Divine Advice For Anita Sarkeesian

Dear DA,

Our country is torn apart like never before (except for maybe the Civil War), but our biggest problem by far is sexy female butts in video games.

It starts with the video games, but before you know it they’re out on the streets, staring at butts. So many sexy butts in yoga pants and miniskirts, white stockings to the mid thigh, black leather boots just above the knees.

They become obsessed with female butts. So much so it becomes the most important thing in their lives. Almost like a crusade. An insane crusade to dominate and constrain the female butt. To tell the female butt where it does and does not belong and how it’s supposed to dress and behave not only in public, but even in the privacy of its own home or bathroom or phone.

These butts are unrealistic because they’re too realistic. Most butts don’t squat and thrust and quiver that way, rippling with vitality with every bound. And the bared midriffs, I guess a few real women have abs like that, but not nearly enough.

What is it about the butt? Why did you make it so sexy? It’s like staring into a kaleidoscope of butts.

Isn’t it a sacrilege to put butts in video games? Like trying to draw a picture of Allah?

Anita Sarkeesian

PS: Which female celebrity do you think has the nicest butt? This is purely for research purposes I assure you.

Dear Anita Sarkeesian,

I’m going to be honest—I had to Google you. I know I’m supposed to know every human being in the world, but these days there’s just too damn many of you. Santa Claus and I were just talking about this the other day, actually. Anyway, after briefly skimming your Wikipedia page (and by that, I mean I read the introduction and glanced at the contents list) I see that you’re some kind of feminist or something and you have this thing about video games. For the most part, I’m with you. I mean, is Ms. Pac-man even wearing pants? And the fact that she has that bow on her head almost makes it worse. Back in the 80’s, when porn was less accessible, all teens had were Ms. Pac-man and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. And since arcades frowned upon boys jerking off in their facilities, a majority of Ms. Pac-man-inspired masturbation was done to the Atari 2600 version. And while you gotta give 80’s kids props for their imaginations, masturbation is masturbation. I’ve recently softened on this issue, but in those days it still made me cry to see it. It was especially upsetting that this new emerging culture based on technology was having so much influence on young minds. People had just settled into scapegoating Hollywood for the behavior of their deviant children and now suddenly there were these risqué video games. And of course, they’ve only gotten worse over the years.

So what’s the solution? I guess blogging and Kickstarter campaigns. Those are the things you’re already doing right? I guess what I’m saying is, you seem to have it under control, and so I’m going to let you run with it. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that these days I’m a little too busy to micromanage every social issue on Earth. I mean, women can vote now, right? And you all recently brought down a bunch of powerful sexual predators, and there’s still some momentum with that movement.

Still, I suppose I should support you in some way…How about this—the next time you have a march, I promise to join you. I’ll be in drag, so you may not recognize me, but I’ll be there.

—Jesus the Helpful

Dear Anita,

I didn’t know who you were either, so I Googled “Anita Sarkeesian naked.” There are some surprisingly good fake nudes of you. Not all of them are good, of course, but there were some pretty strong efforts made. A few of them matched your head nicely to porn star bodies with shadows that more or less lined up correctly, and they didn’t overdo it with the tits. I think I’m going to start watching you shower. Don’t worry—you’ll never know I’m there.

As for which celebrity has the nicest ass, to be honest, I’m more of a tits guy. I mean, the ass is where the poop comes out, while the tits are where the milk comes out. Which would you rather drink? Now, just because I say I like tits, that doesn’t mean I always need them to be huge. Nice tits come in all sizes. And just because I’m more of a tits guy, that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a nifty keister now and again. To answer your question, I would say Anne Hathaway and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson have the best asses in Hollywood. Actually Megyn Kelly has the best ass I’ve ever seen, but I’m not sure she counts as a celebrity.

—Satan the Voyeur

Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.

H. Seitz
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