Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Tom Cruise

Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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Divine Advice For Julia Roberts

Dear Divine Advice, Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever you want to call it (a turd by any other name is still a turd) is obviously a hoax perpetuated by greedy scientists and China to emasculate coal workers and slander oil companies, companies run and staffed by The Great Americans who make modern life possible. You can’t fertilize oats and barley without gasoline, and no oats and barley would mean no beer and no steak. What are you going to feed a cow, solar panels? And what am I supposed to drink, fucking soy milk? This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t even have to ask, but I need you guys to set the record straight for all those anti-American, anti-cow peaceniks out there. Sincerely, Julia Roberts PS: I also hate Mexicans. Dear Julia Roberts, It sounds to me like you’re still bitter about Kiefer Sutherland cheating on you with that…
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Divine Advice For Sam Malone

Dear Divine Advice, I was secretly fucking Rebecca Howe all along while they were filming Cheers. I feel guilty because the audience always was rooting for me to fuck her, but I really was the whole time. Hmm, now I’m even more confused. I enjoyed fucking her, so I don’t feel guilty about that, I suppose I feel guilty about not telling the audience. Yes, I feel guilty about that…and I have a feeling that I caused Kirstie Alley to become a Scientologist. More Confused Than Ever, Sam Malone Dear Ted Danson, Your guilt is justified. Not only are you the reason Kirstie Allie became a Scientologist, but you are also the reason she became fat, and the reason Veronica’s Closet was such a shitty show. At this point, there’s only one way you can make this right, and that is to lay your cock out on an anvil and…
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More Divine Advice For Matt Damon

Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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Divine Advice For Hercules

Dear Jesus and Satan, I decided I want to convert to Scientology. The problem is, I don’t know how I’m going to tell my father. I mean, he’s like the head honcho where I’m from, so this is really going to break his heart. But I recently watched Top Gun, and man, Tom Cruise is so cool in it. And then just the other day he announced that they’re making a sequel! That can’t be a coincidence, right? It HAS to be a sign. Anyway, I feel like my Thetans are out of wack and they need to be fixed or whatever. I really don’t know anything about Scientology, to be honest. I know there are aliens, which is pretty cool. And volcanoes. Also, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to fuck Kirstie Alley. She’s really sexy, and I’m guessing she’s pretty desperate these days. So yeah, what should I…
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Divine Advice for Deeply Troubled

Who’s hotter? Mona from Who’s the Boss? Or Blanche from The Golden Girls? Why did Hollywood do away with the slutty older woman as a comedic device? Fondly, Deeply Troubled Dear DT, Mona’s hotter, hands down. But I’m going to argue semantics with your premise here a little bit. I would say that, within the context of The Golden Girls, Blanche would not be considered “older.” She was by far the youngest of the main stars of that show, and I think that is why the writers chose to make her the slutty one. Plus, as a Southern Belle with the name “Blanche,” she was clearly supposed to be a reference to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Now, in the play, Blanche is the slutty older sister, a has-been passed her prime, but hardly what you would call “old.” I would also argue that Blanche wasn’t even meant…
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Divine Advice For Kristen Stewart

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve done something horrible and I don’t know what to do about it. While working on the forgettable movie Snow White and the Huntsman, I cheated on my boyfriend Robert Pattinson with married director Rupert Sanders. We got drunk and I let him fuck my brains out. It was fun at the time, but afterwards I felt really guilty. I made a public apology to Robert, and he’s agreed to give me one more chance, but I can tell I’ll never fully regain his trust. Also, now I sort of want to fuck Thor, my co-star in Snow White and the Huntsman. I probably shouldn’t, though, right? I mean Thor’s married, too. What do you guys think? Sincerely, Kristen Stewart Dear Bella, Unless you’re a U.S. Congressman, adultery is one of those things I come down pretty hard on. Now I know you and Robert weren’t married,…
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Divine Advice for a Cannibal

Dear Jesus and Satan, Yesterday I ate a guy. I wasn’t even, like, in a plane crash in the mountains or anything. I just saw a guy who looked tasty and then I ate him. Should I not have done that? Both the regular Bible and the Satanic Bible are unclear on the subject. Sincerely, A Cannibal Dear Cannibal, Short answer: You shouldn’t have eaten the guy. Please don’t eat any more people. The only “human flesh” you should ever eat is mine, when you make Communion on Sundays. I know, I know—it’s not the same. Little stale crackers aren’t very satisfying when you crave flesh, but that’s the way it is. You know, I asked Luke to put a bit in his gospel about how you shouldn’t eat people, but somehow it didn’t make it in there. It’s probably too late to edit it now, seeing as how everyone’s already…
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Divine Advice For Hulk Hogan

Dear Divine Advice, I’ve always been true to my Hulkamaniacs, sticking to the Four Demandments: train hard, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and always believe in yourself. All of my success—both inside and outside the squared circle—depended on me following these rules. But something has just happened that is causing me to question everything. Yesterday, I saw The Fate of the Furious at the local multiplex. It was an IMAX 3-D version on the biggest screen in LA, and it was awesome. Definitely the best movie I’ve seen since Babe II: Pig in the City. Anyway, last night I had a very upsetting dream about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he was pounding my asshole with his huge cock, all the while yelling “Smell what The Rock is cookin! Smell what The Rock is cookin!” When I woke up this morning I was covered in my own jizz.…
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Divine Advice for Scott Pruitt

photo by Gage Skidmore

Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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