H. Seitz
December 21, 2018
Horoscopes
Adam Sandler, Amy Adams and Isla Fisher, Baba Looey, Bill Gates, Blake Lively, Cheiron, Dory, Drake, Eeyore, Heinrich Himmler, Hermann Goering, Jesse Eisenberg, Joseph Goebbels, Kate Winslet, Khloe Kardashian, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, Mr. Limpet, Nemo, Pholos, Rocinante, The New England (Boston) Aquarium, The New York Aquarium, Vin Diesel and Paul Sinclair, Winnie the Pooh
Aries You’ll finally bed your crush this weekend, and they sleep like a baby, which is to say that they piss and shit themselves and cry demanding to be picked up and soothed every 45 minutes. What a stupid expression. Famous Aryans: Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler Taurus Your symbol is officially being changed from a bull to a jackass. You were always full of bullshit, hence the bull, but lately, your toothy laughter and obnoxious braying is more reminiscent of the rightfully demeaned jackass. Famous Jackasses: Eeyore, Rocinante, Baba Looey Gemini Your actions and behaviors seem designed to create long-term problems for others, but that isn’t true at all. You just aren’t smart enough to think that far ahead. It’s closer to the truth to say that you’re just kind of cursed. Famous Twins: Mary-Kate and Ashley, Vin Diesel and Paul Sinclair, Amy Adams and Isla Fisher Cancer…
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H. Seitz
December 17, 2018
Divine Advice
Amanda Heard, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Aquaman, Brie Larson, Captain Marvel, Disney, Get Out, Google, Hillary Clinton, Jenna Fisher, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Johnny Galecki, Justin Long, Margot Robbie, MCU, Pearl Jam, Satan, Sue Storm, The Invisible Girl, The Invisible Woman
Dear DA, No one seems to be able to decide whether I’m hot or not. I mean for a regular person, obviously I’m hot, but for a starlet, I’m kind of average and forgettable. I’m so replaceable I don’t even remind anyone of anyone, like some of the other clones do (like Amy Adams and the Australian version, or whatsherface in Get Out and Amanda Peet). Anyway, what I’m really worried about is Captain Marvel. I think Disney may have overestimated the strength and duration of the SJW trend. Some of them are running around in ski masks now terrorising people, and that kind of look and behavior is difficult to rationalize, even for people who are used to being hypocrites. Meanwhile, Aquaman is blowing up in China. And that girl, Amanda Heard? What the hell? That isn’t even fair, to have women who look like that running around. She’s…
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H. Seitz
December 10, 2018
Divine Advice
Ariana Grande, Elf, Ewan McGregor, Katy Perry, Keisha, Kevin Spacey, New Girl, Obi Wan Kenobi, Russell Brand, Thanos, The Phantom Menace, Zooey Deschanel
Dear DA, I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end. At least until now. No one cares about Katy Perry anymore. I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really. But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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H. Seitz
December 6, 2018
Lifestyles
Alfred E. Newman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Born on the Fourth of July, Bridget Nielsen, Burt Reynolds, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Far and Away, Frankenstein, Interview With a Vampire, Jackie Chan, Jerry MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Katie Holmes, Quaker Oats, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rochard Grieco, Rocky, Scientology, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Sylvester Stallone, The Outsiders, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Wilford Brimley
Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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Bridget McCrea
December 3, 2018
Divine Advice
Amy Adams, Burger King, Heath Bar, Kit Kat, Michael Jordan, Ryan Gosling, Whopper
Dear DA, I’m one of the whitest people on earth, and as a woke individual, I am totally aware of my white male privilege and try not to take advantage of it. But something strange happened recently that has me scratching my head. I went into a Burger King and the line was almost to the door. There must have been at least 15 people in front of me. After a quick scan, I determined that all of them were minorities. There were a few black guys, a couple Mexicans, and the rest of them were fat white women. So as is my privilege, I budged in front of all of them, and they started to complain! I explained to them about white male privilege, and that I only take advantage of it in emergency situations, like when I’m really hungry (I’m hypoglycemic, so it really was an emergency). I…
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H. Seitz
December 1, 2018
Lifestyles
H. Seitz
November 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Saoirse Ronan, Sofía Vergara, Steve Buscemi, Tiffany Trump, Tom Hiddleston
Dear DA, The world is a sad, angry, and depressing place. It’s always been this way, but social media has made us 1000 times more aware of it. Occurrences that we might have barely heard about in the 80s or missed entirely are now instantly everywhere all the time. It’s inescapable. You can get off Facebook and Twitter and throw your phone into a volcano, then join the Merchant Marines and go AWOL on the most remote frozen wasteland known to man, and the first Eskimo you run into will ask you what you think about Donald Trump deporting the WNBA, and then tell you you’re a racist for not referring to him as an Inuit. You have to get woke, man! It’s all about girl power and female empowerment and rebooting Friends with Torres Strait Islanders who are lesbians. Torres Strait Islanders are the indigenous people of Australia. Don’t…
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H. Seitz
November 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Williams, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Bugs Bunny, Clint Eastwood, Get Out, Isla Fisher, Jenna Fischer, Jesus, Jordan Peele, Kaley Cuoco, Kat Dennings, Lena Dunham, Satan
Dear DA, I’m one of those hot, relatively young, interchangeable actresses in the mold of Amy Adams, Jenna Fischer, and Isla Fisher, except I’m a slightly newer model in the Amanda Peet mold. You may have seen me in Get Out. I play the evil hot white girl. I also play an evil hot white girl in the show Girls, which co-stars Lena Dunham, another evil white girl. The truth about hot white girls, and even ones who are kind of ugly like Lena Dunham, is that we’re all kind of evil. All women are. Anyway, like Amanda Peet, I’m a lean, taut, blue-eyed brunette, and you can kind of tell that I’m evil just by looking at me, which is irresistible to most men. I was perfectly cast in Get Out. If you want to lure black men to their doom and Amanda Peet is out of town, you…
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H. Seitz
November 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Al Roker, Aquaman, Batman, Beyonce, Captain America, Don Lemon, Goulies, Hitler, Jesus, John Legend, John Lennon, Johnny Storm, Namor, Nazis, Satan, Stan Winston, Superman, Teddy Ruxpin, The Beatles, the Human Torch, The Invaders, The Submariner, WOnder Woman, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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