Author Archive: RK Galaga
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: RK Galaga
RK Galaga
August 3, 2020
Divine Advice
Barron Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, Tiffany Trump
Dear DA, Lately, it seems like I can’t do anything right. I wear a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” to a child detention center, and everyone assumes I don’t care about the kids. Of course I care about kids, even Tiffany! The jacket was obviously a message to the press, because when you don’t care about something, you wear a jacket with a giant message to them spray-painted on the back. This just proves how incompetent the lamestream media has become, which is the one thing my idiot husband might actually be right about. And now this business about the Rose Garden. I know it seems out of touch, but put yourself in my shoes. I’m basically imprisoned with this giant baby, I spend all day cleaning between his rolls of fat and changing his diapers and pretending I can stand the sight of him, and…
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RK Galaga
July 27, 2020
Divine Advice
Hitler, Jesus, Lamborghini, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Mickey Mantle, Mike Trout, Satan, Trump
Dear DA, I’ve been blessed to be the second coming of Mickey Mantle, but cursed to be on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Awful team, awful name, and honestly, everything except the weather stinks. Most of the strip clubs close at 1:30 am. I mean seriously, thanks a lot for that extra half hour. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure Disney has something to do with it, they’ve always been a bunch of sadistic punks. Anyway, playing in empty ballparks is surreal. At first, it was difficult to get used to this weird new feeling I had, like inner peace. After the first few innings, it hit me, and while I’m ashamed to admit it, I’m happier playing baseball without the fans. To put it bluntly, I hate them, and maybe humanity in general. What kind of loser pays good money to watch grown men play a ridiculous game? And…
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RK Galaga
July 20, 2020
Divine Advice
Anthony Fauci, Baron Trump, Barron Trump, COVID-19, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka, Jesus Christ, Mr. Belvedere, Robert Goulet, Satan, Tiffany Trump, Timothy Harleth
Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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RK Galaga
July 13, 2020
Divine Advice
Big Mac, Bill Skarsgard, Burger King, Coke, Fry Guys, Grimace, It, Jesus, John Schnatter, McDLT, McDonald's, McRib, Officer Big Mac, Papa John's, Popeye, Ronald McDonald, Satan, Shamrock Shake, The Duke of Doubt, The Hamburglar, Tim Curry, Wimpy
Dear DA, This shutdown has been rough for me. I literally have billions of burger patties and McNuggets that have been piling up in warehouses for months. Fortunately, most of our food never goes bad, but still, it’s been a logistical nightmare. Most of our regular customers look and feel better than they have in years, and they’re beginning to put two and two together. They still miss our food, but they don’t miss the flop sweat on the toilet or the heart palpitations. At this point, our food is pretty much out of their systems. They’re still addicted to soda, but no one comes to McDonald’s for the soda. I’m still evil just like all clowns, but even I have my limits. How do I get these people back, and do I even want to? And assuming I do want to change, what should I do? There aren’t many…
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RK Galaga
July 6, 2020
Divine Advice
Abby Hornacek, Ainsley Earhardt, Ann Coulter, Britt McHenry, Carley Shimkus, Dana Perino, Donald Trump, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Gretchen Carlson, Heather Nauert, Jesus, Jillian Mele, Kat Timpf, Katie Pavlich, Kayleigh McEnany, Kellyanne Conway, Laura Ingraham, Laurie Dhue, Martha MacCallum, Megyn Kelly, Satan, Shannon Bream, Suzanne Scott, Tomi Lahren, Trish Regan
Dear DA, I know that we’ve had our differences, but you’ve got to admit that you were impressed when I said, with a straight face, that Trump “is the most informed person on planet Earth when it comes to the threats that we face.” Technically, Trump is one of the biggest threats we face, so you could argue that I was actually telling the truth since Trump knows himself better than anyone, but you’d be wrong. The only test of self-awareness Trump passed was the mirror test, and he yelled at the mirror that it was fake news. The way he is on TV isn’t an act, and all of the worst things you’ve heard about him are absolutely true. He tries to grope me every day, and he keeps calling me Ivanka and accusing me of being a fickle tease. I understand that the conspiracy theories of willfully ignorant…
