H. Seitz
March 24, 2019
Horoscopes
Alicia Silverstone, Blake Lively, Brittany Murphy, Elsa the Lion, Priyanka Chopra, Saoirse R, Sophie Turner, Taylor Swift, Zooey Deschanel
Aries One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum. Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan Taurus The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has…
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March 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Beto O'Rourke, Bill Clinton, Christian, Cleopatra, Democratic Party, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Liz Taylor, Oompa Loompa, Pocahontas, Satan, Taylor Swift, Trumpsters
Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
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H. Seitz
March 13, 2019
Fiction
Sam had lived a cliched life from the moment he was born. He had grown up in the thick of it, at a time when the majority of Americans had learned how to live from watching television. Everyone acted like television characters–his parents, teachers, and friends when he was a kid, and his wife, bosses, and coworkers when he was older. In elementary school, his classmates would repeat the popular jokes and catchphrases of the season (life moved slower back then). Some of the kids had loved Pee Wee Herman and imitated him constantly, while others had repeated lines from Predator, Robocop, and other movies or television shows. It was as if they were rehearsing for adulthood. Crucial moments called for a certain gravity. Someone had once said that all of life is a stage. Maybe Shakespeare. Maybe no one. Who knows? No one knew anything anymore, except about television…
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March 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Armageddon, Barron Trump, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Johnny Depp, Melania Trump, Satan
Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
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H. Seitz
March 5, 2019
Horoscopes
Aquarius, Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Fight Club, Gemini, Jeff Bezos, Jesus Christ, Leo, Libra, Logan's Run, Maria Singer, neanderthal, Pisces, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Virgo
Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead. We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.…
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March 4, 2019
Divine Advice
Dan Brown, Florida, Jesus Christ, Jupiter, Mary Magdalene, New England Patriots, New York Giants, Robert Kraft, Satan, Super Bowl, The Da Vinci Code, Tom Brady
Dear DA, What the fuck? Isn’t prostitution legal? I mean I know it isn’t technically “legal”, but it’s everywhere. Everyone knows it. What do you think those ads for personal escorts are for? Jesus Christ. And what the hell is with these young people today? I’ve never seen a bigger bunch of busy-bodied tattletales. They’re worse than the Catholic church. For the love of God what a bunch of fucking prudes. So no prostitutes allowed is what they’re saying? That I’m “exploiting” women? That hooker cost me five large, so who exactly is exploiting who? Don’t get me wrong, she was worth every penny. My wife, God bless her soul, is dead. And do you know how many women are interested in having an honest, meaningful relationship with a 77 year-old billionaire? I’ll tell you how many: zero. And I don’t blame them. They want a relationship with the billions…
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February 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Liam Neeson, SJW's, social justice warriors
Dear DA, I’ve lived a long and lucky life. It was a bit rough in the beginning, but I’m not complaining. Life is a struggle for all of us, and you never know what someone might be going through, so when I look back at those who’ve wronged me, I try to understand and learn from it. I’m an old man now and the world has changed a lot over the years, but the one thing that is absolutely clear is that upper middle class white women in their early 20s are completely justified in condemning me for sharing a growing experience I had 40 years ago. I didn’t have to share a story about how a confused, angry young man could change for the better, but I did, and I deserve to be punished. If you ever say, do, or even think anything racist or bigoted ever, you’re shit…
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February 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Academy Awards, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Kevin Hart, Robert De Niro, Satan, social justice warriors, The Oscars, Wanda Sykes
Dear DA, Am I hosting the Oscars? I thought that little black guy was supposed to do it. Ah, some old homophobic tweets turned up, so he’s out and I’m in. Wait a second. I just called him a little black guy. Is that racist? Like bad enough to get me replaced? I’m really kind of unprepared. I wasn’t even sure if they still did the Oscars. It seems like calling whatshisface a little black guy is okay. Kevin Hart. I just looked it up. Like most people, I’m totally reliant on my phone. If my phone told me that Aliens and Predators had invaded and to hide in the forest, I would probably hide in the forest. You can’t get cell reception out there, so I’d never know when it was safe to come out. I really don’t want to do this Oscars thing. You can tell I’m not…
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February 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Academy Awards, Eminem, Kevin Hart, Seth Rogen, The Interview, The Oscars
Dear Divine Advice, So, in case you haven’t heard, the world somehow found out that I used to be homophobic. I have no idea how everyone knows, but they do. And nobody seems to be giving me credit for becoming less homophobic once I got famous with a mainstream audience. Why can’t they accept my half-ass apology? Is it because I haven’t made it clear as to whether or not I’m actually homophobic? Problem is, if I’m honest about this stuff, I don’t think the world will let me go on being famous. And there’s still a lot more money I want to make. I thought about doing what Eminem did in that forgettable Seth Rogen movie The Interview. You know that scene where he’s being interviewed and he implies that, despite being famously homophobic throughout most of his career, he himself is gay? The thing is, I don’t think…
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H. Seitz
February 4, 2019
Horoscopes
Columbia Space Shuttle, Dido, Eliza Dushku, Emily Blunt, Emperor Frederick III, Lindbergh baby, Nickleback, Nicole SImpson, O.J. SImpson, Rihanna, Ron Goldman, Zooey Deschanel
Aries Most people are unaware that much of what they consider to be totally normal about themselves is actually not. Like you, for instance. Regularly forgetting how to spell words like “cat” and “dog” isn’t normal. And if you have the feeling that you may have suffered a concussion, or perhaps even several, you shouldn’t just shrug your shoulders and blow it off. There are medical techniques that could help you, and your lapses in judgment, black outs, and “memory holes” are putting others at risk. That you have a job and somehow manage to make it to work is a miracle. Take advantage of your health insurance. Famous Aries Event: The first space shuttle Columbia launched April 12, 1986 Taurus Whenever people think of you, they wonder why they ever put up with you in the first place. You’re one of those people who reads books about how…
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