Dear DA,
I’m Derek Jeter’s spiritual successor, and those are big shoes to fill. Thankfully, I’m literally a monster. I’m almost seven feet tall and weigh nearly 300 pounds, so I’m naturally calm and confident around “normals.” People say I remind them of Jeter with the way I carry myself, and they’re right. I’m a genuinely nice, decent, open guy.
The problem is that I’m hungry all the time. I was signing a kid’s glove yesterday and for a split second, I had an overwhelming desire to pick him up and eat him. I talked to CC Sabathia about this, he’s a veteran and a champion and a lot of us younger guys look up to him. He’s also enormous just like me. I thought he’d be able to help me, but he has the exact same problem. He was signing some fan’s baby (some fans are weird) and told me it was all he could do to stop himself from wolfing that baby down. He got so desperate he ran out to the parking lot and ate some guy’s dog.
I asked Giancarlo Stanton, another enormous guy, and he looked at me like I was crazy and told me to get psychological help. Still, I’ve seen the way he looks at people, and I can tell he wants to eat them, too.
I’d ask Jeter for help if he was still around, he always knows exactly what to do, but he isn’t around, so I need you guys. This is already messing up the vibe in the locker room. It’s me and CC on one side and Stanton on the other, and the other guys are split down the middle. Mmmm. Middle.
Any advice would really help me out.
Sincerely,
Aaron “Here Comes The” Judge
Dear Aaron Judge,
Not only are you enormous, but also it looks like your bottom jaw can unhinge like a snake’s. I’ll bet you could swallow a large car or a small helicopter. The good news is, as long as you have a big goofy smile, people will think you’re a nice guy no matter what you do. In his prime, Shaq was eating two or three children a week. And not just poor, ugly kids that nobody would miss, either. I think he even downed a few of Angelina Jolie’s adopted orphans at some L.A. benefit.
Now, don’t think I’m condoning murder here, because I’m not. I’d much rather you just eat retired racehorses. Or better yet, maybe you could make yourself useful and go down to the Florida Everglades and start eating some of those stray pythons that were released into the wild and are now fucking up the ecosystem. I personally like these snakes more than the asshole alligators they’re competing with, but nature is nature and even I’m not supposed to deviate from the original plan. Dad gets really pissed when I do. He tanned my hide good after I made platypuses. And when I created crocoducks (to spite Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort), dad almost grounded me and made me miss a Pearl Jam concert. Luckily, he let me reverse time and fix things. Boy, I sure learned my lesson that day (or “days” if you count the do-over day as a separate one).
Anyway, just please try not to eat people ok?
—Jesus
Dear Lurch,
“Aaron” is such a baseball player’s name. I mean what other jobs could someone named “Aaron” possibly have? You can’t sell insurance as an Aaron. You can’t blow glass. The fact is, Aarons make damn good ball players. Still, I think I’d rather call you “Lurch”. It’s a good nickname. You’re too young to know who that is, but that’s what Google is for.
A few years from now, they’re going to remake Princess Bride, and I think you’d make an excellent Fezzik. But you’ll have to put on weight for the role—probably a good 60 or 70 lb. at least. The good news is it doesn’t all have to be muscle. So I say, the next time you’re signing an autograph and you find yourself tempted by the urge to swallow a child, just go with it. Trust me, all will be forgiven when that new Princess Bride comes out. Fans love it when their favorite movies are remade. While you’re at it, maybe you can ask around and see if anyone is interested in remaking Kazaam.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
- Divine Advice for Derek Jeter - September 23, 2022
- Divine Advice For Will Smith - March 30, 2022
- Divine Advice For Cap’n Crunch - March 13, 2022