Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Joe Biden 3

Dear DA, Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President? The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me. The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare,…
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Divine Advice For Tina Fey

Dear DA, This pandemic has been rough on everyone, and I know that I’ve had it relatively easy with my mansions and wealth and indoor Rascal scooters. This is actually a part of the problem. I’ve gained a little weight over the winter, which is normal, especially during a year like this, but by a little I mean 150 lbs. I knew I was eating more than usual, and mainly comfort food like ice cream and pork rinds. Honestly, I’ve been topping the ice cream with pork rinds that I refry in butter. I know it sounds disgusting, and it is, but it’s the kind of thing you hate yourself for eating, which makes you want to eat it even more. There’s also my cheese problem. I can’t stop eating cheese. I keep a chunk on my nightstand. Gnawing on it is the last thing I do before sleeping and…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 3

Hi Guys, Do you remember me? The “smart” one? This is purely a hypothetical question, but what exactly is the difference between sedition and treason, and is it true that America still hangs people? Jesus Christ this country is absolutely nuts. Let’s say a certain President’s daughter (probably Tiffany) helped to expedite shady dealings on behalf of her mentally ill husband—I mean father. Would that daughter be better off throwing Tiffany and her father under the bus? And why does everyone like Rachel Maddow more than me? I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball, too. I bet I could still do it now, but for a woman like me who actually has breasts, it just wouldn’t be ladylike. Sincerely, Ivanka Trump President 2024 Dear Ivanka, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call you the “smart” one, but you do seem to be better…
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Divine Advice For Baby New Year 2021

Original graphic by Dixie Allan

Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Cuomo 2

Dear DA, I don’t want to be President anymore. I don’t even want to be Governor anymore. As the Governor of NY, I’m one of the only Governors anyone has ever heard of. Many people in the smaller states don’t even know who their Governor is. I actually had people calling me from Nashville, demanding that I find whoever blew up that RV and hang him. (All gender and racial equality aside, it was definitely a white guy. It always is.) One of them said that as Chancellor, it was my duty to personally hunt this maniac down and bring him to justice. I can’t help feeling that most Americans have a fundamentally flawed concept of how our government is supposed to work. Trump is, to put it diplomatically, unreliable, and while Joe will be better, the guy is 100 years old. You ever live in NY? The city? I…
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Divine Advice For Mr. T

Dear DA, What the hell is wrong with my Pornhub? Almost everything I bookmarked is gone, and people are saying this shit is permanent? Now I’m back on xvideo and YouTube, but it just ain’t the same. Who’s responsible for this? Because I’m going to find the sucker and punch him so hard he wakes up a fetus back inside his mama’s womb, afraid to come out for another whoppin’. I can be a reasonable man, despite all the bullshit I’ve had to live through. You ever have Nancy Reagan sit on your lap? It feels like two ostriches are stabbing into your thighs with their beaks. Give me back my damn Pornhub! Sincerely, Mr. T Dear Mr. T, Your problem is a little hard for me to relate to since, as God, the whole world is my “Pornhub.” My Holy x-ray vision can see into every bedroom, parked car,…
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Divine Advice For AOC 3

Dear DA, Recently, the “Squad” and I got criticized for arguing with Obama over defunding the police. They said we, and especially me, were ranting and raving at him like a bunch of deranged harpies. All I said was that people in poor neighborhoods had been complaining about this for years, and no one listened until the word “defund” came into play. I like Obama, and he didn’t have a problem with the discussion or criticism. He used to ask for it. But the Trump supporters did. Anyway, he grew up in Hawai’i, or according to them, Kenya, and I lived in the Bronx. A relatively nice part of the Bronx, but still the Bronx. It’s the part of NYC most people only visit to watch the Yankees, and they generally stay within one block of the stadium. Because the cops care about the Yankees. As far as the rest…
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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 2

Dear DA, Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses. Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious. Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math. I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator. Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes. For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide,…
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Divine Advice For Amber Heard

Dear DA, I’m so hot, most guys would pay me $50 to spit in their face and stomp on their nuts. As far as chopping off pieces of finger, or pooping on beds, who’s to say he wasn’t into it? Marriage is complicated. Sure I’m about the same size, over 20 years younger, and in much better shape than him, but he’s a man, so I’m the victim. Even though he was kind of a bitch. He’s even worse than my new girlfriend, who I’ve also had to slap around a little. She looks all meek and innocent, but the constant bitching and moaning when all I want to do is relax and watch my stories drives me crazy, and I’ve warned her 100 times. Men have said this about hitting women, and I’m going to say it about Johnny and men in general. Sometimes, they deserve to be hit.…
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Divine Advice For Gina Carano

Dear DA, I don’t answer to man’s laws, only to God’s, but I am still subject to the punishment of man, or being “canceled.” If you thought my Tweets were crazy, about masks being a trick or a form of suppression, you’re right. It’s dangerous, irresponsible, and pushes the boundaries of the First Amendment. That crazy bitch should be punished, so my question for you is whether it’s possible to sue myself? I mean, this is kind of like screaming “fire!” in a movie theater when there isn’t a fire, right? You remember movie theaters? Those big, dark places where people used to go to watch giant robots blow each other up and boobies? I’m really torn on this one. On the one hand, I have the right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and to stand up against the government, scientists, doctors, epidemiologists all while making a…
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