Tag Archive: Mitch McConnell
The Skull Island Times > Mitch McConnell
H. Seitz
April 11, 2021
Divine Advice
Anthony Hopkins, Ben Shapiro, Boris Johnson, Charlottesville, Koch Brothers, Mitch McConnell, Piers Morgan, Rush Limbaugh, Sir Ian McKellen, Spice Girls
Dear DA, Let’s dish. First of all, I don’t believe in 90% of the crap I spout. I’m just not talented or smart enough to do anything else. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I guess you could say I turned to the darkside. Rush was getting old, and I saw a void to fill, and here I am, ready to take over. The reason I walked off that British TV show is because frankly, I miscalculated. I thought the English had become as stupid as Americans, but they’re not quite there yet. I realized that about a minute in and figured fuck it, why waste my time? Another little secret I’ll let you in on: Moscow Mitch is half Smurf, and that’s why he was half-purple. It was too hot and his makeup was running. As a mensch, I don’t really believe in the afterlife or hell, but just in…
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RK Galaga
January 4, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, George Floyd, Jesus, Joe Biden, John the Baptist, Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Satan, Wuhan
Original graphic by Dixie Allan
Dear Divine Advice, Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t…
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H. Seitz
June 29, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Andrew McCarthy, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Ducky, Glasses Girl, James Spader, Jesus Christ, John Hughes, Jon Cryer, Made in Manhattan, Mitch McConnell, Molly Ringwald, Pretty in Pink, Randy Feenstra, Satan, Steve King
Dear DA, Well it’s official: we are on the brink of the Apocalypse. AOC, or as I like to call her, Glasses Girl, just won her primary, and I just lost mine, and she had to go rub my nose in it by calling me out on Twitter. To be fair, I kind of accused her of being a shifty Mexican liar, but the only reason I even mentioned her name was to see if she’d pay attention to me. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but it’s like one of those teen movies where I’m the Superstud Jock and she’s the nerdy Glasses Girl. My plan was to win a bet with Mitch McConnell that I could take her to prom and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her when we went up onstage to get our crowns, but somewhere along the way, I fell for her…
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H. Seitz
May 25, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Ford, Donald Trump, Jesus, Mitch McConnell, Satan
Dear DA, For the record, no, Trump did not wear a mask. For him, I think you’d need a gentle leader or a muzzle. Or maybe a choke chain. Trump is worse than my Golden Retriever Zippy. Not only did he refuse to wear a mask, he kept licking the bumpers and chewing on the seats. He said robots made the cars anyway, and robots can’t get the virus, right? And if they can, you should hire better robots. If I seemed exasperated when I spoke with the press, it’s because I was. I asked him to put on his mask at least a half dozen times, to stop playing with the machines and pushing all the buttons. I was this close to hitting him with a rolled up newspaper, but he’s somehow the President, and I don’t think I’m allowed to. I’ve never met another human being like him.…
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H. Seitz
May 4, 2020
Divine Advice
AOC, Benjamin Button, Charlie Brown, Donald Trump, Ewan McGregor, George Takei, Jesus, Jim Caviezel, Leonardo Da Vinci, Madonna Litta, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Neil Patrick Harris, Obi Wan Kenobi, Passion of the Christ, Phil Donahue, RuPaul, Satan, Sofía Vergara, The Phantom Menace
Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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H. Seitz
March 30, 2020
Divine Advice
CNN, COVID-19, Donald Trump, Grim Reaper, Mitch McConnell, Moscow Mitch, NBC
Dear DA, I look like a bald ferret with no chin, and have a personality to match! I’m well aware that I’m going to hell, but maybe we can make a deal? What I can do, every bill from now on, I’ll keep adding slush funds for you. I know it didn’t make it this time, but it usually does. America is the best. A first world country that pays third world wages. And when the going gets tough, it’s every man for himself. It’s like that all the time actually, I get mine and you go fuck yourself, but especially during a crisis. What I want from you, in return for those slush funds, is to give Trump back his supporters. They’ve been strangely quiet. It’s almost as if this entire COVID-19 thing forced them to face reality, and maybe even question their core beliefs. If you think this…
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H. Seitz
January 21, 2019
Divine Advice
Barack Obama, Fox News, Jesus Christ, Mitch McConnell, Old Testament, Rand Paul, Satan, Shepard Smith, The Devil, Uranium One
Dear DA, Does eating Turkey Buzzards make me a cannibal? Hehehe. I’m just kidding to show y’all that I can be human and lifelike, too, just like a regular earth fellow. Anyway–my job used to be a lot more complicated until I discovered a little secret that more than quadrupled my efficiency, and I discovered it by accident! It all started when that Obama fella got elected and I announced that whatever he tried to do, we’d block it on principle. Basically, my entire philosophy, and that of the Republican party, boiled down to “Obama bad.” Or now that he’s no longer president, “Obama bad” or “Democrats bad” or “Hillary bad.” It’s amazing how well it works. But with this government shutdown and wall debacle, it’s time to put the old thinking cap back on, and I have to admit that I’ve gotten a little bit rusty. How do I…
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