Divine Advice For Ben Shapiro

Dear DA,

Let’s dish. First of all, I don’t believe in 90% of the crap I spout. I’m just not talented or smart enough to do anything else. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I guess you could say I turned to the darkside. Rush was getting old, and I saw a void to fill, and here I am, ready to take over. 

The reason I walked off that British TV show is because frankly, I miscalculated. I thought the English had become as stupid as Americans, but they’re not quite there yet. I realized that about a minute in and figured fuck it, why waste my time?

Another little secret I’ll let you in on: Moscow Mitch is half Smurf, and that’s why he was half-purple. It was too hot and his makeup was running.  

As a mensch, I don’t really believe in the afterlife or hell, but just in case, I want you to know that I’m only in it for the money and the ass (which is kind of redundant, right?). So if there is a hell and I do end up down there, I hope you’ll have some mercy. I do go to confession every few hours, so I think I’ve beat the system anyway, but just in case I die before the next time I go. 

Ben Shapiro

Dear Ben,

It was two years ago that you stormed out of that interview, and by now, I think the British have more than caught up to Americans as far as stupidity goes. Just ask Piers Morgan. The problem is, when we think of English people, we think of Anthony Hopkins or Sir Ian McKellen or some other high-class chap with a sophisticated accent. But don’t forget; the Spice Girls are also British. So is Boris Johnson. There are Brits so toothless and ignorant that they make people from Boston sound smaht.

As for you thinking you can avoid Hell just by not believing in it, well, I’ve got news for ya, Jack. It doesn’t work that way. I mean, what do you think is going to happen to Woody Allen when he dies? Think we’re just going to let him walk away from all that statutory rape free and clear? Trust me, the ax is going to fall, and it’s going to fall hard. But his fate doesn’t necessarily have to be yours. You’re still young, and so far, your biggest sin is being an asshole. There’s plenty of time for you to straighten up and fly right. Of course, you’ll have to change pretty much everything about your personality and philosophy and probably how you dress. And you’ll have to convert to Christianity, obviously. Don’t worry; it’s not as bad as it sounds. You won’t have as much money, but you get to have tattoos and eat bacon!

—Jesus Christ

Dear Ben,

I’ve met Rush Limbaugh—I’ve got my 12-inch barbed cock halfway down his throat right now, as a matter of fact—and you’re no Rush Limbaugh. Sure, you have a sharper wit and a quicker tongue, but you lack the courage to be overtly and unapologetically racist and offensive when it counts. It’s not that you aren’t racist, it’s just that you try to prop up your comments with misleading and out-of-context data to make yourself sound smart. Well, that’s how bitches insult people, and for that reason, you’ll never be able to win over the angriest and whitest Limbaugh fans (or LimBros as I just now started calling them.) Of course, you and I both know what your biggest obstacle to conquering the white supremacist market is, so there’s no reason to even bring it up. Let’s just say that, in spite of your willingness to defend the Charlottesville crowd against libtard condemnation, you won’t be welcome at their next rally.

The one thing I know about you is you’re one stubborn sonofagun, and if someone tells you you’ll never be the next Rush Limbaugh, well then, by golly, that’s exactly what you’re gonna try to be. So have at it. Continue on your current path so that you get sent to Hell after you kick the bucket. I, for one, look forward to your arrival. All my latest conservative inmates are insufferable morons. I get that it’s my job to torment the worst humans of all time, but these people are so annoying that it’s actually torture for me to be in the same room as them. And the ones still up there circling the drain are even worse (I’m looking at you, Moscow Mitch, and remaining Koch Brothers). As someone not of the Christian faith, I understand you may have some reservations about joining us down here, but let me assure you we’re very culturally sensitive. We have a Shabbat dinner every Friday night and there’s plenty of unleavened bread and latkes for Passover. It’s all designed to make your stomach explode, but it certainly isn’t the worst torture we have down here.

Oh, and I almost forgot the best part: every year on their birthday, each Jew in Hell gets to set off a bear trap on Hitler’s nuts! Anyway, I hope to see you in about 50 years. Oh, and tell your wife I said “hi.” In all honesty, I don’t find her very attractive, but I try to fuck every married woman at least once.


Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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