Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Rachel Maddow

Dear DA, I’m basically a more masculine version of Where’s Waldo come to life. But while I don’t stand out in a crowd, I can be difficult to ignore. Especially for birds. Wherever I go, the birds are terrified. They start flapping and clucking or chirping or whatever. Then they fly away. Eventually, everyone flies away. I’ve done a lot of impossible things in my life. My family is very Catholic, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar. And when I was in high school, I could slam dunk a tennis ball. But now, as a 45-year-old lesbian, I feel like my life is missing something. (And it isn’t cock. Don’t you dare say it’s cock.) I’ve got a great career, a great partner, and I’m pretty much right about almost everything. So why do I feel so empty and tortured inside? Am I having a midlife crisis? Hasta la vista, baby,…
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Divine Advice For The Fonz

Dear DA, In light of the recent political climate, I am very concerned about my iconic portrayal of the Fonz. Having sex with all those teenage girls in the garage of some kid I bullied, heyyy!. This is America. Nothing wrong with that. But my treatment of jukeboxes troubles me. Is this AI thing for real? And will the robots realize that I’m just an actor, that I had no choice but to hit those machines? If I had known then what I know now, I would have snapped my fingers at the jukeboxes and hit the teenage girls instead. Like a normal adult pretending to be a teenager in the 50s. Heyyy! I’m concerned because the AI might learn from the Fonz that this is the best way to solve your problems. Something not obeying you or doing what you want it to? Thwack! And here comes that sweet…
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Divine Advice For Emma Stone

Dear DA, Thank you for making Lindsay Lohan go crazy and allowing me to fill the void. Honestly, I can’t quite fill some of her voids, but close enough. If you’ve been following my career, you’ve probably noticed that I’m kind of unbearable, but I can get away with it because I’m also so boring. For a woman with red hair, I really am unbelievably blank. Which is why I can play Asian women and lesbian tennis players and some lady who was a friend to the blacks. Even my boyfriend is boring. I can’t even remember his name. It’s like the cat, that famous cartoon cat. The one that likes lasagna. You know that riddle, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well my question, if I play an Asian lady, but no one sees the…
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Happy Man

I’d always had a theory that if someone wasn’t making you uncomfortable, you were making them uncomfortable. There is no such thing as a mutual relative peace. Peace, or at least a lack of being uncomfortable, is unusual enough to make other people uncomfortable. Charlie and I were taking a break when I told him my theory. Charlie was an ex-boxer from Nigeria. A heavyweight. And he was one of the happiest people I’d ever met in my life. Even now, with both of us dragging 300 pound hand trucks around midtown for minimum wage, he was happy. “I think your theory is true.” I had never seen Charlie uncomfortable. Our boss had been yelling at him back at the truck, telling him that he talked too much, and Charlie had laughed at him and said “Yes! I talk too much! Me! Hahahahahah! I talk too much!” while stomping around…
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Divine Advice For Rob Lowe

Dear DA, As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world. I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever. Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to…
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Food Review: Tide Pods

What the Fuck is wrong with the Youth of America? I mean seriously…these little fucktards and their God Damned Tide Pods. I mean what the fuck???? They’re eating Detergent. Jesus Fuck!!! Yes, JESUS FUCK.   I swear to fucking God if one of my little fucktard kids eats a Fucking Tide Pod, I will fucking Shit myself!!! In my day it was “Whip Its”, and we turned out just fine. Fuck my face!! Oh, how I miss those days! We weren’t hurting anyone, just getting high off of some fucking Whipped Cream! These Little Fuckwits are just too fucking stupid. WHO EATS FUCKING DETERGENT!!!!!!!!   I tell you what, let’s see what the rage is all about, ok? I’ll give you one thing, they look very tasty, and that fucking weird exterior feels pretty amazing in my hands. Should I lick it? Hmm, you know what? It’s not bad. That…
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Noel

You have to be suspicious of the old and the dimwitted. Especially if they’re your coworkers. And you have to be careful. The first job I had, after paperboy, I worked with this dimwitted deaf mute. He wasn’t completely deaf or mute, but enough to get out of doing the worst parts of the job. “Noel, could you bring up a bucket of tomato sauce. Noel! Christ, will one of you assholes just get the damn sauce?” And someone else would do it. But whenever break time came or it was time to cut someone out, Noel’s hearing and ability to communicate dramatically improved. One night one of us, maybe me, tested him. “Noel, could you bring up a bucket of clams? Noel! You dumb worthless mutherfucker.” “Wha? Wha you say? Fucka you too man! Fuck you!” But it didn’t change anything. Maybe he was too stupid to realize the…
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Divine Advice For Average Joe (Matt Damon in Disguise)

Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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Divine Advice For Steven Spielberg

Dear Yahweh and Mastema, This is already awkward enough for a Jew, coming to you two for help, but I didn’t know where else to turn. I’m getting on in years. Frankly, I don’t even remember how old I am. But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve lived a long, happy, blessed life. Or so I thought. Supposedly I made a robot, a cross-dressing robot, and made it touch little kids? And I filmed it? And this robot, at least in the film, had the power to make children sexually assault each other? What the hell? I look into my heart and it tells me no way, but my damn memory! And the heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe I don’t want to remember. They also said something about zombie frogs and cruelty to animals? Please tell me I didn’t do this. But if I did do it, tell me,…
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Divine Advice For Gisele

Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know what to do. My husband is probably going to get fired from his celebrity sports job and that will mean less spotlight for me. Do you know how many people watch the Super Bowl and Patriot games in general? Well of course you do – it’s a lot! I can’t imagine not being able to showboat on such a large platform. As you know, I gain my powers off feeling smug and superior this will put a major damper on everything I stand for. What else is there for me? I don’t breastfeed my kids anymore so I can’t tell be sanctimonious about that. Brigid Moynahan remarried and is actually happy so I can’t make fun of her and convince her son I’m better than her any longer. Chinbutt Tom won’t be working out as much anymore so I can’t put out ridiculous Paleo…
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