Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Louis C. K.

Dear Jesus and Satan, What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Let me try to wrap my head around this. I asked women if I could jerk off in front of them. If they said no, I didn’t. If they said yes, I did. So what the fuck did I do wrong? Sure, it’s a creepy question. I’m a creepy guy and I’m into creepy shit. So I ask people if they’re up to it. Does a woman’s word mean nothing? Seriously, do women have no agency or accountability? The argument is that I’m rich and privileged, so they felt forced. Would they have felt any better if I was a homeless guy? Seriously, what the fuck? I am not responsible for what other people feel. I don’t have a lot of control over that. What if I had asked her to watch my dog? That one woman says I…
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Jobber 1: Mrs. Tabasky

    Mrs. Tabatsky was an elementary school substitute teacher. The first time I had her was in 2nd grade. She always talked about herself in the third person and had a nasally, monotone voice.    “Mrs. Tabatsky says that you should read quietly so you don’t disturb the other students or Mrs. Tabatsky. You don’t want to make Mrs. Tabatsky upset.”    Maybe she did this to emphasize the “Mrs.”, that yes, indeed, she was married. She was a short, fat, pear shaped woman with a doughy face and thick glasses. I didn’t even like girls yet, but I couldn’t imagine anyone living with her. So this is what adults do. They pair up. Even with people like Mrs. Tabatsky. I wondered what her husband was like. I felt sorry for him, but he was probably awful, too.    Mrs. Tabatsky might have been tolerable if she wasn’t so whiny. She was…
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Divine Advice For T.D.

Dear Divine Advice, I have been carrying a huge burden for many years, and it’s time to finally come clean. Once when I was working on “Who’s the Boss”, I smoked a marijuana cigarette. I know, I know….it’s awful, and I am so upset about it. It was right before one of my typical coke-filled orgies with Judith Light and Katherine Helmond, you know “Angela” and “Mona”. Man, I have so many wonderful memories of those gang-bang sessions. Since we were all married at the time, it was even more exciting, and I liked to force the camera folks to record our sessions, just to save the moment. For some reason, Mrs. Rossini…yes, I forget her real name, stumbled upon our session that day, and I believe it was Judith that suggested we chop her up and throw her into the ocean. I’m not sure if it was the cocaine…
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The Smartest Man in the World

   It was all so simple and obvious. Everything fell right into place if you just thought about it for a little while. It was a cliche, but all you had to do was wake up.      He had to admit that it felt good. To be one of the few who knew the secret. Who saw the truth.    But despite all of his research, there were still those who questioned him. Why couldn’t they just be grateful? Couldn’t they see how foolish they were being?    Of course they couldn’t. They had been followers their entire lives. It wasn’t easy to break free. He had to be patient with them, but it was still frustrating. Talking to stupid people was impossible unless you were stupid too, and that wouldn’t help either. You’d be able to talk to them, but you’d be one of them. You’d have nothing to say.    If…
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Divine Advice For Dennis Rodman

Dear DA, I fucked Madonna. No matter what you think of her, no matter how freaky and creepy she looks nowadays, she’s a crazy little five foot nothing white girl and I’m an enormous black guy. To me, that says something great. I’ve never been the most stable guy, and now I’m the only American ambassador to North Korea. It’s heavy, dude. Or dudes. I’ve been under pressure before. I played on championship teams for Detroit and Chicago, but I had people like Isiah Thomas and Jordan and Pippen helping my ass. I knew my role. What I’ve got now is D. Trump. Despite the drugs, alcohol, being black, cross dressing, whatever you want to judge me for, believe me when I tell you, I’d rather have any one of those other guys as president. I’d rather have John Starks. Maybe it sounds like treachery and shit, but my boy…
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Divine Advice For Elon Musk

Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more. NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle. I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves. My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it…
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Divine Advice For KITT

Dear DA, I spent the better part of the 80s with David Hasselhoff sitting on me. He farts constantly, he’s a slob, and I’m afraid he has schizophrenic dementia. He could hear me talking to him but he pretended he couldn’t. Needless to say, this made filming extremely difficult. When people tried to explain to him that I really could talk, he pretended not to hear them, either. In his mind, he was insane to be hearing a car talk to him and doubly insane to be hearing people try to convince him a car could talk. Either that or the other people and the car were insane. You could see his warped logic paralyzing him. In the end, he would just fart and walk away. I’m worried about David because now, there are a lot of cars that can talk. Even refrigerators and thermostats have started talking to people.…
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Divine Advice For Tobey Maguire

Dear DA, I’m a big strong man, but I identify as an androgynous little boy with an enormous clitorous. I talked to my doctor about this and he asked me if I was kidding with him. I told him that big strong men like me rarely kid. He told me I should see a psychiatrist, which I found to be extremely offensive. But he explained to me that body dysmorphia comes in many forms. Did you know there’s an experiment to test the self image of people with eating disorders? They look at a picture of themselves on a computer and are asked to adjust the picture until it looks like they do. People with bulimia and anorexia always adjust the picture to look way fatter than they actually are. Still, I don’t see what this has got to do with me. I’m a big strong man, not some androgynous…
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Divine Advice For Roy Moore

Dear DA, I blame my wife for all of this. I sure as hell ain’t gonna blame myself. If she had only been 30 years younger and stayed that way forever, none of this would’ve ever happened. I’m not admitting to anything, just like I’m not conceding the election, but why would I go around chasing teenage girls if I already had one tucked away at home? We’ve always had our differences, my wife and me. Not only does she refuse to be 30 years younger and stay that way, she’s also into cock and I’m into vagina. I’m afraid that might be too much of a difference to overcome. This is why I prefer teenage lesbians. They like vagina, too, and the only one happy in this scenario is me. Anyways, what I need from you is to murder Charles Barkley. Not for my sake, but for the country’s.…
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Divine Advice For Luke Skywalker

Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
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