Tag Archive: Angelina Jolie
The Skull Island Times > Angelina Jolie
RK Galaga
June 7, 2021
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alexander Rodriguez, Andrew Cuomo, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Fauci, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Chelsea Handler, COVID, Donald Trump, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, J-Lo, Jack the Ripper, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Josef Mengele, qanon, Rand Paul, Satan, Steve Buscemi
Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
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H. Seitz
December 23, 2019
Divine Advice
Angelina Jolie, Bernie Mac, Bob Iger, Chewbacca, Eddie Murphy, George Lucas, Ghost Rider, J.J. Abrams, Jesus, Jesus Christ Superstar, Lando, Lucasfilm, Mel Gibson, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Nicolas Cage, Rey, Rian Johnson, Satan, Scrooge McDuck, Seth Green, Spielberg, Star Wars, The Devil's Advocate, The Mandalorian, The Passion of the Christ, The Rise of Skywalker, The Ten Commandments, Tomb Raider
Dear DA, A guy sells something for four billion dollars and it’s difficult to have much compassion for him even if he isn’t an asshole, let alone when he bemoans the reality of what he certainly must have seen coming. I sold Star Wars to a rabid, insatiable rodent, so what exactly did I expect? Did I honestly think that they’d follow my creative vision when they gave me four billion dollars specifically so they wouldn’t have to? Believe it or not, I did. That’s just the kind of narcissistic, egomaniac that I am. After all, if Star Wars is a religion (which it most certainly is), I’m the Holy Trinity. When they made The Passion of the Christ, did they shut you out of the creative process? Or just toss the entire bible out the window? Of course not. The Rise of Skywalker is credited to J.J. Abrams, but…
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H. Seitz
December 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Ad Astra, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allen Poe, Elon Musk, George Clooney, Jesus Christ, Nespresso, Ocean's Eleven, Satan, The Cask of Amontillado
Dear DA, I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall,…
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H. Seitz
August 26, 2019
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Andrew Yang, Angelina Jolie, Face/Off, Ghost Rider, Gone in 60 Seconds, Hyundai Elantra, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, Speed
Dear DA, I know I seem like a buffoon for spending all of my money on alpacas and Hyundai Elantras so the alpacas can have demolition derbys in the Elantras to entertain the many fine and strange prostitutes that inhabit each of my many mansions, but it’s like you said, it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than to dry hump a camel through the eye of the needle, dude. So I blow all my money and think of it as an investment in my angel’s wings. After all, you can’t take it with you (can you?) and I have my earthly needs. Ghost Rider should have been in that movie with Thanos. I was actually banking on it, as that would have been truer to the comics, but those Disney people screwed me. That mouse has got teeth. Everyone warned me, but I didn’t listen. So…
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H. Seitz
April 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Aaron Judge, Angelina Jolie, CC Sabathia, Derek Jeter, Fezzik, Giancarlo Stanton, Kazaam, Kirk Cameron, Pearl Jam, Princess Bride, Ray Comfort, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal
Dear DA, I’m Derek Jeter’s spiritual successor, and those are big shoes to fill. Thankfully, I’m literally a monster. I’m almost seven feet tall and weigh nearly 300 pounds, so I’m naturally calm and confident around “normals.” People say I remind them of Jeter with the way I carry myself, and they’re right. I’m a genuinely nice, decent, open guy. The problem is that I’m hungry all the time. I was signing a kid’s glove yesterday and for a split second, I had an overwhelming desire to pick him up and eat him. I talked to CC Sabathia about this, he’s a veteran and a champion and a lot of us younger guys look up to him. He’s also enormous just like me. I thought he’d be able to help me, but he has the exact same problem. He was signing some fan’s baby (some fans are weird) and told…
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