Well it’s official: we are on the brink of the Apocalypse.
AOC, or as I like to call her, Glasses Girl, just won her primary, and I just lost mine, and she had to go rub my nose in it by calling me out on Twitter.
To be fair, I kind of accused her of being a shifty Mexican liar, but the only reason I even mentioned her name was to see if she’d pay attention to me. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but it’s like one of those teen movies where I’m the Superstud Jock and she’s the nerdy Glasses Girl. My plan was to win a bet with Mitch McConnell that I could take her to prom and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her when we went up onstage to get our crowns, but somewhere along the way, I fell for her for real, and now I don’t know what to do. Should I just keep on being a douchebag as usual, or should I follow my heart and risk losing all of my popular friends?
Representative Steve King
Dear Steve King,
You stay the hell away from AOC, ok? Just stay the hell away from her. I know you have a Made in Manhattan fantasy, but she’s not just some sexy Latina archetype for you to lust after, she’s a complex, brilliant human being. And I saw her first.
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m the Jon Cryer to your James Spader, only this time I’m going to win, dammit. I’ve been pushed around for too long, what with the beatings I took from Roman soldiers and the crown of thorns (how humiliating!) and the being nailed to the cross. It’s time to turn this John Hughes formula on its head. Sure, it worked out for Ducky at the end of Pretty in Pink. He ended up with some nameless blonde who was arguably (by the standard of white America) hotter than Molly Ringwald, but she was still just a consolation prize. A silver medal. This time I’m bringing home the gold, bitch!
Maybe you’re thinking I shouldn’t be directing my wrath at you. After all, my real competition for AOC’s hand is Andrew McCarthy, not James Spader. But in this scenario, Bernie Sanders is Andrew McCarthy and Bernie is old as fuck. Technically, I’m older by a good 2,000 years, but I still look 33 and have chiseled abs and excellent posture. Bernie shouldn’t hunch so much, and he should probably take some vitamin D supplements. According to my X-Ray vision, his skeleton is a mess. Anyway, my point is, he’s no real competition. Besides, in the 2020 version, the James Spader character would definitely be into Molly Ringwald. So just please, just back the fuck off. I don’t want to turn you into a pillar of salt, but I will if I have to.
Actually, fuck that—I totally want to turn you into a pillar of salt. Please, give me a reason.
The internet is littered with articles about your primary loss, but I’ve had to do some serious digging to find out anything about the guy who beat you. He’s so inconsequential that most stories don’t even bother mentioning his name. It’s Randy Feenstra. His Wikipedia page is three sentences long, and I suspect the picture they’re using is a stock photo. For all I know, he doesn’t even exist. Maybe a bunch of teenagers got together, created a fake profile of a generic insurance salesman and snuck him onto the ballot. Wikipedia says he’s the current Iowa State Senator for the 2nd district, but resumes can be faked. There can’t be more than 30 people in the entire district, so who’s going to say anything?
Anyway, my point is, you’re a fucking loser and you have no shot with AOC. I know I’m in the business of making deals with hopeless assholes so they can have the women of their dreams, but you’re such a racist piece of shit that it would be too much work for me. Besides, you already sold me your soul back in 2013 for your House seat (which you couldn’t even hold on to), so now you’ve got nothing left to offer. I am so looking forward to burning off your nipples with a car cigarette lighter and shoving cobras up your ass for all eternity. See you soon.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan