnt rat hair glued to its head. I just want to smash his stupid face in. How can I make that happen?

And what did you think of Chinese Democracy? Misunderstood masterpiece or classic rocker too far ahead of its time?

Axl “The Anvil” Rose

Dear Axl,

When I saw a recent picture of you, my first thought was “why did Roseanne Barr dye her hair blond?” The years haven’t been kind to you and pretty soon you’ll be kno-kno-knocking on Heaven’s door. Of course, I’ve been saying the same thing about Keith Richards for 40 years now, so you never know. At least you’re knocking on Heaven’s door and not the alternative. I’m amazed at how many of you rock stars have managed to avoid domestic violence charges and vehicular manslaughter incidents and me-too scandals to be eligible. Kudos for that. Anyway, this feud between you and Steven Munchausen is hilarious. I speak for the entire USA when I say we’d love to see it play out in the form of a naked mud-wrestling match streamed live on Facebook. Let me know if you’d be up for that because I just happen to know a promoter who could make it happen. Don’t worry; it’s not Vince McMahon. That guy’s a dick.

—Jesus Christ

Dear Axl Rose,

I’m not sure I like the name “Axl.” It seems like there should be a vowel between the “x” and “l,” but I guess that’s not your fault. Anyway, you’re totally right about Mnuchin. He is a piñata, only instead of being filled with delicious Tootsie Rolls, he’s filled with dry dog shit nuggets wrapped in toilet paper. In fact, one of his tortures down here in Hell will be hanging from a noose attached to a tree branch while Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi take turns whacking him with a stick until he explodes. Unfortunately, that won’t happen for at least five years, and I know you want satisfaction now. That’s why I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Every single night since the day he and his hot bitch of a wife got married, I’ve been creeping into their bedroom disguised as you and fucking her brains out while good ole’ Stevie sleeps right next to us in his separate twin bed. It turns out Louise Linton has quite an Axl Rose fetish. Now, I don’t normally do this, but if you’re interested, I’d be willing to tag you in for a while so she can get a taste of the real thing. Obviously the sex itself won’t be as good (you don’t have a 12-inch barbed cock like me) but the novelty of it will make it worth her while. And to be honest I get the sense that she’s starting to figure out that I’m not really you. I may have a 12-inch dick, but I’m no rock star. If you agree to do this, I won’t even ask for your soul. All I want in return is an autographed photo—not of you onstage but of you fucking Louise, with Steve lying there clueless in the background.

—The Devil.

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan

H. Seitz
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