Movies and Television
The Skull Island Times > Reviews > Movies and Television
Ryan Klemek
December 3, 2021
Movies and Television, Reviews
Anthony Hopkins, Apocalypse Now, Bram Stoker's Dracula, C. Thomas Howell, Cam Neely, Cary Elwes, Ed Jackson, Emilio Estevez, Farrelly brothers, Francis Ford Coppola, Gary Oldman, Goodfellas, Heart of Darkness, Keanu Reeves, Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, The Expendables, The Matrix, The Outsiders, Theodore “Ted” Logan the third, Tom Cruise, Tom Waits, Winona Ryder
Francis Ford Coppola is an overrated hack. There, I said it. His only entertaining movie is one that most people hate: Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Cary Elwes, and Tom Waits. It’s melodramatic, over-the-top, pure campy fun, and it’s completely out of character for the usually dull, pretentious FFC. But what about The Godfather? The fact that so many people say it’s their favorite movie is the most compelling piece of evidence that we’re all living in some fucked-up simulation. The one time I tried to watch this piece of garbage, I found myself staring at a vase on the shelf next to the TV because what was on the screen couldn’t keep my attention. It was a pretty handsome vase, but there weren’t even any flowers in it. Also, my neck got really sore because I kept falling asleep and my head…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2020
Movies and Television, Reviews
Chris Rock, Ghostbusters, Golden Globe, Judd Nelson, New Jack City, Pookie, Spike Lee, The Crying Game
New Jack CIty – Rated R Could this story have been told linearly? Yes (it probably would’ve been less confusing). Could it have been told today? Absolutely not. A movie about an evil black man taking advantage of his own people just wouldn’t fly in our more enlightened age. But to be fair, it’s easier to take advantage of your own people. You probably live closer to them. The slave trade, as profitable as it was, was a horrible commute for most of the Caucasians involved. There are a lot of mysteries in New Jack City. Is Gee Money’s girlfriend a trannie? I really expected this to be a “surprise” twist until it wasn’t. I’d go as far as to call New Jack City The Crying Game 1.0, but for whatever reason, the powers that be decided against it. Maybe they figured (incorrectly) that they had no shot at an…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2019
Movies and Television, Reviews
Captain Marvel, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Gang Bang, Hobbs and Shaw, Jason Statham, The Fast and the Furious, The Rodeo Clown, Titty
Hobbs and Shaw is the gay action-adventure rom-com the entire world has been waiting for, and it comes up big time (pun intended). For everyone wondering what went wrong with Captain Marvel and Titty Titty Gang Bang, pay attention. We’ve all been “woke” for at least five or six years now, and even most of the non-woke community (a minority we should be allies to, btw) couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with who as long as all of the participants are consenting adults. We no longer need the communist ethnostate ideology rammed down our throats. What we do need rammed down our throats is a little physics-defying stunt the fringe gay community refers to as The Rodeo Clown, and not only do the leads pull it off like seasoned pornographers, it happens organically. It isn’t in your face until it is, and by then, you want it to be. …
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H. Seitz
September 27, 2018
Movies and Television
Avengers: Infinity War
Avengers: Infinity War PG I don’t watch movies until I can borrow them from the library for free because I equate this with being good for the environment and I self-identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment. Whether or not this is actually good for the environment is neither here nor there. If we’ve learned anything over the last decade, it’s that objective reality does not matter. Nobody knows and nobody wants to know because it’s too depressing. And why bother when subjective reality is more important anyway? If I identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment, that’s who I am, no matter how much garbage I dump into the ocean. Infinity War serves as parable of this modern day lack of conflict. You are what you say you are, reality be damned. And your solutions have no negative consequences regardless of…
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H. Seitz
August 7, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Death Star, Disney, Ewoks, Lando Calrissian, Lucasfilms, Man of Steel, Return of the Jedi, Star Wars, Starkiller, Superman, The Force Awakens
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Rated PG Return of the Jedi is a symbolic exploration of the difficulties involved in expediting the elusive female orgasm. This theme has been taken up by more recent films such as Man of Steel and Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and was touched upon by the original Star Wars film released in 1977, but nowhere is it as explicit as in Return of The Jedi. The Death Star, like the Empire, is barren and sterile. All is male, grey, and English. Cloaked within this cynicism is the somehow subtle manifestation of death as a feminine sphere, hinting that within death lays the potential for new life. This is most obviously, and prudishly, illustrated by The Force Awakens, in which the destruction of Starkiller Base (aka The Death Star 2.0) culminates with its rebirth as a star. Likewise in Man of Steel, when the…
