Tag Archive: Rudy Giuliani
The Skull Island Times > Rudy Giuliani
RK Galaga
August 16, 2021
Divine Advice
Andrew Cuomo, Chris Christie, Chris Cuomo, Donald Trump, Dracula, Eliot Spitzer, Frank Sinatra, Mitt Romney, Renfield, Rudy Giuliani, Ted Cruz
Dear Divine Advice, I’m sitting here in utter disbelief that the PC thugs actually won. I really thought I could Trump my way through this, but I guess not. Apparently, all politicians can get away with murdering geezers and bullying staffers to cover it up, but only Republicans can survive a #METOO moment. I still don’t know why that slide show of me groping all those people didn’t convince everyone that I wasn’t a creep. It shouldn’t count as sexual harassment if you also do it to men. And why wasn’t anyone satisfied with my “I’m just Italian” excuse? Everyone knows that all Italian men have magnets in their hands that are attracted to women’s asses. Also, we like to eat spaghetti and attack giant gorillas who are throwing barrels at us. Anyway, my question is, now that I won’t be Governor any more, how can I trick hot young…
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H. Seitz
July 3, 2021
Divine Advice
Alan Thicke, Bill Cosby, Dr. Huxtable, Hugh Hefner, Jell-O Pudding Pops, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, Lisa Bonet, Morgan Freeman, Ned Flanders, OJ SImpson, Raven-Simone, Robin Givens, Rudy Giuliani, Satan, The Cosby Show, Tracey Gold
Dear DA, As you might well know, I’m a free man, completely exonerated! I did absolutely nothing wrong! In this day and age, it’s very difficult to say. They let me go, but they let OJ go, too, but in my case, what would be the point? I’m 84 years old. I’m too old and crazy to even remember what I might have done back in the day. I dream about Lisa Bonet sometimes and Jell-O Pudding Pops, but aside from a few vague memories, my life is a blur. Probably like all those women felt while I was raping them. My point is that context matters. Didn’t Morgan Freeman pull something like this? Once you get past 80, you should be considered legally dead and therefore allowed to do anything. They can’t punish you for something you did in the 80s, because you’re already dead! Even that young honky…
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RK Galaga
May 17, 2021
Divine Advice
Andrew Yang, Bill de Blasio, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, Caitlyn Jenner, Dave Chappelle, Defund the Police, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, Ken Jeong, Michael Bloomberg, Red Lobster, Rudy Giuliani, Trader Joe's, Whoopi Goldberg, Yang Gang
Dear Divine Advice, Recently, I had an epiphany: the best way to win the election for mayor of NYC is to become Mike Bloomberg. So far it seems to be working. Some of my more progressive supporters got a little pissed off about my Israel comments, but what can I say? There are more Jews in NY than Muslims, and the Jews have more money. Of course, my stance on the Middle East has no real policy implications within the city, but it’s an issue that matters to certain donors whose asses I need to kiss, and I said what I had to say for their endorsement. The truth is, I don’t really give a shit about what’s happening over there. My other Bloomberg-like policy idea is a little more consequential and a little more controversial because it’s about crime. The rest of the country might not have noticed this,…
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H. Seitz
May 3, 2021
Divine Advice
Abraham, Chris Christie, Dobby, Donald Trump, Dracula, Eric Trump, Harry Potter, Isaac, Renfield, Rudy Giuliani
Dear DA, Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever. Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me. The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they warned me again and I ignored them again. And then suddenly, out of the blue, they’re raiding my home? Seems kind of suspicious if you ask me. The last time I checked, the President is more powerful than the FBI. Or at least he’s supposed to be. He tells me to jump off a bridge or go to Ukraine to help…
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H. Seitz
December 28, 2020
Divine Advice
Andrew Cuomo, Andrew Yang, AOC, Bill de Blasio, Chris Cuomo, Donald Trump, Joe Crowley, Mario Cuomo, Rudy Giuliani
Dear DA, I don’t want to be President anymore. I don’t even want to be Governor anymore. As the Governor of NY, I’m one of the only Governors anyone has ever heard of. Many people in the smaller states don’t even know who their Governor is. I actually had people calling me from Nashville, demanding that I find whoever blew up that RV and hang him. (All gender and racial equality aside, it was definitely a white guy. It always is.) One of them said that as Chancellor, it was my duty to personally hunt this maniac down and bring him to justice. I can’t help feeling that most Americans have a fundamentally flawed concept of how our government is supposed to work. Trump is, to put it diplomatically, unreliable, and while Joe will be better, the guy is 100 years old. You ever live in NY? The city? I…
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H. Seitz
November 9, 2020
Divine Advice
Beck, Donald Trump, Jesus, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Rudy Giuliani, Rudy Guilliani, Satan, Scientology, the Joker, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I still know Trump is going to win and everything is going to be fine. But just in case, what do you think about Scientology? I know you have to start at the bottom, by cleaning Tom Cruise’s cars and some other weird shit, but for a guy like me, there might not be a lot of other options left. From what they tell me, I sign over all my assets, which at this point, isn’t all that much. For Trump, as his lawyer, I think it’d be a massive win. He gets a new job cleaning hubcaps and they get his billions of dollars of debt. Still, as a tax-exempt “religion,” I think this could work out for all of us. Trump is practically a cult leader as it is. You put these two massive cults together and BAM! Trump 2024. Or Cruise-Trump 2024. I hear they…
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H. Seitz
June 18, 2018
Divine Advice
Betty White, Bruins Human Centipede, Donald Trump, Estelle Getty, Golden Girls, Guantanamo, Guinness Book of World Records, Jesus Christ, Michael Cohen, Raisin Bran, Red Sox, Rose, Rudy Giuliani, Saag Paneer, Satan, Scarface, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Terminator, The Godfather, Yankees
Dear DA, I’m screwed. You know the people who when they were kids were always misquoting movies? Who’d tell the same dumb joke or say the same stupid catchphrase over and over again and laugh every time? That kid was me. I’ve always been kind of a wannabe. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy. Living with nature among all of God’s creatures, sleeping under the stars and cooking beans over a campfire, all of that stuff sounded awful to me. But being able to shoot Indians or Native Americans or really anyone (but it’s easier to get away with it if they’re brown) would have made all of those hardships worth it. Like a lot of college guys, I went through my “The Godfather” and “Scarface” phase. I would repeat those lines about cannolis and saying hello to my little pal to everyone. I was…
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