Aries
Most people are unaware that much of what they consider to be totally normal about themselves is actually not. Like you, for instance. Regularly forgetting how to spell words like “cat” and “dog” isn’t normal. And if you have the feeling that you may have suffered a concussion, or perhaps even several, you shouldn’t just shrug your shoulders and blow it off. There are medical techniques that could help you, and your lapses in judgment, black outs, and “memory holes” are putting others at risk. That you have a job and somehow manage to make it to work is a miracle. Take advantage of your health insurance.
Famous Aries Event: The first space shuttle Columbia launched April 12, 1986
Taurus
Whenever people think of you, they wonder why they ever put up with you in the first place. You’re one of those people who reads books about how to act if you want to become famous, or the 10 secret personality traits that lead to success. So there you go, shaking hands, repeating back names after intros, making sure to hold eye contact, smiling like an idiot, laughing at stupid jokes. The worst part about this is that it works. So congratulations on your personal success, and enjoy living with the trade-off of ruining life and humanity in general.
Famous Taurus Event: Lindbergh baby found dead May 12, 1932
Gemini
You’re the kind of person who never wants to do anything, which is great. You might become the first person to quit heroin of out sheer laziness. It is truly remarkable how apathetic you’ve become over the years. Sure, you could get that great $7 wine from Trader Joe’s, but why walk the extra half a block when you can get Four Loco at the 711 right across the street? There’s leftover pizza in the fridge, but why bother when there’s this stale half-eaten pretzel right here on the coffee table? If the police made you wear an ankle bracelet, they would think you were dead.
Famous Gemini Event: O.J. Simpson stabs his wife and Ron Goldman June 12, 1994
Cancer
Congratulations! You’re in the first cult to rely solely on Skype. While you’re less lonely and enjoy sharing your ridiculous ideas about the world, each one of you thinks the others are secretly out to get him, and each one of you is correct. If you have any items on your basement wall that might identify your location, be sure to disguise them. For example, if you have a poster of Disney World, you might want to cover it with a poster of Six Flags.
Famous Cancer Event: Nickelback rocks the house at the Ziggo Dome in Amsterdam June 25, 2018
Leo
Before your life is over, you’re going to have more ex-wives and illegitimate children than you can count. You’re just the kind of guy women look at and decide to settle for while they still have the option. If you were any better looking or more successful, they’d think you were too good for them, and if you were any uglier or poorer, it’d be impossible to fake being attracted to you. You’ve found that mythical sweet spot, so keep milking it.
Famous Leo Event: Crusaders capture Syria’s harbor city of Tripoli July 12, 1109
Virgo
Remember that guy who was way too good for you, and you couldn’t figure out why he liked you? Well, he just realized that he’s too good for you, too, so good call.
Famous Virgo Event: Back to school shopping across North America
Libra
After however many weeks of trying, I give up. There’s nothing interesting about you. Things will happen that seem interesting to you, and you’ll tell people about them, and they’ll pretend to listen, but really, you’re the answer to the question “What if I had a clone, except they were much more boring than me in every imaginable way and completely oblivious of how boring they were?” That feeling you get when you’re kind of sick of yourself? That’s how you make other people feel all the time.
Famous Libra Event: 9/11 (You completely suck.)
Scorpio
That midlife crisis is coming any second now, and it’s going to be a doozy. All of that false optimism and pretending to look on the bright side when the reality is that you’re actually further away from accomplishing your dreams than ever (even your “modified to be more realistic, just make me happy” dreams) and in worse financial shape than you were in your 20s, which is really saying something. Your wife is pretending to be understanding about it, but you both know that you’re too broke to have a kid. What are you, crazy?
Famous Scorpio Event: Halloween
Sagittarius
You’re getting a divorce? No one even knew you were married. She was from a different time, back before that mess in the city that left all of us so scattered, helpless, and alone. You had thought, now that everything had settled, that you might reconnect, only to get the divorce papers in the mail yesterday. How did they even know where you live? Ah, a P.O. Box. That you haven’t checked in three years. And the letter is dated from a little under three years ago. Well, I’m still impressed you remembered to pay for the P.O. Box. Ah, automatic payments. Well I’m still impressed you had the money in your account to cover it. Ah, it’s your mom’s account. Okay then.
Famous Sagittarius Event: Jews are expelled from Schlettstadt Alsace by Emperor Frederick III December 12, 1479
Capricorn
In defiance of your fate, you’ve decided to just go with your body and never poo again. Why fight the impossible? Sure you always feel like pooing, but you never do, so why bother straining on the toilet? If it wants to come out, it’ll come out. If it doesn’t, screw it. It always feels like it wants to come out, but it’s always lying. It’s like the boy who cried wolf, and we all know what happened to him. He eventually woke up in his bed one morning, covered in poo.
Famous Sexy Capricorn Event: Zooey Deschanel, Eliza Dushku, and Dido have a threesome January 9, 2004
Aquarius
If anything, people should make your life even more unnecessarily annoying. You should tape record yourself sometime when you’re speaking on the phone, or better yet, have someone record video of you while you’re having a discussion with someone. Can you hear how annoying your voice is? And look at that body language. You somehow manage to be both snobbish and trashy. And yes, this is how you come across all the time. Now are you beginning to get it? Why everyone is so rude and uncooperative? No, you weren’t any different when you were younger, either, aside from being younger. This is why not even the perverts are friendly anymore. Remember that old lady in Gremlins who rode a motorized chair up and down her stairs? That’s who you remind everyone of, which is why the mailman is always trying to peek into your house. He wants to see if you have one of those motorized chairs.
Famous Aquarian Event: The last polar bear commits Hara-kiri February 9, 2019
Pisces
Sometimes it isn’t even your day, or month, or year, or life. Sadly, this is the case for you. Your life has reached the point that you’ve basically failed. Whatever hopes or aspirations you may have had, however pedestrian, are now definitively and forever out of reach. If you’re one of those cranks, Hindus, or Buddhists who believes in reincarnation, good for you. Perhaps that’ll make this pill a bit easier to swallow. Regardless, it’s over. The dream, the life goal, the whatever you want to call it, is never going to happen.
Famous Pisces Event: Emily Blunt pegs Rihanna March 2nd, 2016
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