Divine Advice

Divine Advice For Tom Cruise 2

Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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Divine Advice For Robert Mueller

Dear DA, I’m a private man, so it troubles me to ask this, but I really need some advice. As you’re probably aware, I’ve been investigating Donald Trump for a little over a year. I’ve already gotten plenty of dirt on him, and I keep finding more. So I can’t blame the guy for getting a little twitchy. Long story short: last night, the doorbell rings and Ivanka is standing there in nothing but a bathrobe and a red MAGA hat. The hat has one of those little cameras built into it, and she’s wearing an earpiece. I invite her in and I hear Trump’s voice coming from the earpiece, telling her to take it off, so she takes off the bathrobe. I tell her she might as well get dressed and take off the hat, as I know what she’s up to and my wife is in the next…
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Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin

Dear DA, In Soviet Union, official policy is we do not believe in the God and the Satan. And yes, is still Soviet Union. But I ask because I believe advice is good. Maybe I consider invading Ukraine and dog’s bark sounds like “Ukraine!”, so I attack. If advice good, is good, whether come from mouth of dog or chicken. My great joy in Soviet Union is breaking horse. The moment when horse finally breaks, it gives me, how you say? Multiple orgasm. Is like woman, yes? No means yes. I look forward to breaking Trump, I savor the anticipation of his limp body when he finally submits. But he cheats me. He breaks too easy. Now I need new horse to conquer. Perhaps Eastern Europe? Was next on list after Trump, but I did not expect to be horny again so soon. I Must Break You, Vladimir Putin President…
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Divine Advice For Anne Hathaway

Dear DA, I have a reputation for being a crazy bitch, but the last 18 years have been stressful for me. Ever since The Princess Diaries was released in 2001, I’ve been working out three hours a day six days a week, and my diet has consisted of nothing but celery, yogurt, and one peanut a month. It’s difficult to be “perky” when you’re living on 400 calories a day and constantly exercising. I was finally getting used to it when I had to wear that catsuit in the Batman movie. They raised me up to four peanuts a week so I could build some muscle mass, but I was almost 30 at that point and it was hard to go back to just one peanut when we were done shooting. Now I’m 35, or as women actors in Hollywood call it, six years past my expiration date. I haven’t…
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Divine Advice For Bartolo Colón

Dear Jesus and Satan, I was watching the Texas Rangers play and saw Bartolo Colón was pitching. I figured it must be Bartolo Colón’s son. I saw Bartolo Colón pitch for the Indians in 97, so there’s no way that he could still be playing. He’d be a fat old man. But the Bartolo Colón pitching was a fat old man, and he still had some life in his fastball. My first thought was that he must be juicing. Look at that old lard. He looks like a drunk security guard or an old-timey butcher, and he’s still touching 90mph with his heater. My kids don’t play baseball. The entire I reason played baseball (and apparently still do) is so they wouldn’t have to. It isn’t just the juice they’d need to stay strong and crazy, it’s all the hallucinogens, cocaine, and opioids, too. I didn’t want my kids going…
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Divine Advice For Alden Ehrenreich

Dear Divine Advice, I think I ruined Star Wars. What should I do? Sincerely, Alden Ehrenreich Dear Alden Ehrenreich, You know what? You did ruin Star Wars. You want my advice? Go to a fuckin’ zoo and feed yourself to a Wookiee. Or a tiger—I’m so angry right now, I don’t remember which one of those is real. I created a lot of animals, but there were also blueprints for some that never got made. Over the years, I’ve gone and put some of those rejects in movie scripts. Not directly, of course. I use a process I like to call Divine Osmosis. I whisper bits of ideas to writers while they’re sleeping or drunk. I don’t pretend to be much of a writer myself—at least not until recently. I’m actually the One who wrote the screenplay for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It wasn’t easy for me to let…
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Divine Advice For Jeff Sessions

Dear Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and Satan His evil but necessary counterpart, I’m starting to think we bet on the wrong horse. The problem with this latest kids in cages debacle is that we put little kids into cages. The demented harpies who voted for Trump aren’t going to stand for this, seeing little kids suffering makes them weak in the ovaries. And Trump saying it’s the Democrats fault, and then saying an executive order wouldn’t be enough, and then saying congress had to do it, and then caving and signing an executive order anyway. This is a lot to swallow even for a Trump supporter. We’d need a miracle to survive the midterms after this. Or a deal with the Devil. Either way, as long as we Make America Great Again or accomplish whatever the hell it is we’re supposedly doing. We’re a bit short on souls,…
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Divine Advice For Michael Cohen

Dear DA, I’m screwed. You know the people who when they were kids were always misquoting movies? Who’d tell the same dumb joke or say the same stupid catchphrase over and over again and laugh every time? That kid was me. I’ve always been kind of a wannabe. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy. Living with nature among all of God’s creatures, sleeping under the stars and cooking beans over a campfire, all of that stuff sounded awful to me. But being able to shoot Indians or Native Americans or really anyone (but it’s easier to get away with it if they’re brown) would have made all of those hardships worth it. Like a lot of college guys, I went through my “The Godfather” and “Scarface” phase. I would repeat those lines about cannolis and saying hello to my little pal to everyone. I was…
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Divine Advice For Adolf Hitler

Dear DA, Yes, they saved my brain. I’ve been monitoring the earth’s activities from my Nazi Martian Thunderdome and frankly, you people sicken me. Certain earth elements have been comparing me to Donald Trump, so I want to make it absolutely clear right here and right now that the comparison is invalid. To compare me to that draft dodging, fat assed, Russian piss hound buffoon! I got a medical deferral, but I forced my way into serving anyway, I was on the front lines of WW1! I was awarded two Iron Crosses for valor. Zwei! When I see that fat orange baboon blabbering away I want to kick him in the stomach and stomp on his face until his face and his stomach switch places and he looks like the pink, bloated balloon man he is! VERDAMMT SOHN EINER HUNDEN ARSHGEIGE FLACHWICHSER! I hate him! When I get back to…
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