Divine Advice for Kim Jong-un

Dear Divine Advice,

I woke up this morning covered in my own jizz after having an erotic dream about Hillary Clinton. In the dream, she was pegging me with a strap-on while the ghosts of my dad and that uncle I murdered were watching and throwing popcorn at us. What do you guys think this means? I know Hillary isn’t even the ruler of America, so she’s unworthy of my affections, but I can’t stop thinking about her.

Kim Jong-un

Dear Kim Jong-un,

I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I think you might be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Ask her husband Bill—Hillary bats for the other team. The good news is her daughter Chelsea is straight. Sure, Chelsea’s face looks like it’s made of plastic fruit, but otherwise, she’s the spitting image of her mother. The best part is, she owns a strap-on and she knows how to use it. Now Chelsea tends to play hard-to-get, so you might have to wine her and dine her for a little while. I suggest inviting her to North Korea and having her watch you play golf. I hear you get a hole-in-one every time, so I’m sure she’ll be really impressed. Wear tight pants, so that when you’re bending over to pick up the ball, you can be sure she’ll be looking at your ass. After eighteen holes of that, she’ll want to tear that ass to shreds. Make sure to take videos so you can blackmail her. She’s married to a douchey hedge fund manager who will pay through the nose to keep this whole thing quiet.

—Jesus the Optimistic

Dear Kim Jong-un,

I don’t think you need to throw in the towel with Hillary just yet. It’s true, she prefers the vag to the cock, but if anyone can change her mind it’s the Supreme Leader of North Korea. I mean, you’re Kim Jong fuckin’ Un, for cryin’ out loud. Didn’t you once beat up a grizzly bear with one hand tied behind your back? Wait, maybe that was Putin—you guys look so much alike, I sometimes get you mixed up. Anyway, people always talk about how chubby you are, but I’ve always though you had really nice skin. And you have that boyish smile, and you look really cool in sunglasses. Also, your cock is so small, Hillary might think it’s a clit, and she loves those things. I say you should come out to LA for a while, hang out with your pal Dennis Rodman and maybe some of his macho swagger will rub off on you. Then call up Hillary and ask her if she wants to grab coffee. Chances are, she won’t have any other plans.

And if you’re looking for another reason to do all this, just think about how much it would piss off Donald Trump if you fucked his archenemy. It’ll be like in that movie American Pie where Stifler hates that one guy and then the guy ends up fucking Stifler’s mom. Now that I think about it, your situation isn’t anything like the Stifler’s mom thing because Hillary Clinton isn’t Donald Trump’s mom. They’re practically the same age. Anyway, I still think you should try to fuck Hillary. Hell, maybe you should try to fuck Donald, too. It certainly would make the news.

—Lucifer the Politician

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

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