Ryan Klemek
February 27, 2022
Reviews
Let me cut to the chase: It’s a stupid game and I hate it. It’s a recipe for a sprained ankle or stomped fingers, and it’s not great for your knees and hips. Especially when you get older. OK, maybe I came on a little strong back there. The truth is I was never any good at Duck Duck Goose. As a kid, I was chubby and slow and really stiff. It hurt my legs just to be sitting cross-legged for so long. And I would get so anxious as that person was circling like a shark, ready to pat my head because they knew I was the easiest target. On more than one occasion, I got so nervous that I shat my pants. That being said, I had a lot of admiration for the kids who excelled at the game. They were my heroes. The DDG GOAT There was…
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Ryan Klemek
January 21, 2022
Food, Reviews
I know what some of you are thinking: “Pancakes are fine, but they suck compared to French toast and waffles.” Well, just chill the fuck out, ok? I’ll be talking about all three of these amazing foods because they’re all fucking awesome. Hellboy When the superhero spawn of Satan first came to Earth, he was given pancakes, and it quickly became his favorite food. He eats them by the truckload, and if they’re good enough for Hellboy, then they’re good enough for you. Rise Above the Competition The fact is, 90% of the pancakes out there are total garbage. They’re either too dry, too spongy, or too mushy. If someone’s idea of pancakes is those nasty yellow discs they serve at McDonald’s, then, yeah, of course, they’re going to hate pancakes. Even the ones at IHOP are disappointing, and that’s supposed to be their specialty. I guess there’s a reason nobody calls…
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Ryan Klemek
January 14, 2022
Editorial, Music
Ace of Base, Alternative Polka, B-52's, Bad Hair Day, Beyonce, Brad Roberts, Closer, Craig's List, Crash Test Dummies, Danny Elfman, Dare to be Stupid, Devo, Dweezil Zappa, Even Worse, Frank Zappa, Fugazi, Genius in France, Hamilton, Headline News, Jimmy Fallon, John Cougar Mellencamp, Like a Surgeon, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Literally! With Rob Lowe, Madonna, Mr. Popeil, Nightbreed, Nine Inch Nails, Oingo Boingo, Prince, Rite of Spring, Talk Heads, Taylor Swift, The Beatles, The Doors, The Monkees, The Rolling Stones, Wanna Be Yur Lovr, Weird Al Yankovic, You Make Me
Portraits of Weird Al and Danny Elfman, done by the author
On the podcast Literally! With Rob Lowe, Rob often asks his guests if they prefer the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. If anyone were to ask me, I’d say the Monkees. It’s not that I think the Beatles or the Stones are bad, it’s just that I don’t see how they’re better than any other bands. The Monkees didn’t play their own instruments, but at least they had a funny TV show. I saw them live, actually. In Latham, New York, back in 1986. Really, though, I was there to see their opening act: Weird Al Yankovic. Al ran out onto the stage wearing surgical scrubs to perform “Like a Surgeon”, then later in the set, he and his band donned those silly red Devo hats when they did “Dare to be Stupid.” I was only 11 years old at the time, but it was an amazing show. I’ve seen…
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Ryan Klemek
January 7, 2022
Food
As batshit crazy as this might sound, I didn’t always love ice cream. It’s not that I disliked it, it’s just that I didn’t give much of a shit about it. I was always more of a cookie/brownie/ guy. Then one day, I realized cookies and brownies are way better if you throw some ice cream on top, and my whole life changed forever. Now, I eat cookie/brownie sundaes 4-5 times a week, which is probably a little too much fat and sugar for a 46-year-old man to be eating. But you only live once, right? Truth be told, I’m a bit of an ice cream snob. I steer clear of the processed shit like Turkey Hill, Hood, and the generic store brands, though I could be persuaded to eat Breyer’s. Baskin-Robbins sucks ass. Ben & Jerry’s is ok, but I prefer local ice cream shops to any of the…
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Ryan Klemek
December 3, 2021
Movies and Television, Reviews
Anthony Hopkins, Apocalypse Now, Bram Stoker's Dracula, C. Thomas Howell, Cam Neely, Cary Elwes, Ed Jackson, Emilio Estevez, Farrelly brothers, Francis Ford Coppola, Gary Oldman, Goodfellas, Heart of Darkness, Keanu Reeves, Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, The Expendables, The Matrix, The Outsiders, Theodore “Ted” Logan the third, Tom Cruise, Tom Waits, Winona Ryder
Francis Ford Coppola is an overrated hack. There, I said it. His only entertaining movie is one that most people hate: Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Cary Elwes, and Tom Waits. It’s melodramatic, over-the-top, pure campy fun, and it’s completely out of character for the usually dull, pretentious FFC. But what about The Godfather? The fact that so many people say it’s their favorite movie is the most compelling piece of evidence that we’re all living in some fucked-up simulation. The one time I tried to watch this piece of garbage, I found myself staring at a vase on the shelf next to the TV because what was on the screen couldn’t keep my attention. It was a pretty handsome vase, but there weren’t even any flowers in it. Also, my neck got really sore because I kept falling asleep and my head…
