As you might well know, I’m a free man, completely exonerated! I did absolutely nothing wrong!
In this day and age, it’s very difficult to say. They let me go, but they let OJ go, too, but in my case, what would be the point? I’m 84 years old. I’m too old and crazy to even remember what I might have done back in the day. I dream about Lisa Bonet sometimes and Jell-O Pudding Pops, but aside from a few vague memories, my life is a blur. Probably like all those women felt while I was raping them.
My point is that context matters. Didn’t Morgan Freeman pull something like this? Once you get past 80, you should be considered legally dead and therefore allowed to do anything. They can’t punish you for something you did in the 80s, because you’re already dead!
Even that young honky making the new flying guy movies, the guy who can shoot lasers out of his eyes, wasn’t he involved in some scandal, too? But then his daughter kills herself and along comes the pandemic and everyone just “forgets.”
That’s the most important lesson I learned from my days as a comedian. Timing is everything, and I timed this almost perfectly. If I’d died 10 years ago, I’d still be considered a saint. Good old Dr. Huxtable, scarfing down hoagies and slurping on pudding pops. Damn do I miss those pudding pops. Almost as much as I miss raping unconscious women. The secret is horse tranquilizers.
I’m so senile I almost forgot–is there a way to make homemade Jell-O Pudding Pops? I don’t know how to use the internet, or even what the word means, so I could really use an old-fashioned recipe written in enormous block letters.
People seem to forget that it was Hugh Hefner who first gave you the rape drugs and taught you how to rape. He was a pornographer so why doesn’t anyone talk about the shit that went on in the Playboy Mansion? Part of it is because he was rich and white, but part of it is exactly what you said: He died before anyone knew what a creep he really was, and now he’s simply remembered as a sleazebag, which isn’t quite as bad as being a creep and doesn’t carry with it the same level of cancel power.
Another thing people don’t realize is you’ve always had something seriously wrong with your brain. When you were spouting those long strings of nonsensical words—sazzle flazzle flip flop, or whatever—you weren’t just trying to be Black Ned Flanders, you were having a mini stroke. Was it amusing? Sure. To me, all human suffering is amusing. But it was also sad. Not as sad as those silly dances you used to do just to be more relatable to white people, though. And the sweater thing was a little over-the-top, don’t you think? I mean, we get it. You don’t like rap music. You don’t use the “N” word.
Anyway, I’m getting off-topic here. My point is, just because you were misunderstood doesn’t mean you aren’t a rapist. And just because you slipped through the cracks of the American legal system doesn’t mean you’re free and clear. You still have me to deal with, and I’m not a forgiving man. Well, sometimes I am, but right now, I happen to be going through an “Old Testament” phase. A lot of fire, a lot of brimstone, people are being turned into pillars of salt, that sort of thing. What can I say, I’m feeling nostalgic? Too bad for you and all the other scumbags, though. Now, I know what you’re thinking: there’s plenty of sanctioned rape in the Old Testament, so why don’t I give you a break? That’s a fair point, and to be honest, I don’t have a good answer for you, but the fact is I’ve made up my mind. Your last years on Earth are going to be agonizing. You will be stoned. You will be tarred and feathered. You will be mocked and ridiculed. And then you’ll die and go to Hell.
The good news is we have plenty of Jell-O pudding pops down here in Hell. The bad news is they are suppositories, and the sticks they come on are actually robotic cobras. At least your ass gets a cold treat before it’s destroyed.
Confession: I’m so glad you turned out to be awful, because I’ve always been such a huge fan, and now I get to spend eternity with you. We’re going to recreate The Cosby Show and it’s going to be awesome. Unfortunately, the rest of the cast of the original show won’t be joining us because they’re all going up to Heaven, but we don’t need them. Robin Givens is going to play the Lisa Bonet part, Rudy Guiliani is going to play Rudy, the Raven-Symoné character is going to be played by an actual raven, and we’re just going to skip the Vanessa character altogether because she was lame. But guess who’s going to play Theo. Yours truly, the Prince of Darkness himself! Now, I know I don’t have a SAG card, but I’ve got plenty of acting experience. All those women you raped were actually me in disguise if you can believe it. Especially the ones who gave you syphilis. I don’t mean to brag, but I had you fooled every time, didn’t I? And I’ve only gotten better at acting since then. When Alan Thicke arrived, we did a production of Growing Pains with me in the Kirk Cameron role, and it brought the house down. I can’t wait until the actual Kirk Cameron gets here so we can try it again with me in the Tracey Gold part. Anyway, The Cosby Show is going to be huge. I don’t mean to rush you or anything, but uh… if you were to have a massive heart attack or another one of your strokes sometime soon, it would be greatly appreciated.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.