My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents.
These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians?
You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough, no problem. But if I added that not all men are sexists, they’d crucify me. Again. They’d double crucify me. That’s a double-dog crucifixion. I’m not sure how the mechanics of that would work (Jesus, maybe you know?), but these vindictive fucks would find a way.
Anyway. If Hitler had joined the Peace Corps and made candied apples for little Vietnamese children instead of becoming the king of the Nazis, would that make his landscapes any better? Of course it wouldn’t. He’d still be a hack.
I am a fine actor. This is undeniable. And I am living a happy, healthy, anonymous life now, and you wanna know how?
I have put my acting skills to use in my day-to-day life. I am no longer “Kevin Spacey,” but “Jared Fogle,” spokesperson for Subway sandwiches. Something happened to the original “Jared Fogle,” so I intend to take his place. People are already starting to recognize me as “Jared Fogle.” They ask me if I’m really “Jared Fogle” and I tell them sure. I ate nothing but Subway sandwiches for three years and I lost 400 pounds because it gave me dysentery.
I’ll be back on top in no time because you can’t out-space the Spacemaster.
aka “Jared Fogle”
aka “the Spacemaster”
PS: I almost forgot to ask my question. What did this “Jared Fogle” do? I feel a real kinship with him when I portray him
Dear Kevin Spacey,
Hitler is mentioned so much these days that the name has lost all its power. But there’s another word that gets thrown around which pisses me off even more: crucify. You think what you’re experiencing comes close to having nails driven through your hands and feet and being hung up on some termite-infested logs while you gasp for air and bake in the hot desert sun until you die? Honestly, I was coming around to forgiving you for all the inappropriate peepee touching, but now that you’ve used the “C” word, it’s back to smiting. And believe me, it isn’t always easy for me to punish gay men. It can be quite the PR nightmare, thanks to that outdated assumption made by Evangelicals that “God hates fags.” I’ve spent the better part of the last 30 years trying to convince the world that I’m not actually homophobic. Fortunately, most of the world thinks of you as a pedophile first and a gay man second.
To your question: Jared Fogle is just a fatter, uglier version of you. You don’t get to boast about your acting chops for portraying him.
Dear Kevin Spacey,
My absolute favorite thing about the universe is that life isn’t fair. Billionaire Boys Club is a perfect example. The title suggests the movie is about pedophilia and since nobody’s going to see it, that assumption will stick. For me, this means I get to punish a lot of good people who haven’t done anything wrong just because of their affiliation with the film and with you. Any vampire will tell you innocent souls taste sweeter. And there are some juicy former A-listers in this that I can’t wait to get my hands on. I’m especially looking forward to telling Carey Elwes what a huge fan I am as I cram cobras into his rectum and clamp a bear trap down on his pecker. I feel like nobody uses the word pecker anymore. I’m going to make a conscious effort to bring it back.
Anyway, I can’t thank you enough for delivering me these tasty souls. You’ll be rewarded with extra cobras in the rectum when you arrive in Hell.
—Satan the Gleeful
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.