H. Seitz
March 23, 2020
Divine Advice
Adam Silver, Charles Barkley, Jesus, Lebron, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, NBA, Rudy Gobert, Satan, Shaq, Tom Hanks
Dear DA, I’m filled with both pride and horror that the NBA is apparently more powerful than the mainstream media, the CDC, and state and local governments. A doctor in Seattle starts barking about this virus in January, and nothing. Crickets. Rudy Gobert goes down, and suddenly shit gets real, especially after I suspended the season. Trump supporters can ignore or deny a lot of reality, and Americans are used to America responding to outbreaks responsibly, so they just kind of take it for granted that either America is doing what it’s supposed to or it isn’t that bad. Until the NBA gets suspended, because when the hell has that ever happened? I can’t remember it ever happening before, can you? (Seriously, I can’t). So that must mean the virus isn’t a hoax, because the NBA, well, I’m familiar with it. So it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper. It…
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H. Seitz
March 20, 2020
Fiction
sex bot, sex robot
Jim had been saving up for years, and he finally had enough for the sex robot of his dreams. Six feet tall, blond, Quad AI processing, the strength of three men. In the long run, the thing would pay for itself. It would do his laundry, install the air conditioner for him, clean behind the refrigerator, and fulfill all of his shameful, disgusting fantasies. He went online to place the order and there was a problem. Out of stock? Basic models only? Every time he clicked, he got a different error message, so he finally decided to call. After three hours on hold, he chose the option to be called back. Two days later, Jim awoke to his phone buzzing and scrambled out of bed. If he missed this call, they might never call him again, and where did he leave his phone? He saw movement on top of his…
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H. Seitz
March 16, 2020
Divine Advice
Jesus, Kid Rock, Satan, Tay Tay, Taylor Swift, Trump
Dear DA, I’ve had a good run for a musician, and I am a musician. And since my recent thickening, I’m one of the most fuckable women on earth. But I can’t help thinking timing has something to do with it. Every week since I’ve been born, and especially since I’ve been famous, something unbelievably awful happens. I got my first handjob on 9/11. My first demo, 1000 people died in Yemen. But to be fair, that happens, like, every week? Stock market crash 2008, my first period. Trump elected, my first strap-on. Coronavirus, my first kiss. I know that seems maybe out of order, but the South is different. So for the average millennial, all straight men, and 90% of women, it’s either look at the most recent weekly horror or look at Taylor Swift. I’m Taylor Swift, and I, like most even remotely self-aware people, hate myself, but…
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RK Galaga
March 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Anderson Cooper, Andrew Yang, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Democratic National Committee, DNC, Donald Trump, Fox News, Hillary Clinton, International Women's Day, Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Melania Trump, Satan, Trumpers, Tulsi Gabbard, UBI, universal basic income
Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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H. Seitz
March 2, 2020
Divine Advice
Amy Schumer, Anna Kendrick, Jesus, Kristen Stewart, Richard Gere, Satan, Twilight
Dear DA, You can tell by my sharp weaselly little face that I’m a crazy bitch, which makes me great in the sack but a nightmare to deal with. I expect perfection. Nothing but the best for me. And why won’t the dentist just let me use the children’s size x-rays? It makes absolutely no sense. It’s not like it makes him a pedophile or anything. Because of my diminutive size (which I hate other people pointing out btw), I’m forced/blessed to wear a lot of children’s clothing. Children’s shoes have really come a long way, as has their underwear. You’d think it might freak a guy out but nothing freaks those perverts out. As long as I keep putting out I can be a completely crazy bitch almost 24/7. All I need to do is tell them “I know I’m crazy, but I just can’t control myself.” I say…
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H. Seitz
February 24, 2020
Divine Advice
Elizabeth Warren, Jesus, Mike Bloomberg, The Devil
