H. Seitz
March 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Apocalypse, Indiana Jones, Indy, Jump, Marion Ravenwood, Mastema, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Ready Player One, Steven Spielberg, Van Halen, Yahweh
Dear Yahweh and Mastema, This is already awkward enough for a Jew, coming to you two for help, but I didn’t know where else to turn. I’m getting on in years. Frankly, I don’t even remember how old I am. But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve lived a long, happy, blessed life. Or so I thought. Supposedly I made a robot, a cross-dressing robot, and made it touch little kids? And I filmed it? And this robot, at least in the film, had the power to make children sexually assault each other? What the hell? I look into my heart and it tells me no way, but my damn memory! And the heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe I don’t want to remember. They also said something about zombie frogs and cruelty to animals? Please tell me I didn’t do this. But if I did do it, tell me,…
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W. Domergue
March 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Gisele Bündchen, Jesus, NFL, Paleo Diet, Robert Kraft, Satan, Super Bowl, Tom Brady, Vladimir Putin
Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know what to do. My husband is probably going to get fired from his celebrity sports job and that will mean less spotlight for me. Do you know how many people watch the Super Bowl and Patriot games in general? Well of course you do – it’s a lot! I can’t imagine not being able to showboat on such a large platform. As you know, I gain my powers off feeling smug and superior this will put a major damper on everything I stand for. What else is there for me? I don’t breastfeed my kids anymore so I can’t tell be sanctimonious about that. Brigid Moynahan remarried and is actually happy so I can’t make fun of her and convince her son I’m better than her any longer. Chinbutt Tom won’t be working out as much anymore so I can’t put out ridiculous Paleo…
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W. Domergue
March 13, 2018
Food, Reviews
All-Bran Buds, Kellogg's
“The butt hurt cereal” This is supposed to be an article about my favorite cereal. It’s not. It’s about the funniest thing I ever saw on a cereal box. All Bran Bran Buds used to have this on the top flap (I think) of the box “A lighter, happier feeling is waiting for you inside” because you know, bran makes you poop…A LOT. And frequent, good poops are the new high. I never knew that saying was on there until my sister told me and then I seen it with my own eyes. It made me giggle and from then on I had a new appreciation for Kellogs. The bran buds taste like shit but they shared poop humor with me! But now, a few years later, there’s no more saying on the box. Why?? Did a bunch of tight-assed old ladies complain? Did Sanctimommies get their goddamned hands all…
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H. Seitz
March 11, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic, Christian, Donald Trump, Evangelical, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus, Mel Gibson, Mike Huckabee, Mormon, Pope Francis, Rick Santorum, Roy Moore, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Satan, Stephen Baldwin, Tom Cruise, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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H. Seitz
March 8, 2018
Fiction
I’m not above a pity fuck. If anything, I’m below it. I’ve lied about my mom dying, my dog dying, my cat dying, me dying. I’ve lied about everything. I will literally say anything to get laid. And I’ll actually do some horrible things, too. The way it is, women want it just as bad. We all want it. But most people are unevolved. They need a plausible excuse to put out. Love, a dead cat, a dead dog, whatever. So your job, as a person who wants to get laid, is to expedite it. The most important thing is to never give up. Keep talking. You’ll be amazed at the bullshit that comes out of your mouth. For me, whenever I have a crisis of creativity, I think of the girl in her panties. I imagine her taking off her panties, her upper inner thighs, her bush, and I…
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H. Seitz
March 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Anita Sarkeesian, Anne Hathaway, Atari 2600, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Jesus, Megyn Kelly, Ms. Pac-man, Santa Claus, Satan
Dear DA, Our country is torn apart like never before (except for maybe the Civil War), but our biggest problem by far is sexy female butts in video games. It starts with the video games, but before you know it they’re out on the streets, staring at butts. So many sexy butts in yoga pants and miniskirts, white stockings to the mid thigh, black leather boots just above the knees. They become obsessed with female butts. So much so it becomes the most important thing in their lives. Almost like a crusade. An insane crusade to dominate and constrain the female butt. To tell the female butt where it does and does not belong and how it’s supposed to dress and behave not only in public, but even in the privacy of its own home or bathroom or phone. These butts are unrealistic because they’re too realistic. Most butts don’t…
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H. Seitz
March 2, 2018
Fiction
Bluto is a complete buffoon. Stella knows it, Duane knows it, we all know it. But for some reason, we accept his reign of stupidity anyway. Bluto is a bully. He uses his own urine to fluff up his fur and a mixture of dirt and feces to cover his bald patches. The zookeepers bring us plenty of bananas, dates, water, apples. Everything we could ever need. But Bluto still has to hoard it all and divy it up according to his whimsy like a king. I asked Stella why some of the females still go for Bluto and she told me it’s mainly because they’re idiots, but it’s also instinctive. Bluto is big, strong, and dominating, and he always manages to hoard most of the resources. This makes him an asshole, but it also makes him a good provider. Or at least that’s how the females see it. But…
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H. Seitz
March 1, 2018
Editorial
Hulk always big fan of violence. Still am. Hulk see car, building, spider, people, Hulk smash! People point at car, building, spider, people, and tell Hulk violence bad. At first, Hulk no believe. Violence no smash people, Hulk smash people. They say maybe if Hulk less violent, less smash! Hulk think this ridiculous. Hulk mature enough for unlimited violence. Sure, sometimes smash, but violence 2nd amendment Hulk right. Hulk ancestors always violent. Maybe life different 200 years ago, but not so different. Hulk make sure not so different. But voice in Hulk head start to talk about humans, and Hulk understand analogy. Voice say Americans not mature enough for unlimited firepower, and maybe same true of Hulk. So Hulk finally agree. When smash, no longer include pinkie finger in fist. Voice in Hulk head still mad at Hulk. Hulk still mad at voice. But less mad. If Hulk can change,…
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H. Seitz
February 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, false flag, flat earther, Fox News, inside job, Jesus, mass shooting, Megyn Kelly, Satan, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus (for Jesus only, not Satan!), I’ve been told that I’m like a younger, colder Megyn Kelly, and my boyish first name and build appeal to closeted homosexuals everywhere. This, obviously, makes me perfect for Fox News. Crisis actors are a real thing. The libtard left fakes 9/11, moon landings, and mass shootings in order to never pass gun control legislation anyway. It’s all so obvious. So what I’d like to ask about today are the real victims. The salt of the earth, everyday Americans whose voices are shunned. That’s right, I’m talking about the so-called “conspiracy theorists.” Just because some people have no understanding of grade school science, no evidence to back up their claims, and have lost touch with reality in general, that doesn’t mean that their point of view is any less valid than anyone else’s. This is what America is about. Equality. Is the earth…
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H. Seitz
February 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Chuck Schumer, Donald Trump, Jesus, Lucifer, NASCAR, NRA, Paul Ryan, Satan
Dear Jesus Christ and Satan, Why can’t people understand that there’s never a good time to do anything? I wear red baseball caps and workout and eat lots of cheese just like a regular American, so why is everybody so mad at me? When you react to something right after it happens, that is, technically, a knee-jerk reaction, even if that something has already happened a lot of times frequently. So you wait to react and then something else happens and we forget all about the other thing until it happens again and, well, you can’t make a knee-jerk reaction to that, either, right? It’s wrong to politicize tragedy. But in a democratic republic, you have to politicize things in order to affect change, so surely you can see my dilemma? The only thing I can really do is nothing. And we should wait until all the facts are in.…
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