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Ryan Klemek
November 26, 2021
Music, Reviews
Andris Nelsons, Berliner Philharmoniker, Boston Symphony Orchestra, BSO, Chicago Symphony Orchestra, CSO, Dmitri Shostakovich, George Lucas, Gustav Holst, Mars the Bringer of War, Oleg Caetani, Orchestra Sinfonica di Milano Giuseppe Verdi, Star Wars, The Planets, Wiener Philharmoniker
The first time I heard Dmitri Shostakovich’s 11th Symphony, I was training for a marathon. I had just finished a 22.3-mile run—my last long one before the race—and was chugging a kale banana walnut hemp seed Greek yogurt orange juice smoothie while skipping around on Spotify. When I found that thunderous section of wild percussion and howling brass in the second movement, I got so fucking high that I started crying like a baby elephant. Endorphins + exciting music = quite a bonkers trip. Film Music Snobby critics often shit on Shostakovich 11 because they think it sounds too much like film music. By this, I assume they mean it’s too melodramatic, too loud, and overly sentimental. Anyone who thinks that is an idiot deserving of a swift kick in the taint, which I will gladly deliver while forcing them to listen to this recording. Is this music dramatic, loud,…
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Ryan Klemek
November 19, 2021
Food, Reviews
Apple, Benjamin Franklin, Dracula, Johnny Appleseed, Sir Isaac Newton
As garlic wards off vampires, so is the effect of apples on doctors. At least that is the lesson taught to us as children. Is there any truth to it? None of the doctors I spoke to would give me a straight answer. Apples: the Wonderfruit Legend has it that an apple helped Sir Isaac Newton invent gravity when it leapt from an overhanging tree branch and struck him in the noggin to jumpstart his imagination. If not for that crisp little ball of sugar, we would all be floating around in space. Not many other fruits have made such important contributions to science. Where were pears when Einstein was developing the A-bomb? Why was it a key and not a banana that Benjamin Franklin tied to his kite when he was inventing electricity? In all fairness, it is not the job of fruit to further technological progress, which is…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2020
Movies and Television, Reviews
Chris Rock, Ghostbusters, Golden Globe, Judd Nelson, New Jack City, Pookie, Spike Lee, The Crying Game
New Jack CIty – Rated R Could this story have been told linearly? Yes (it probably would’ve been less confusing). Could it have been told today? Absolutely not. A movie about an evil black man taking advantage of his own people just wouldn’t fly in our more enlightened age. But to be fair, it’s easier to take advantage of your own people. You probably live closer to them. The slave trade, as profitable as it was, was a horrible commute for most of the Caucasians involved. There are a lot of mysteries in New Jack City. Is Gee Money’s girlfriend a trannie? I really expected this to be a “surprise” twist until it wasn’t. I’d go as far as to call New Jack City The Crying Game 1.0, but for whatever reason, the powers that be decided against it. Maybe they figured (incorrectly) that they had no shot at an…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2019
Movies and Television, Reviews
Captain Marvel, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Gang Bang, Hobbs and Shaw, Jason Statham, The Fast and the Furious, The Rodeo Clown, Titty
Hobbs and Shaw is the gay action-adventure rom-com the entire world has been waiting for, and it comes up big time (pun intended). For everyone wondering what went wrong with Captain Marvel and Titty Titty Gang Bang, pay attention. We’ve all been “woke” for at least five or six years now, and even most of the non-woke community (a minority we should be allies to, btw) couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with who as long as all of the participants are consenting adults. We no longer need the communist ethnostate ideology rammed down our throats. What we do need rammed down our throats is a little physics-defying stunt the fringe gay community refers to as The Rodeo Clown, and not only do the leads pull it off like seasoned pornographers, it happens organically. It isn’t in your face until it is, and by then, you want it to be. …
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H. Seitz
September 27, 2018
Movies and Television
Avengers: Infinity War
Avengers: Infinity War PG I don’t watch movies until I can borrow them from the library for free because I equate this with being good for the environment and I self-identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment. Whether or not this is actually good for the environment is neither here nor there. If we’ve learned anything over the last decade, it’s that objective reality does not matter. Nobody knows and nobody wants to know because it’s too depressing. And why bother when subjective reality is more important anyway? If I identify as a person who gives a shit about the environment, that’s who I am, no matter how much garbage I dump into the ocean. Infinity War serves as parable of this modern day lack of conflict. You are what you say you are, reality be damned. And your solutions have no negative consequences regardless of…
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