Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

A Message About the TPP from The Incredible Hulk

Since Roman Empire, Indian Ocean key to trade between Europe, Asia and Middle East. Suez canal and Red Sea vital strategic entry points. This why Yemen, Gulf of Aden, key to international trade. Even ancient Hulks know, control vital trade route key to control or at least stabilize world. By abandoning TPP, current administration compromising influence and stability in region. China likely to fill vacuum. Strategic and financial loyalty move from US to China. In already unstable, fractured world, now not time to cut all ties. Hulk no foreign policy wonk, but flawed as TPP, world still better when nation have vested interest in other nation, when nation talk and work and compromise. Hulk say improve flaw of TPP, not abandon. Maybe Hulk solution not perfect, Hulk mind scattered, sometimes like two minds. Hulk wake up, Hulk not know how or why Hulk get here. But message still clear. In…
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Competitive (Ch)eating

Growing up, my father always wanted me to be an athlete. “Quit being a pussy musician and learn combat skills,” he used to say. The recorder was my instrument of choice, and if he caught me playing it, I got “the belt”. It’s not like I didn’t try to be good at sports. I was just a doughy kid who didn’t have the heart of a champion. That is, until the day I discovered the glorious, gluttonous spectacle they call competitive eating. Finally, a sport where fatties finish first! Well, that is what I assumed anyway. In small, local tournaments, I held my own. The sheer size of my stomach was enough to beat the lightweights in Latham, NY.   However, once I made it to the national level, I discovered that genetics of a different sort gave skinny kids the edge. The day I met Takeru Kobayashi was a humbling,…
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A Message about Social Media from The Incredible Hulk

When Hulk begin on Book of Faces, Hulk happy to reconnect with old monster friends, many not see since high school. But Hulk notice more time on Book of Faces, sadder Hulk get. Many old friends change bad. Solomon Grundy half monster before, but now complete zombie monster, speak worse than Hulk, can only scream “Grundy!”. He vote for Donald Trump, always post pro-Trump, make Hulk very sad. Bizarro same. Bizarro also vote Trump and now flat earther. Bizarro literally fly around earth, but insist earth flat. Hulk understand old friend still old friend even if crazy now, but Hulk realize Book of Faces no substitute real life connection. Monsters grow, change, keep old monster friends, but also need new. Sometimes, Hulk sit alone with voice in head. Voice tell Hulk okay to take walk, read book, spend Hulk time with Hulk. Hulk ramble, but message still clear. Social media…
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A Message to Nazi Sympathizers from The Incredible Hulk

As person monster, Hulk find racism appalling. As monster of color, Hulk personally disgusted. Judge Hulk for Hulk, and judge self for self. Hulk heart full of regret. World cruel, life hard. But Hulk take responsibility for Hulk. Nazi Sympathizers lowest, most cowardly form of life. No personal responsibility. No honest with selves. Easier to blame most vulnerable, so do, and fix nothing. Superman once tell Hulk that even Hulk can be force for good. Hulk still believe individual choice to be good. To try be brave and honest with self. Hulk still believe in beauty of world. Hate not solution. Hulk quote favorite poet. Say better than Hulk. The trees bend down along the stream, Where anchored swings my tiny boat. The day is one to drowse and dream And list the thrush’s throttling note. When music from his bosom bleeds Among the river’s rustling reeds. No ripple stirs…
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Divine Advice for Kim Jong-un

Dear Divine Advice, I woke up this morning covered in my own jizz after having an erotic dream about Hillary Clinton. In the dream, she was pegging me with a strap-on while the ghosts of my dad and that uncle I murdered were watching and throwing popcorn at us. What do you guys think this means? I know Hillary isn’t even the ruler of America, so she’s unworthy of my affections, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Sincerely, Kim Jong-un Dear Kim Jong-un, I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I think you might be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Ask her husband Bill—Hillary bats for the other team. The good news is her daughter Chelsea is straight. Sure, Chelsea’s face looks like it’s made of plastic fruit, but otherwise, she’s the spitting image of her mother. The best part is, she owns a…
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A Message to Climate Deniers from The Incredible Hulk

A Message to Climate Change Deniers from The Incredible Hulk Scientific evidence convince Hulk man made climate change real. Hulk no expert, but Hulk separate raging emotion from reason long enough to be objective. Consensus among scientists nearly unanimous. Researchers and methodology sound. Good track record of responsible scientific inquiry. And Hulk once ate scientist, can feel him inside now, helping Hulk think. Banner. Name Banner. Climate change issue too complex to change mind of denier. Even argument about pollution too complex. Denier will argue manufacturing solar panels, wind turbines, also pollutes, and this true, but mostly one time pollution, and in long run, much less than always fire of gasoline and coal. But too complex, so Hulk go to most simple reality. Gasoline running out. Soon all gasoline all consumed by fire. So alternative necessary if want to preserve semblance of modern life. Forgive awkward prose, mind of Hulk…
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Divine Advice For Ben Affleck

I am very upset and frustrated! For some reason, there have been a lot of rumors circulating around Hollywood that I am gay. I just don’t get it! I’m as Hetero as they come! First, let me say how much I respect ALL people, but especially those who are in the LGBTQ community. In fact, I have a ton of Gay friends, like my dear friend, John Travolta. John and I spend a lot of time together, and while he is definitely gay, I can assure you that I am not. Seriously, though, why are there so many gay rumors about me? Am I being gay when John Travolta and I engage in anal sex? Of course not! That’s just a couple of buddies “horsin around”. Was I being gay the time that I gave John Travolta a blow job and took his balls to my chin so many times…
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A Message to Anti-Vaxxers from The Incredible Hulk

Hulk share story now. Listen to Hulk. Very sad story. Papa Hulk, he fight from wheelchair. Very awkward. No polio vaccine in days of Papa Hulk. He drown in swimming pool. Polio bad. But before die, Papa Hulk made sure Baby Hulk, me, get vaccine. Before, polio, diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, rampant. Now, no. Hulk apologize for typos and grammar. Hands too big for keyboard and mind consumed by rage. But message still clear. Disease bad, vaccine good.

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Divine Advice For Fingers Crossed

Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m…
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Divine Advice For Tom Cruise

Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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