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RK Galaga
June 22, 2020
Divine Advice
Colin Kaepernick, Die Hard, Hans Gruber, Jarome Iginla, John Tortorella, NASCAR, Tim Tebow
Dear DA, When it comes to protesting, we just can’t seem to get it right. So for taking a peaceful knee before a football game, I humbly apologize. When most Americans stand for the national anthem in front of 60,000 spectators before starting their shift, they don’t take a knee, no matter how much revenue they generate for the league or how little the league cares about issues directly impacting their communities. So if they can suck it up, I suppose I can, too. These poor people already had to hear about minorities being brutalized on the news, and there I go making them think about it again on gameday? Haven’t they already suffered enough? Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Tens of thousands of veterans died defending our right to blindly worship a piece of cloth, and I should respect them by respecting that piece of cloth…
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RK Galaga
June 15, 2020
Divine Advice
Anne Hathaway, Brown Bunny, Christian Bale, Christopher Nolan, Cillian Murphy, Hans Zimmer, Heath Ledger, J.J. Abrams, Katie Holmes, Liam Neeson, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Pornhub, The Dark Knight, Tom Hardy, Vincent Gallo
Dear DA, It seemed extravagant at the time, but I’m thanking my lucky stars I bought my Dolby home theater when I did. The difference is like watching Pornhub on your phone vs being in an actual whorehouse. You want to hear my famous “BWAANG!” sound the way I intended, it’s the only way to go. We’re all working really hard on Tenet, which may be the last major studio release ever. Of all the things affected by COVID-19, the cinema being shut down has probably hit me the hardest. I’ll be sitting around knackered and think to myself that a nice trip to the cinema would be just the thing, but then I remember the cinema is no longer an option. They’ll reopen for Tenet, for one last gasp as they say, and that’ll be that. Maybe Drive-Ins will make a comeback? My “BWAANG!” sound doesn’t quite come through…
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RK Galaga
June 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Charles Koch, David Koch, Hitler, Jesus, Mother Teresa, Satan
Dear DA, Why is it so difficult for most Americans to understand that all I and most of the “radical” right want is to go back in time to a mythical dreamland that never really existed? Where there were milkmen in blue onesies, wives always had supper waiting, and everyone was white. And when are black people going to understand that no matter how many of them “die,” that’s no good reason to damage property or disrupt revenue streams? I get it, I want to protest myself sometimes, especially when it comes to taxes. My net worth of $48 billion might sound like a lot, but really, it isn’t nearly enough. Regardless, when I want to pout, I put on my big-boy pants and do it alone in my garage as God intended. I would never dream of tainting an NFL football game with politics. I know that the media…
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RK Galaga
June 1, 2020
Divine Advice
Amy Klobuchar, Andrew Yang, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Beyonce, Bringing Down the House, Derek Chauvin, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gene Wilder, George Floyd, Jell-O, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, Pocahontas, Silver Streak, Skittles, Steve Martin, Tulsi Gabbard
Original photo by David Lienemann
Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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RK Galaga
May 25, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Ford, Donald Trump, Jesus, Mitch McConnell, Satan
Dear DA, For the record, no, Trump did not wear a mask. For him, I think you’d need a gentle leader or a muzzle. Or maybe a choke chain. Trump is worse than my Golden Retriever Zippy. Not only did he refuse to wear a mask, he kept licking the bumpers and chewing on the seats. He said robots made the cars anyway, and robots can’t get the virus, right? And if they can, you should hire better robots. If I seemed exasperated when I spoke with the press, it’s because I was. I asked him to put on his mask at least a half dozen times, to stop playing with the machines and pushing all the buttons. I was this close to hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, but he’s somehow the President, and I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’ve never met another human being like him.…
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