Tag Archive: Ellen DeGeneres
The Skull Island Times > Ellen DeGeneres
Ryan Klemek
April 7, 2022
Divine Advice
Bill O'Reilly, Cary Grant, Ellen DeGeneres, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Jesus, Joe Biden, Putin, Satan, Scott Baio, Sean Hannity, Sean Penn, Steve Doocy, Zelenskyy
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m extremely confused. The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t get the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a nightly basis. I know I’m supposed to hate him—I mean I do hate him, but… You could never know how truly handsome he is until you’re sitting directly across from him. If I’m being honest, I always thought he had this Cary Grant thing going on, but the small screen doesn’t do him justice. In person, this man truly smolders. As we talked about Zelenskyy and Putin and the Russian invasion, I noticed a half chub forming in my pants, but at the time I thought I was just nervous. The truth of the matter is I was falling…
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H. Seitz
August 31, 2020
Divine Advice
Ellen DeGeneres, George Takei, Iron Man, Jesus, Met Gala, Richard Simmons, RuPaul, Saruman, Satan, Star Trek, Violet Beauregarde, Willy Wonka
Dear DA, Help me. My entire life I’ve always been myself, as seemingly bewildering and embarrassing as that is. Then I disappear under shady circumstances and people are concerned for all of two seconds, and that’s it. These people have their talons in me, and there’s nothing I can do. I’m literally being imprisoned and robbed from within my own home, and no one cares. Nothing. Crickets. Maybe if I was more popular, or a bigger star, or didn’t wear such creepy short shorts, more people would care about me. If I was a good looking white woman, society wouldn’t stand for this. But a creepy old man with a jew-fro is apparently fair game. This is just like the Gestapo all over again. Please, help me! Sincerely, Richard Simmons Dear Richard Simmons, I’m sorry, but this wallowing in self-pity is beneath you. And it’s completely unfounded. Never in human…
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H. Seitz
August 17, 2020
Divine Advice
Barack Obama, Beyonce, Blake Shelton, Donald Trump, Ellen DeGeneres, Ellen Page, Ivanka Trump, Jaime Harrison, Jared Kushner, Joe the PLumber, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, Melania Trump, NASCAR, Oliver Stone, Oprah, Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, Sarah Palin, Wall Street
Dear DA, Hi guys, it’s me, Joe the Plumber. Remember me? Technically, I’m not a real plumber (damn socialists wanting licenses for everything), but I got Obama to admit he was a communist and got Trump into office, at least as far as I see it. Maybe it wasn’t exactly me, but it was guys like me. Simple, working-class guys who see a white guy in a suit with a hot wife and think “That there guy is a winner!” You’d think guys like me would hate 80’s type businessmen like Trump, but the movie Wall Street, written and directed by Oliver Stone, who’s a genius by the way, showed me what was what. Inside every 80’s businessman is a blue-collar guy just like me whose pappa got screwed by the system. And since you can’t beat the system, you join it, and then covertly beat it from within, and…
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RK Galaga
May 11, 2020
Divine Advice
Another 48 Hours, COVID-19, Donald Trump, Ellen DeGeneres, Geico, hydroxychloroquine, Jenny McCarthy, Jesus, Judy Mikovits, Nick Nolte, plandemic, Satan, The Prince of Tides
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m considered by “many” to be one of the most accomplished scientists of my generation. Yes, I was arrested for stealing lab equipment, but it’s a much better story to say I was arrested for undermining our corrupt institutions by telling the truth about vaccines. And that truth, of course, is vaccines are made from donkey jizz and they cause autism and turn people into draculas and probably do a bunch of other bad stuff, too. Our own government (or the Chinese government or aliens or whoever makes the most compelling scapegoat) created this plandemic known as COVID-19 (or the China virus or the Kung Flu or whatever name stirs up the most controversy) as a way to control us and keep us from getting the life-saving haircuts we so desperately need. I’ve done the best I can to educate the world through Youtube videos and…
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H. Seitz
April 29, 2019
Divine Advice
Bernie Sanders, Cory Booker, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warren, Ellen DeGeneres, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Modern Family, Pete Buttigieg, Will and Grace
Dear DA, I know I’m old and tired and not very “woke,” but I’m probably about as good as it’s going to get for the American people right now, so I’m throwing my hat into the ring or the election or whatever the hell it is. What I mean to say is that I’m running for president, and I think I have decent shot. They way I see it, after a black guy like Obama, having a woman right after him was just too much. They, or I guess, “we,” needed a sleazy, crazy, old white guy to restore the balance of whatever the hell defines this country. Beer, guns, lesbians, I don’t know. I’m old. And that’s kind of the point. Most of us living today are used to old white guys being president, just one old white fart after another, year after year, decade after decade. It barely…
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