Tag Archive: Johnny Depp

Divine Advice For Matt Damon 38

Dear Divine Advice, Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que– Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que– Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it? Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do? At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. I let Ben…
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Divine Advice For Amber Heard

Dear DA, I’m so hot, most guys would pay me $50 to spit in their face and stomp on their nuts. As far as chopping off pieces of finger, or pooping on beds, who’s to say he wasn’t into it? Marriage is complicated. Sure I’m about the same size, over 20 years younger, and in much better shape than him, but he’s a man, so I’m the victim. Even though he was kind of a bitch. He’s even worse than my new girlfriend, who I’ve also had to slap around a little. She looks all meek and innocent, but the constant bitching and moaning when all I want to do is relax and watch my stories drives me crazy, and I’ve warned her 100 times. Men have said this about hitting women, and I’m going to say it about Johnny and men in general. Sometimes, they deserve to be hit.…
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Divine Advice For Nicolas Cage

Dear DA, I know I seem like a buffoon for spending all of my money on alpacas and Hyundai Elantras so the alpacas can have demolition derbys in the Elantras to entertain the many fine and strange prostitutes that inhabit each of my many mansions, but it’s like you said, it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than to dry hump a camel through the eye of the needle, dude. So I blow all my money and think of it as an investment in my angel’s wings. After all, you can’t take it with you (can you?) and I have my earthly needs. Ghost Rider should have been in that movie with Thanos. I was actually banking on it, as that would have been truer to the comics, but those Disney people screwed me. That mouse has got teeth. Everyone warned me, but I didn’t listen. So…
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Divine Advice For Terry Bradshaw

Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.    Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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Divine Advice For Barron Trump

Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
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Divine Advice For Jason Momoa

Original photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear Lilith, I’m a big, dumb, handsome slab of beef, and people love me for it. Everybody loves big dumb Jason Momoa. I was in Game of Thrones, and I humped the Mother of Dragons. High five! Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. That was sweet. Things are going great for Jason Momoa. I have great tattoos, I work out a lot, and my bowel movements have been like regular like forever. So anyway, there’s this girl I kind of like. Basically, every male on earth would like her. Dogs, monkeys, baboons, dolphins. I saw a dolphin on set go for it, and you know what I did? I high fived him. We have this little game going. Whenever she’s around me, she’s always “reading.” Like anything in some dumb book could be better than looking at Jason Momoa. So I play the game back and tear out the pages…
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Divine Advice For Brie Larson

Dear DA, No one seems to be able to decide whether I’m hot or not. I mean for a regular person, obviously I’m hot, but for a starlet, I’m kind of average and forgettable. I’m so replaceable I don’t even remind anyone of anyone, like some of the other clones do (like Amy Adams and the Australian version, or whatsherface in Get Out and Amanda Peet). Anyway, what I’m really worried about is Captain Marvel. I think Disney may have overestimated the strength and duration of the SJW trend. Some of them are running around in ski masks now terrorising people, and that kind of look and behavior is difficult to rationalize, even for people who are used to being hypocrites. Meanwhile, Aquaman is blowing up in China. And that girl, Amanda Heard? What the hell? That isn’t even fair, to have women who look like that running around. She’s…
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Superhunks for the 80’s: Tom Cruise

Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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