I should have doubled down on stop and frisk. New York City’s default state = crime-ridden shithole. And we all know it. And the hood is called the hood because it’s dangerous. That’s where 95% of the crime was/is happening, so that’s where I sent the cops to stop and frisk people. You want guns off the street, you have to go where people are shooting each other, and you can’t afford to be racist or politically correct about it. What was I supposed to do? Stop and frisk people on Central Park West? I hate to play this card, but I’m going to go ahead because it’s relevant. After 9/11, we sent cops everywhere, to slums and ghettos that hadn’t seen a cop in years. And the people, mainly single mothers on their way to work, yelled at the cops “Where have you been? It shouldn’t take something like…
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H. Seitz
February 17, 2020
Divine Advice
Jesus, Natalie Portman, Rose McGowan, Satan, Scary Movie
Dear DA, Sigh. Okay. Here we go. I was criticized by Rose McGowan for wearing a cape with ladies’ names on it while, according to her, not working with enough ladies. The cape itself costs over $15,000.00, or a few grand over the US poverty line, but don’t worry, I didn’t have to pay for it. When you’re a millionaire like me or Rose McGowan used to be, people just give you shit like fancy capes for free. Thinking about her criticism, I realized it’s technically true, I don’t give a shit, and look at fucking Rose McGowan! How is she an advertisement for working with anyone even remotely like her? Obviously just having a vagina is enough to make you a raging bald-headed harpy who is offended at everything. You don’t do anything and you’re an asshole, you try to do something and it isn’t enough, you try to…
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H. Seitz
February 10, 2020
Divine Advice
AOC, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Jesus, Liquid Plumber, Mitt Romney, Mormon, Prince, Satan, Scientology, The Squad, Tom Cruise, Tropic Thunder
Dear DA, Maybe you pulled some kind of double-reverse Pinnochio on me, but for the last week or so, I’ve been compelled to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and voting to impeach that knock-kneed babushka was just the beginning. Some people are suddenly under the impression that I’m a “good person,” and that’s just not true. This is hardly surprising to my “friends” and “family,” they’ve known for decades that I’m as rapacious and bloodthirsty as the terrifying bird who symbolizes this once great country. What disappoints them is that I’m just as wooden and dull as I’ve always appeared to be. There is no great intellect or perversion lurking within unless you count my sexual incontinence. I must be the only person in America who isn’t a pervert. I was about to write “man,” but my newfound honesty compels me to acknowledge that…
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H. Seitz
February 3, 2020
Divine Advice
Comic Book Guy, Harvey Weinstein, Rose McGowan, Salma Hayek, Simpsons, Snoopy, Terry Crews
Dear DA, I’m nearly 70 and look about 100, like a half-inflated Snoopy balloon. Have you seen me shuffling in and out of court all hunched down and broken over my walker? I can’t even lift one entire foot off the ground anymore. This ordeal has taken a toll on me. At first, I was faking the shuffling and drooling, but I’ve got to tell you, the collective wrath of a small portion of people on Twitter and Facebook is really demoralizing, even for a self-centered bastard like me. The thing is, we’re all self-centered bastards, including all the chicks I banged. They wanted to be stars and were willing to go through me to make their Hollywood dreams come true, quid pro quo. I won’t live to see any of the legal ramifications of my actions, and looking back on this sordid adventure, it was worth it. At first,…
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H. Seitz
January 29, 2020
Fiction
Crime
Whenever someone asks about crime I tell them it’s a lot more difficult nowadays because all of the phones, cameras and GPS, and all of the other new forms of technology. But looking at the way I actually live, this can’t possibly be true. My life is basically a long string of crimes from ten or eleven to now. Perhaps it’s generational or locational, but the general consensus of just about everyone I know around my age is that you’d be stupid not to steal anything you could. Maybe I stopped thinking of most of these activities as crimes because they seemed so natural. Of course you should steal tapes or CDs or torrent movies and software if you could get away with it. I got caught shoplifting once or twice, and it cost me (actually my parents) maybe $500.00, compared with the thousands of dollars of cigarettes, video games,…
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