Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Hercules

Dear Jesus and Satan, I decided I want to convert to Scientology. The problem is, I don’t know how I’m going to tell my father. I mean, he’s like the head honcho where I’m from, so this is really going to break his heart. But I recently watched Top Gun, and man, Tom Cruise is so cool in it. And then just the other day he announced that they’re making a sequel! That can’t be a coincidence, right? It HAS to be a sign. Anyway, I feel like my Thetans are out of wack and they need to be fixed or whatever. I really don’t know anything about Scientology, to be honest. I know there are aliens, which is pretty cool. And volcanoes. Also, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to fuck Kirstie Alley. She’s really sexy, and I’m guessing she’s pretty desperate these days. So yeah, what should I…
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Divine Advice for Deeply Troubled

Who’s hotter? Mona from Who’s the Boss? Or Blanche from The Golden Girls? Why did Hollywood do away with the slutty older woman as a comedic device? Fondly, Deeply Troubled Dear DT, Mona’s hotter, hands down. But I’m going to argue semantics with your premise here a little bit. I would say that, within the context of The Golden Girls, Blanche would not be considered “older.” She was by far the youngest of the main stars of that show, and I think that is why the writers chose to make her the slutty one. Plus, as a Southern Belle with the name “Blanche,” she was clearly supposed to be a reference to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Now, in the play, Blanche is the slutty older sister, a has-been passed her prime, but hardly what you would call “old.” I would also argue that Blanche wasn’t even meant…
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Divine Advice For Kristen Stewart

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve done something horrible and I don’t know what to do about it. While working on the forgettable movie Snow White and the Huntsman, I cheated on my boyfriend Robert Pattinson with married director Rupert Sanders. We got drunk and I let him fuck my brains out. It was fun at the time, but afterwards I felt really guilty. I made a public apology to Robert, and he’s agreed to give me one more chance, but I can tell I’ll never fully regain his trust. Also, now I sort of want to fuck Thor, my co-star in Snow White and the Huntsman. I probably shouldn’t, though, right? I mean Thor’s married, too. What do you guys think? Sincerely, Kristen Stewart Dear Bella, Unless you’re a U.S. Congressman, adultery is one of those things I come down pretty hard on. Now I know you and Robert weren’t married,…
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Divine Advice for a Cannibal

Dear Jesus and Satan, Yesterday I ate a guy. I wasn’t even, like, in a plane crash in the mountains or anything. I just saw a guy who looked tasty and then I ate him. Should I not have done that? Both the regular Bible and the Satanic Bible are unclear on the subject. Sincerely, A Cannibal Dear Cannibal, Short answer: You shouldn’t have eaten the guy. Please don’t eat any more people. The only “human flesh” you should ever eat is mine, when you make Communion on Sundays. I know, I know—it’s not the same. Little stale crackers aren’t very satisfying when you crave flesh, but that’s the way it is. You know, I asked Luke to put a bit in his gospel about how you shouldn’t eat people, but somehow it didn’t make it in there. It’s probably too late to edit it now, seeing as how everyone’s already…
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Divine Advice For Hulk Hogan

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve always been true to my Hulkamaniacs, sticking to the Four Demandments: train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and always believe in yourself. All of my success—both inside and outside the squared circle—depended on me following these rules. But something has just happened that is causing me to question everything. Yesterday, I saw The Fate of the Furious at the local multiplex. It was an IMAX 3-D version on the biggest screen in LA, and it was awesome. Definitely the best movie I’ve seen since Babe II: Pig in the City. Anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he was pounding my asshole with his huge cock, all the while yelling “Smell what The Rock is cookin! Smell what The Rock is cookin!” When I woke up this morning I was covered in my own jizz.…
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Super Truther

Melvin scrolled through his Facebook feed and shook his head. How could people be so blind? He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but it was difficult to discuss these things person to person. Out in the real world who knows what might happen? And it just didn’t seem polite.   He took a deep breath and started to type. He didn’t know it, but the feeling of being heard, of standing up for your beliefs, felt like getting high. The anticipation of attention made him high. He tingled as he typed. 9/11 was an inside job, the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled demolition, it’s obvious to anyone who sees the footage but none of you wants to see! The globalists have you all hypnotized, you believe whatever the mass media feeds you. Wake up!  How could people not see the plain truth right in front of their…
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Divine Advice for Scott Pruitt

photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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Divine Advice For Very Confused

This week’s Divine Advice was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine Advice, Amy Poehler is not Sexy. What can I do? Fondly, Very Confused Dear Very Confused, I’m not sure why you capitalized the “S” in sexy, but I get what you’re saying. The reason I decided to make her unsexy is I was just sick of everyone thinking that blond chicks had to be sexy all the time. For once, I wanted to make a blond that was appreciated for her mind and sense of humor instead of her looks. Ha, I’m kidding, of course. She’s not smart or funny either. To be honest, I let the “baby Jesus” version of myself make her, and that was just the best he could do. Hey, cut the lil’ guy some slack—he’s still learnin’. Anyway, you asked what you can do. Not much really, except…well, this is going to…
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Divine Advice For Scardey Cat

Dear DA, I was googling porn at work, nothing too crazy, just things like “white shit”, “donkey dildo”, and ” mega anal.” After a couple hours, I got an email telling me that I was a pervert, and it was signed “Sincerely, Google.” Does this mean that Google is God now? And if so, is the mighty Google good or evil? I tried to google these questions but I didn’t get a definitive answer. I’m afraid to use Google now, what should I do? Also, there’s this new movie I’ve heard about called Beauty and the Beast. I’m assuming it’s rated X and that I’ll love it, but like I said, I’m afraid to use Google. So what do you think? Is it worth $15? Sincerely, —Scaredy Cat Pervert Dear Scaredy Cat Pervert, If Superman was still around, I’d command him to throw you into the sun. And it is…
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Divine Advice for Comic Book Sexy Dude 69

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve been reading your column since the early 90’s. If I remember correctly, didn’t it used to be advice from Superman and Lex Luthor? Whatever happened to those guys? Sincerely, —Comicbooksexydude69 Dear Comicbooksexydude69, Superman and Lex Luthor did fill in for us for a few months back in the early 90’s, I was in serious need of some personal time. Being The All Powerful All Knowing King of Heaven and Earth can be stressful. In any case, I had to let Superman and Lex Luthor go, primarily because of Superman. If you haven’t already noticed, Superman doesn’t exactly have the largest skill set when it comes to solving problems. He either punches his problems really hard, burns his problems with his heat vision, or throws his problems into outer space, and Lex Luthor always agreed with him. There was never any conflict, and that makes for dull…
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