H. Seitz
August 20, 2017
Editorial
Bizarro, Donald Trump, Facebook, flat earther, Hulk, pro-Trump, social media, Solomon Grundy
When Hulk begin on Book of Faces, Hulk happy to reconnect with old monster friends, many not see since high school. But Hulk notice more time on Book of Faces, sadder Hulk get. Many old friends change bad. Solomon Grundy half monster before, but now complete zombie monster, speak worse than Hulk, can only scream “Grundy!”. He vote for Donald Trump, always post pro-Trump, make Hulk very sad. Bizarro same. Bizarro also vote Trump and now flat earther. Bizarro literally fly around earth, but insist earth flat. Hulk understand old friend still old friend even if crazy now, but Hulk realize Book of Faces no substitute real life connection. Monsters grow, change, keep old monster friends, but also need new. Sometimes, Hulk sit alone with voice in head. Voice tell Hulk okay to take walk, read book, spend Hulk time with Hulk. Hulk ramble, but message still clear. Social media…
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H. Seitz
August 17, 2017
Editorial
As person monster, Hulk find racism appalling. As monster of color, Hulk personally disgusted. Judge Hulk for Hulk, and judge self for self. Hulk heart full of regret. World cruel, life hard. But Hulk take responsibility for Hulk. Nazi Sympathizers lowest, most cowardly form of life. No personal responsibility. No honest with selves. Easier to blame most vulnerable, so do, and fix nothing. Superman once tell Hulk that even Hulk can be force for good. Hulk still believe individual choice to be good. To try be brave and honest with self. Hulk still believe in beauty of world. Hate not solution. Hulk quote favorite poet. Say better than Hulk. The trees bend down along the stream, Where anchored swings my tiny boat. The day is one to drowse and dream And list the thrush’s throttling note. When music from his bosom bleeds Among the river’s rustling reeds. No ripple stirs…
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RK Galaga
August 14, 2017
Divine Advice
American Pie, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Dennis Rodman, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Kim Jong-un, Lucifer, North Korea, Putin, Stifler, Stifler's Mom
Dear Divine Advice, I woke up this morning covered in my own jizz after having an erotic dream about Hillary Clinton. In the dream, she was pegging me with a strap-on while the ghosts of my dad and that uncle I murdered were watching and throwing popcorn at us. What do you guys think this means? I know Hillary isn’t even the ruler of America, so she’s unworthy of my affections, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Sincerely, Kim Jong-un Dear Kim Jong-un, I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I think you might be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Ask her husband Bill—Hillary bats for the other team. The good news is her daughter Chelsea is straight. Sure, Chelsea’s face looks like it’s made of plastic fruit, but otherwise, she’s the spitting image of her mother. The best part is, she owns a…
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H. Seitz
August 13, 2017
Editorial
climate change, Hulk
A Message to Climate Change Deniers from The Incredible Hulk Scientific evidence convince Hulk man made climate change real. Hulk no expert, but Hulk separate raging emotion from reason long enough to be objective. Consensus among scientists nearly unanimous. Researchers and methodology sound. Good track record of responsible scientific inquiry. And Hulk once ate scientist, can feel him inside now, helping Hulk think. Banner. Name Banner. Climate change issue too complex to change mind of denier. Even argument about pollution too complex. Denier will argue manufacturing solar panels, wind turbines, also pollutes, and this true, but mostly one time pollution, and in long run, much less than always fire of gasoline and coal. But too complex, so Hulk go to most simple reality. Gasoline running out. Soon all gasoline all consumed by fire. So alternative necessary if want to preserve semblance of modern life. Forgive awkward prose, mind of Hulk…
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RK Galaga
August 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, John Travolta, Lucifer
I am very upset and frustrated! For some reason, there have been a lot of rumors circulating around Hollywood that I am gay. I just don’t get it! I’m as Hetero as they come! First, let me say how much I respect ALL people, but especially those who are in the LGBTQ community. In fact, I have a ton of Gay friends, like my dear friend, John Travolta. John and I spend a lot of time together, and while he is definitely gay, I can assure you that I am not. Seriously, though, why are there so many gay rumors about me? Am I being gay when John Travolta and I engage in anal sex? Of course not! That’s just a couple of buddies “horsin around”. Was I being gay the time that I gave John Travolta a blow job and took his balls to my chin so many times…
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H. Seitz
August 6, 2017
Editorial
Anti-vaxxer, Hulk
Hulk share story now. Listen to Hulk. Very sad story. Papa Hulk, he fight from wheelchair. Very awkward. No polio vaccine in days of Papa Hulk. He drown in swimming pool. Polio bad. But before die, Papa Hulk made sure Baby Hulk, me, get vaccine. Before, polio, diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, rampant. Now, no. Hulk apologize for typos and grammar. Hands too big for keyboard and mind consumed by rage. But message still clear. Disease bad, vaccine good.
RK Galaga
July 24, 2017
Divine Advice
Blanche, Chicago Sun, Chicago Tribune, Ebert, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, God, Golden Girls, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jesus, Lord Xenu, Losin' It, Lucifer, Mona, Motion Picture Association of America, MPAA, Sandy Duncan, Scientology, Shelley Long, Siskel, Spielberg, The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, Tom Cruise, Who's The Boss
Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m…
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RK Galaga
July 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Battlefield Earth, Beck, Ernie Reyes Jr., Giovanni Ribisi, Heaven's Gate, Jason Lee, Jesus, John Travolta, Martin Luther, Oprah Winfrey, Satan, Scientology, The Mummy, Tom Cruise, Top Gun 2, Xenu
Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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H. Seitz
July 10, 2017
Divine Advice
climate change, CNN, Donald Trump, Erin Brockovich, global warming, Jesus, Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman, Richard Gere, Satan
Dear Divine Advice, Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever you want to call it (a turd by any other name is still a turd) is obviously a hoax perpetuated by greedy scientists and China to emasculate coal workers and slander oil companies, companies run and staffed by The Great Americans who make modern life possible. You can’t fertilize oats and barley without gasoline, and no oats and barley would mean no beer and no steak. What are you going to feed a cow, solar panels? And what am I supposed to drink, fucking soy milk? This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t even have to ask, but I need you guys to set the record straight for all those anti-American, anti-cow peaceniks out there. Sincerely, Julia Roberts PS: I also hate Mexicans. Dear Julia Roberts, It sounds to me like you’re still bitter about Kiefer Sutherland cheating on you with that…
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H. Seitz
July 3, 2017
Default
Brad Pitt, Ed Norton, Fight Club, Jennifer Aniston, Jesus, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, A few years ago I made a deal with Satan. In exchange for my soul, he agreed to make a double of myself. The idea was that my double would go to work for me, clean my toilet, do my laundry, etc. But my double is maybe even worse than I am, he got fired from my job, he got us dumped by my girlfriend, all he does is drink and smoke, he’s sitting on my couch right now drinking beer, it’s 9 AM. I try to reason with him, but he knows exactly what I’m going to say, he knows all my darkest secrets, he’s basically me. It is unbearable, I already hated myself and now, constantly having to deal with myself, I completely get it, why everyone is so fed up with me, or us. We drink and smoke together, and fight constantly. He doesn’t…
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