Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Adam Silver

Dear DA, I’m filled with both pride and horror that the NBA is apparently more powerful than the mainstream media, the CDC, and state and local governments. A doctor in Seattle starts barking about this virus in January, and nothing. Crickets. Rudy Gobert goes down, and suddenly shit gets real, especially after I suspended the season. Trump supporters can ignore or deny a lot of reality, and Americans are used to America responding to outbreaks responsibly, so they just kind of take it for granted that either America is doing what it’s supposed to or it isn’t that bad. Until the NBA gets suspended, because when the hell has that ever happened? I can’t remember it ever happening before, can you? (Seriously, I can’t). So that must mean the virus isn’t a hoax, because the NBA, well, I’m familiar with it. So it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper. It…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 3

Dear DA, I’ve had a good run for a musician, and I am a musician. And since my recent thickening, I’m one of the most fuckable women on earth. But I can’t help thinking timing has something to do with it. Every week since I’ve been born, and especially since I’ve been famous, something unbelievably awful happens. I got my first handjob on 9/11. My first demo, 1000 people died in Yemen. But to be fair, that happens, like, every week? Stock market crash 2008, my first period. Trump elected, my first strap-on. Coronavirus, my first kiss. I know that seems maybe out of order, but the South is different. So for the average millennial, all straight men, and 90% of women, it’s either look at the most recent weekly horror or look at Taylor Swift. I’m Taylor Swift, and I, like most even remotely self-aware people, hate myself, but…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Tulsi Gabbard

Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Anna Kendrick

Dear DA, You can tell by my sharp weaselly little face that I’m a crazy bitch, which makes me great in the sack but a nightmare to deal with. I expect perfection. Nothing but the best for me. And why won’t the dentist just let me use the children’s size x-rays? It makes absolutely no sense. It’s not like it makes him a pedophile or anything. Because of my diminutive size (which I hate other people pointing out btw), I’m forced/blessed to wear a lot of children’s clothing. Children’s shoes have really come a long way, as has their underwear. You’d think it might freak a guy out but nothing freaks those perverts out. As long as I keep putting out I can be a completely crazy bitch almost 24/7. All I need to do is tell them “I know I’m crazy, but I just can’t control myself.” I say…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Bloomberg

I should have doubled down on stop and frisk. New York City’s default state = crime-ridden shithole. And we all know it. And the hood is called the hood because it’s dangerous. That’s where 95% of the crime was/is happening, so that’s where I sent the cops to stop and frisk people. You want guns off the street, you have to go where people are shooting each other, and you can’t afford to be racist or politically correct about it. What was I supposed to do? Stop and frisk people on Central Park West? I hate to play this card, but I’m going to go ahead because it’s relevant. After 9/11, we sent cops everywhere, to slums and ghettos that hadn’t seen a cop in years. And the people, mainly single mothers on their way to work, yelled at the cops “Where have you been? It shouldn’t take something like…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Natalie Portman

Dear DA, Sigh. Okay. Here we go. I was criticized by Rose McGowan for wearing a cape with ladies’ names on it while, according to her, not working with enough ladies. The cape itself costs over $15,000.00, or a few grand over the US poverty line, but don’t worry, I didn’t have to pay for it. When you’re a millionaire like me or Rose McGowan used to be, people just give you shit like fancy capes for free. Thinking about her criticism, I realized it’s technically true, I don’t give a shit, and look at fucking Rose McGowan! How is she an advertisement for working with anyone even remotely like her? Obviously just having a vagina is enough to make you a raging bald-headed harpy who is offended at everything. You don’t do anything and you’re an asshole, you try to do something and it isn’t enough, you try to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Mitt Romney

Dear DA, Maybe you pulled some kind of double-reverse Pinnochio on me, but for the last week or so, I’ve been compelled to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and voting to impeach that knock-kneed babushka was just the beginning. Some people are suddenly under the impression that I’m a “good person,” and that’s just not true. This is hardly surprising to my “friends” and “family,” they’ve known for decades that I’m as rapacious and bloodthirsty as the terrifying bird who symbolizes this once great country. What disappoints them is that I’m just as wooden and dull as I’ve always appeared to be. There is no great intellect or perversion lurking within unless you count my sexual incontinence. I must be the only person in America who isn’t a pervert. I was about to write “man,” but my newfound honesty compels me to acknowledge that…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Harvey Weinstein 2

Dear DA, I’m nearly 70 and look about 100, like a half-inflated Snoopy balloon. Have you seen me shuffling in and out of court all hunched down and broken over my walker? I can’t even lift one entire foot off the ground anymore. This ordeal has taken a toll on me. At first, I was faking the shuffling and drooling, but I’ve got to tell you, the collective wrath of a small portion of people on Twitter and Facebook is really demoralizing, even for a self-centered bastard like me. The thing is, we’re all self-centered bastards, including all the chicks I banged. They wanted to be stars and were willing to go through me to make their Hollywood dreams come true, quid pro quo. I won’t live to see any of the legal ramifications of my actions, and looking back on this sordid adventure, it was worth it. At first,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Obama

Original art by R. Klemek

Dear DA, Some very important information has been brought to my attention. According to the current President of the United States, the former President of the United States was actually a Muslim Kenyan Terrorist. He lied about his birth certificate, religion, and just about everything else you can imagine. He was even a part of the “climate change hoax,” though I can assure you that he had no idea it was a hoax, but as President of the United States, he should have known, so I honestly don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he didn’t know, or the fact that he unknowingly went along with it. I wish that was all, and as much as I hate the idea of possibly implicating anyone else, I feel it is my due diligence to report that this ex-President’s wife has been alleged to be a pre-op transsexual. I give you my…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Louis C.K. 2

Dear DA, I’ve got to be 100% honest. The only lesson I’ve learned from my ordeal is to stick to prostitutes, or as I refer to them, the only real female adults. You ask them a question (can I masturbate in front of you?) and they give you a straight answer (for you, $200.00, because you’re fat and I’ve seen you on TV). What exactly did I do wrong? People say it’s because these women were subordinate to me, but I don’t buy it. If I had asked my Mexican landscaper if I could masturbate in front of him, would there have been all of this outrage? The answer is no, because Paco would have said yes. Watching me masturbate is easier than mowing my lawn, and he has to watch me masturbate while he mows my lawn anyway (I don’t believe in curtains). I know I said I understand…
Read more

Share this post: