Tag Archive: Rocky
The Skull Island Times > Rocky
RK Galaga
June 28, 2021
Divine Advice
Blood Sport, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, F9: The Fast Saga, Gerard Depardieu, Gorbachev, Hulk Hogan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jesus, John Cena, Marky Mark, Matt Damon, McDonald's, Mr. Nanny, Rocky, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Suburban Commando, Sylvester Stallone, The Fast and the Furious, The Great Wall, The Rock, Uncle Sam, Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me
Dear God’s advice, First of all, please forgive my bad grammar, but this letter was translated from traditional Chinese using Google Translate. Anyway, solve my problem… When promoting my upcoming blockbuster F9: Fast Saga recently, I mistakenly referred to Taiwan as a country. I immediately realized that I had offended our Chinese overlord and publicly apologized in Mandarin and kissed their ass. Kneeling seemed to work. I was not knocked down by lightning, and my career was temporarily saved. The problem is that from that day on, I cannot speak or write in English. I don’t know if I was cursed by a certain Taiwanese wizard or by the ghost of Uncle Sam or Ronald Reagan. Anyway, I was humiliated in front of American friends, and the Chinese people did not respect me. One day, Chinese will become the only language in the world, but before that, I need to…
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H. Seitz
October 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Adam Driver, Al Pacino, Antman and the Wasp, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Cape Fear, Captain America, Citizen Kane, Daisy Ridley, Eugene Levy, Goodfellas, Iron Man, Joe Pesci, Keanu Reeves, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mad Magazine, Martin Scorsese, Marvel, Raging Bull, Robert De Niro, Rocky, Star Wars, The Age of Innocence, The Avengers, The Bicycle Thief, The Godfather, The Irishman, Thor: Ragnarok, Tigerbeat, Winona Ryder
Dear DA, Are you looking forward to Star Wars 9? That title sounds like a Mad Magazine parody. I’ve been tricked and let down so many times, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. And why did they have to get a guy with such a weird face? For Christ’s sake, keep the helmet on! There are a lot of cute boys out there who’d be more than happy to shake it for The Mouse. They should’ve done what I do and gone through back issues of TigerBeat. That’s how I found Leo and Bobby DeNiro. If you can’t pull off a TigerBeat cover, what good are you? You think these people are paying to watch you act? You get up there and you shake it, boy, and that goes double for the ladies. Speaking of which, what kind of parents name their kid Daisy? There was…
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H. Seitz
June 3, 2019
Divine Advice
Albert Einstein, Anton LaVey, Betty White, Bram Stoker, Cheerios, David Hasselhoff, J.K. Rowling, Jason Momoa, Jean Grey, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady Gaga, Magneto, Micro Machines, Passion story, Plastic Man, Reader's Digest, Rocky, Satan, Shakespeare, Storm, Sylvester Stallone, Terry Bradshaw, Thanos, The Satanic Bible, Thor
Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve. Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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H. Seitz
December 6, 2018
Lifestyles
Alfred E. Newman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Born on the Fourth of July, Bridget Nielsen, Burt Reynolds, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Far and Away, Frankenstein, Interview With a Vampire, Jackie Chan, Jerry MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Katie Holmes, Quaker Oats, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rochard Grieco, Rocky, Scientology, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Sylvester Stallone, The Outsiders, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Wilford Brimley
Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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