H. Seitz
October 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Bio Dome, Brett Kavanaugh, Charles Nelson Reilly, Christine Blasey Ford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, Donna Rice, HBO, Hitler, human centipede, Jesus Christ, Lindsey Graham, Milo Yiannopoulos, Porky Pig, Ronald McDonald, Rose McGowan, Satan, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, Supreme Court, Zac Efron
Dear DA, I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure. Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas. At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true. Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration…
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H. Seitz
October 15, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Janney, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Confederate flag, Cops, Dokken, Extract, God, Highway to Heaven, Jesus, Mike Judge, Reindeer Games, Satan, The Rock
Dear DA, Do you remember my sex scandal or whatever it was? Neither do I. The problem with these things is that they’re too many of them, it’s difficult to keep track and some of us get lost in the shuffle. But it’s better that 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man is punished. Or something like that, but I think they were talking about hanging people back then. Another problem, especially with guys like me, is that you kind of blame the victim. You can’t help it. I look douchey enough that you take one look at me and think yeah, she should’ve seen that one coming. It’s like when they show domestic disputes on Cops. You feel sorry for the woman until you see her boyfriend is some shirtless drunk hick with a mullet (they’re always shirtless). She saw that guy and decided he was boyfriend…
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H. Seitz
October 1, 2018
Divine Advice
Colin Kaepernick, Harvey Weinstein, Jared Fogle, Jesus, Roger Ailes, sandwich artist, Satan, Subway, Violet Beauregarde
Why not #metoo? Not so long ago, homosexuality was considered to be a psychological disorder, and in ancient Greece, pedophilia was not only accepted, it was practically a rite of passage. And look at what’s considered to be acceptable now as compared to just 20 years ago. So who’s to say that the wheel of time won’t keep turning and eventually remove the terrible stigma attached to my orientation? For the record, I have never touched a kid. I know that by watching kiddieporn, I have indirectly supported terrorism and drug cartels, just like vegans and heroin addicts indirectly support antivaxers and Muslim insurgencies. We all indirectly support reprehensible things just by participating in society. I’m not looking for acceptance or forgiveness or even understanding, but I am looking for a way to help other people like me so they won’t have to suffer like I have. I can’t help…
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H. Seitz
September 24, 2018
Divine Advice
Amy Adams, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ellie Kemper, Gandhi, God, Guardians of the Galaxy, Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Isla Fisher, James Gunn, Jenna Fischer, Jessica Chastain, Old Testament, Satan
Dear DA, My wife is Jenna Fischer, AKA America’s Sweetheart. You know, the smoking hot secretary from The Office? Not the redheaded one, the original one. She is obviously way out of my league. I look like the kind of guy, if you were my high school principal and I complained to you that someone punched me in the face, you’d look at me for a few seconds and just kind of nod your head and say “yeah, I can see that happening to you.” Anyway, I love my wife. She’s one of those chameleon ladies who can look like an entirely new lady if she puts her hair into pigtails or wears glasses or braces. It tricks your body into thinking you’re fucking a new lady, which is what your body wants because of science. Back in 2006 or so, I was telling her how grateful I was to…
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Ryan Klemek
September 10, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic Church, Data, God, Gungans, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Satan, Star Trek, Star Wars, The Devil, Wesley
Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
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Ryan Klemek
September 3, 2018
Divine Advice
Aquaman, Bible, Christians, Garden of Eden, Jesus, New Testament, Old Testament, Red Tide, Satan, The Devil
Dear Divine Advice, Once more I write to you. This time because of another stupid, blind follower of yours, Jesus. Seems this person has decided that a mistranslated story is worth believing more than actual facts, or learning for themselves. This person decided that the story of Jonah and the whale is a true story. As a witch who has studied these magnificent creatures of yours extensively, I can assure you Jonah was swallowed either by a Grouper (they can be as big as a ship’s engine room!) or a catfish, not a whale! Nor was it a shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh. They told me themselves. How can I teach these stupid humanoids that not every story is true? Why do they insist that stories that were more about learning morals than being truthful are true? Also Jesus, why do you keep sending your goons to me when…
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H. Seitz
August 27, 2018
Divine Advice
Aziz Ansari, capoeira, Donald Trump, Dustin Hoffman, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Keanu Reeves, Lazarus, Marvel, Meet The Fockers, Morgan Freeman, Old Testament, Robert De Niro, Satan, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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H. Seitz
August 20, 2018
Divine Advice
American Beauty, Billionaire Boys Club, Cary Elwes, Evangelicals, Hitler, Jared Fogle, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Satan, Subway
Dear DA, My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents. These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians? You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough,…
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H. Seitz
August 13, 2018
Divine Advice
Ben Stiller, Chewbacca, Danny Elfman, Dawson's Creek, Ed Norton, James Van Der Beek, Jenna Elfman, Jesus, Joshua Jackson, Katie Holmes, Keeping the Faith, Michelle Williams, Mission Impossible, Nicole Kidman, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Scientologist, Scientology, Tom Cruise, Tom Gun: Maverick, Zenu
Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
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H. Seitz
August 6, 2018
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jack Sparrow, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Kurt Cobain, Pirate of the Caribbean, Rube Goldberg, Satan, Sylvester Stallone, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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