Tag Archive: Melania Trump
The Skull Island Times > Melania Trump
H. Seitz
October 5, 2020
Divine Advice
Donald Drumpf, Donald Trump, Filet-O-Fish, Fish-O-Filet, Jesus, McDonald's, Melania Trump, Rube Goldberg, Satan
Dear DA, I got this friend, he’s got real problems. Actually, he’s brilliant, and he’s doing great, but you see, I think he got tricked. First Fauci said NO MASKS!, because the first responders needed them, and we didn’t really have any. Then all of the sudden masks are everywhere, and he says WEAR A MASK! What the hell is wrong with this guy? You know I was the one who shut down China? It could have been worse, much much worse, and I don’t even think it’s really this guy’s fault. If that dumb bitch Melania would have just stayed in her dungeon, none of this would have happened, but she had to take a bite of my Fish-O-Filet sandwich. I know it was you, Melania, don’t you lie to me! And she got her dirty China Virus all over it. What has the world come to when even…
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H. Seitz
August 17, 2020
Divine Advice
Barack Obama, Beyonce, Blake Shelton, Donald Trump, Ellen DeGeneres, Ellen Page, Ivanka Trump, Jaime Harrison, Jared Kushner, Joe the PLumber, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, Melania Trump, NASCAR, Oliver Stone, Oprah, Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, Sarah Palin, Wall Street
Dear DA, Hi guys, it’s me, Joe the Plumber. Remember me? Technically, I’m not a real plumber (damn socialists wanting licenses for everything), but I got Obama to admit he was a communist and got Trump into office, at least as far as I see it. Maybe it wasn’t exactly me, but it was guys like me. Simple, working-class guys who see a white guy in a suit with a hot wife and think “That there guy is a winner!” You’d think guys like me would hate 80’s type businessmen like Trump, but the movie Wall Street, written and directed by Oliver Stone, who’s a genius by the way, showed me what was what. Inside every 80’s businessman is a blue-collar guy just like me whose pappa got screwed by the system. And since you can’t beat the system, you join it, and then covertly beat it from within, and…
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H. Seitz
August 3, 2020
Divine Advice
Barron Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, Tiffany Trump
Dear DA, Lately, it seems like I can’t do anything right. I wear a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” to a child detention center, and everyone assumes I don’t care about the kids. Of course I care about kids, even Tiffany! The jacket was obviously a message to the press, because when you don’t care about something, you wear a jacket with a giant message to them spray-painted on the back. This just proves how incompetent the lamestream media has become, which is the one thing my idiot husband might actually be right about. And now this business about the Rose Garden. I know it seems out of touch, but put yourself in my shoes. I’m basically imprisoned with this giant baby, I spend all day cleaning between his rolls of fat and changing his diapers and pretending I can stand the sight of him, and…
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RK Galaga
March 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Anderson Cooper, Andrew Yang, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Democratic National Committee, DNC, Donald Trump, Fox News, Hillary Clinton, International Women's Day, Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Melania Trump, Satan, Trumpers, Tulsi Gabbard, UBI, universal basic income
Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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H. Seitz
January 27, 2020
Divine Advice
Al Gore, Barack Hussein Obama, Eleanor Roosevelt, Eyes Wide Shut, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Laura Bush, Mary Todd Lincoln, Melania Trump, Michelle Obama, Princess Diana, Satan
Original art by R. Klemek
Dear DA, Some very important information has been brought to my attention. According to the current President of the United States, the former President of the United States was actually a Muslim Kenyan Terrorist. He lied about his birth certificate, religion, and just about everything else you can imagine. He was even a part of the “climate change hoax,” though I can assure you that he had no idea it was a hoax, but as President of the United States, he should have known, so I honestly don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he didn’t know, or the fact that he unknowingly went along with it. I wish that was all, and as much as I hate the idea of possibly implicating anyone else, I feel it is my due diligence to report that this ex-President’s wife has been alleged to be a pre-op transsexual. I give you my…
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H. Seitz
March 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Armageddon, Barron Trump, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Johnny Depp, Melania Trump, Satan
Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
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H. Seitz
February 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Baron Trump, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Melania Trump, Michelle Obama, President Trump, Satan, The Devil, The Donald
Dear DA, I’m considering leaving my husband. It isn’t just the cheating or the humiliation or him lusting after his own goddamn daughter, it’s everything. He wears trusses whenever he goes out in public. Multiple trusses. And even with the trusses, he looks like a slob. And his odor. He smells like old ketchup and Play-Doh. When I feed him his bedtime cheeseburgers, I have to mash them up in a blender first and put a bib on him. A fucking bib. And when he wakes up in the morning, I have to bathe and dress him. He’s always obstinate about taking his bath. Then there’s the baby powder and the diaper and the trusses. His suits look funny because they’re all onesies. He can’t even tie his own fucking shoes. When I was pregnant with Baron and stopped having my period, he was afraid that Baron might be a…
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