Tag Archive: qanon
The Skull Island Times > qanon
H. Seitz
October 18, 2021
Divine Advice
Bridezilla, Colin Kaepernick, Donald Trump, Doogie Howser, James Harden, Jesus, Kayne West, KD, Kyrie Irving, Lebron James, New Jersey Nets, qanon, Ron Artest, Satan, Scottie Pippen
Dear DA, You know that show Bridezillas? Think of me as the bride. Sure I got the fancy wedding and everyone put up with my crazy bullshit, but was it perfect? Was it? These moments don’t come around often, so when they do, it’s got to be all about me. With me, KD, and James Harden, the Nets got a real shot at a chip. The only problem is that NY requires people to be vaccinated if they want to eat in strip clubs or go to enormous sports arenas, even superstar athletes like me. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not getting that fucking vaccine for anyone. Assuming the Nets keep me, I stand to lose $17 million, a shot at a championship, and the chance to infect players, strippers, coaches, physical trainers, medical staff, reporters, vendors, more strippers, janitors, and fans from all over the country,…
Read more
Ryan Klemek
August 30, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Around the World in 80Days, Gavin Newsom, Halle Berry, Jackie Chan, John Wick, Kamala Harris, Larry Elder, qanon, Ron DeSantis, Steve Coogan
Dear Divine Advice, Apparently, there’s a law in California where the 20 or 30 dumbest assholes in the state can get together on a whim and decide to remove the Governor for, really, any ridiculous reason at all. In this case, it’s because they don’t feel like following public health guidelines that have been gently enforced to keep Californians safe during a deadly pandemic. Remember watching Arnold Schwarzenegger hang out in an opium den with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan in that shitty Around the World in 80 Days movie and thinking “damn, that meathead is the Governor of California?” Well, that’s about to happen again, only it’s going to be a lot worse this time. At least Arnold wasn’t a QAnon nutjob. Larry Elder, the asshat leading in the poles to replace me, is basically Black Alex Jones. A Democrat as handsome and charming as I am shouldn’t be…
Read more
RK Galaga
June 7, 2021
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alexander Rodriguez, Andrew Cuomo, Angelina Jolie, Anthony Fauci, Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, Chelsea Handler, COVID, Donald Trump, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, J-Lo, Jack the Ripper, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Josef Mengele, qanon, Rand Paul, Satan, Steve Buscemi
Dear Jesus and Satan, The other day, I stumbled upon some Anthony Fauci/Andrew Cuomo erotic fan fiction that Chelsea Handler wrote back in April 2020, and it brought a tear to my eye. Those were simpler times, when the public accepted every word that came out of my mouth as gospel, and anyone who expressed any doubt was lumped in with the QAnon conspiracy nuts. It was a great time to be Anthony Fauci, let me tell you. Did I get to fuck Chelsea Handler? No—I’m no Andrew Cuomo—but I did have Brad Pitt play me on Saturday Night Live, which meant I could have fucked Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie if I had wanted to. I declined, for obvious reasons (they’re both old and Botox-y). In hindsight, I wish they had cast Ben Affleck instead because then I would have had access to J-Lo’s luscious booty. Who knew she…
Read more
H. Seitz
March 22, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, CrossFit, Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Playboy, qanon
Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com
Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
Read more
RK Galaga
February 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Big, Bill Clinton, Bosom Buddies, Dogma, Hilary Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Kevin Smith, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Paul Bettany, Philadelphia, Pizzagate, qanon, Satan, The Da Vinci Code, Tom Hanks
Dear Divine Advice, I’m writing to you today to ask for strength. Last night, I watched the movie Big hoping to find secret proof of Tom Hanks’s involvement with QAnon, but the exact opposite happened. Instead, I found myself rooting for Tom and hoping for his safe return to suburban life. In the film, he’s actually a victim of pedophilia, not the perpetrator. I know it’s pretty common for abusers to have been abused themselves, so the story should have actually reinforced the theory. The problem is Hanks was just so damn likable, and it has caused me to question everything. If Q can be wrong about the most Hollywood man in Hollywood, who else could he be wrong about? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning from a dream that I was having a pleasant brunch with none other than Hillary Clinton herself. Hillary Clinton! The worst…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 23, 2020
Divine Advice
Baby Yoda, Gina Carano, J.J. Abrams, Jesus Christ, Jon Favreau, qanon, Rian Johnson, Satan, The Mandalorian
Dear DA, I don’t answer to man’s laws, only to God’s, but I am still subject to the punishment of man, or being “canceled.” If you thought my Tweets were crazy, about masks being a trick or a form of suppression, you’re right. It’s dangerous, irresponsible, and pushes the boundaries of the First Amendment. That crazy bitch should be punished, so my question for you is whether it’s possible to sue myself? I mean, this is kind of like screaming “fire!” in a movie theater when there isn’t a fire, right? You remember movie theaters? Those big, dark places where people used to go to watch giant robots blow each other up and boobies? I’m really torn on this one. On the one hand, I have the right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and to stand up against the government, scientists, doctors, epidemiologists all while making a…
Read more
RK Galaga
September 7, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Dukes of Hazzard, Epstein, Gandhi, Hillary Clinton, incel, Jesus Christ, Kyle Rittenhouse, Planned Parenthood, qanon, Satan, the General Lee, Tom Hanks
Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
Read more