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H. Seitz
July 31, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Bobcat Goldthwait, Kim Cattrall, Michael Winslow, Police Academy, Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country, Steve Guttenberg
Police Academy Rated R Police Academy is “problematic” because in the 80s, people weren’t as culturally woke as we are today. One almost gets the feeling that it was meant to be crude and offensive. We start with the destruction of a photomat. For you millennials who don’t know what a photomat is, it’s a place we used to have to go to pick up our selfies. In the 80s, cameras weren’t just an app, they were an actual device, and they used “film.” After exposing the “film” to light, it would capture images. We would take this “film” to the photomat, and they would turn it into selfies. In a way, this scene foreshadows the destruction of old institutions as society progresses. Like most of our detritus, the remains of the photomat are dumped into the ocean, signaling our continuing scorn for the environment. The archetypes are simplistic and…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Empty Nest, Gone Girl, Kristy McNichol, Paul Winfield, White Dog
White Dog Rated PG ********SPOILERS AHEAD******** Originally released in 1982 but suppressed in America over concerns it was racist, White Dog, like Gone Girl, is basically a Lifetime movie come to the big screen. It started to gain a cult following in the early 2000s after insomniacs who saw it on TV at 3:00 a.m. just had to tell their friends about it. Most of them swore they’d seen it on Lifetime, some even thought it was a Lifetime movie. Eventually, White Dog was reinterpreted as “misunderstood,” rather than “campy” or “insane,” and released as a Criterion Collection DVD in 2008. White Dog is about a racist white German shepherd who attacks black people. These attacks are as brutal as they are hilarious, and they are brutally hilarious. Laughing will make you feel like a racist, but you won’t be able to help laughing. Kristy McNichol (Empty Nest) plays an…
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H. Seitz
July 17, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Alyssa Milano, Charmed, Chewbacca, Clash of the Titans, Ivan Drago, Rocky Balboa, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Stygian witches, Thanos
Charmed 2018 TV-MA Imagine the original Charmed minus the hot women and exposed midriffs and voila: you have Charmed, a reboot so uninspired it doesn’t even have a colon followed by a description like Charmed: We’re Out of Ideas or Charmed: That Show Your Ex-Girlfriend Used to Make You Watch. They made one of the witches a lesbian activist this time because nowadays, everyone is a lesbian. Thanos is a lesbian, Chewbacca is a lesbian, even Rocky Balboa is somehow a lesbian (Ivan Drago was always a lesbian). If you don’t have bare midriffs or Alyssa Milano, you have to have lesbians so they can make out with each other. And in 2018, forcing young girls to make out on camera is considered to be empoweringly titillating, rather than exploitative. Watching Charmed, I became nostalgic for the blind Stygian witches in Clash of the Titans and the three batty witches…
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H. Seitz
July 12, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Blossom, Jim Parsons, Kaley Cuoco, Star Wars, The Big Bang Theory
The Big Bang Theory Rated TV-MA Full disclosure: I’ve never actually seen The Big Bang Theory, but I already know that I hate it. How do I know? To start, the commercials do an excellent job of showing the viewer exactly what to expect, which is crap. Pure, unmitigated crap. This show has a laugh track. I’ll bet that when people kiss, the laugh track goes “ooooooo!” The TV-MA rating is another dead giveaway. Kaley Cuoco and the other blond chick aren’t getting naked and making out with a TV-MA, which leaves hetero males and lesbians exactly zero reasons to watch. Lastly, the people who actually like this show are reprehensible. No offense, but you’re honestly some of the worst people on earth. You’re the reason suicide bombers want to blow us up. How you can willingly choose to watch this crap episode after episode, year after year, when a…
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H. Seitz
July 10, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Bones, Charmed, David Boreanaz, Emily Deschanel, The Closer, TNT, Zooey Deschanel
Bones TV-MA Bones is the kind of show you leave on in the background while vacuuming. It will live on in syndication forever because housewives and the unemployed need something to distract themselves from the sad state of affairs they call existence. Instead of getting drunk or looking for a job, they can just turn on TNT and phase out until suppertime. And then get drunk. I made it through season one of Bones and I still have no idea what it’s about. Like Charmed, The Closer, and most TNT fare, Bones is hypnotic in its banality. Even when they’re doing something that should be interesting, like discovering a corpse or chasing down a bad guy, it’s bland. I keep expecting one of them to ask me to switch to Splenda or try H&R Block’s accounting software. David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel have all the chemistry of an ant…
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