Author Archive: Ryan Klemek
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: Ryan Klemek
Ryan Klemek
May 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Ben Affleck, Boondock Saints, Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant, J-Lo, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Minnie Driver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Williams, Satan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Trivia Pursuit
Dear Divine Advice, Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que– Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que– Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it? Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do? At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. I let Ben…
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Ryan Klemek
April 7, 2022
Divine Advice
Bill O'Reilly, Cary Grant, Ellen DeGeneres, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Jesus, Joe Biden, Putin, Satan, Scott Baio, Sean Hannity, Sean Penn, Steve Doocy, Zelenskyy
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m extremely confused. The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t get the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a nightly basis. I know I’m supposed to hate him—I mean I do hate him, but… You could never know how truly handsome he is until you’re sitting directly across from him. If I’m being honest, I always thought he had this Cary Grant thing going on, but the small screen doesn’t do him justice. In person, this man truly smolders. As we talked about Zelenskyy and Putin and the Russian invasion, I noticed a half chub forming in my pants, but at the time I thought I was just nervous. The truth of the matter is I was falling…
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Ryan Klemek
February 27, 2022
Reviews
Let me cut to the chase: It’s a stupid game and I hate it. It’s a recipe for a sprained ankle or stomped fingers, and it’s not great for your knees and hips. Especially when you get older. OK, maybe I came on a little strong back there. The truth is I was never any good at Duck Duck Goose. As a kid, I was chubby and slow and really stiff. It hurt my legs just to be sitting cross-legged for so long. And I would get so anxious as that person was circling like a shark, ready to pat my head because they knew I was the easiest target. On more than one occasion, I got so nervous that I shat my pants. That being said, I had a lot of admiration for the kids who excelled at the game. They were my heroes. The DDG GOAT There was…
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Ryan Klemek
January 21, 2022
Food, Reviews
I know what some of you are thinking: “Pancakes are fine, but they suck compared to French toast and waffles.” Well, just chill the fuck out, ok? I’ll be talking about all three of these amazing foods because they’re all fucking awesome. Hellboy When the superhero spawn of Satan first came to Earth, he was given pancakes, and it quickly became his favorite food. He eats them by the truckload, and if they’re good enough for Hellboy, then they’re good enough for you. Rise Above the Competition The fact is, 90% of the pancakes out there are total garbage. They’re either too dry, too spongy, or too mushy. If someone’s idea of pancakes is those nasty yellow discs they serve at McDonald’s, then, yeah, of course, they’re going to hate pancakes. Even the ones at IHOP are disappointing, and that’s supposed to be their specialty. I guess there’s a reason nobody calls…
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Ryan Klemek
January 14, 2022
Editorial, Music
Ace of Base, Alternative Polka, B-52's, Bad Hair Day, Beyonce, Brad Roberts, Closer, Craig's List, Crash Test Dummies, Danny Elfman, Dare to be Stupid, Devo, Dweezil Zappa, Even Worse, Frank Zappa, Fugazi, Genius in France, Hamilton, Headline News, Jimmy Fallon, John Cougar Mellencamp, Like a Surgeon, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Literally! With Rob Lowe, Madonna, Mr. Popeil, Nightbreed, Nine Inch Nails, Oingo Boingo, Prince, Rite of Spring, Talk Heads, Taylor Swift, The Beatles, The Doors, The Monkees, The Rolling Stones, Wanna Be Yur Lovr, Weird Al Yankovic, You Make Me
Portraits of Weird Al and Danny Elfman, done by the author
On the podcast Literally! With Rob Lowe, Rob often asks his guests if they prefer the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. If anyone were to ask me, I’d say the Monkees. It’s not that I think the Beatles or the Stones are bad, it’s just that I don’t see how they’re better than any other bands. The Monkees didn’t play their own instruments, but at least they had a funny TV show. I saw them live, actually. In Latham, New York, back in 1986. Really, though, I was there to see their opening act: Weird Al Yankovic. Al ran out onto the stage wearing surgical scrubs to perform “Like a Surgeon”, then later in the set, he and his band donned those silly red Devo hats when they did “Dare to be Stupid.” I was only 11 years old at the time, but it was an amazing show. I’ve seen…
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Ryan Klemek
January 7, 2022
Food
As batshit crazy as this might sound, I didn’t always love ice cream. It’s not that I disliked it, it’s just that I didn’t give much of a shit about it. I was always more of a cookie/brownie/ guy. Then one day, I realized cookies and brownies are way better if you throw some ice cream on top, and my whole life changed forever. Now, I eat cookie/brownie sundaes 4-5 times a week, which is probably a little too much fat and sugar for a 46-year-old man to be eating. But you only live once, right? Truth be told, I’m a bit of an ice cream snob. I steer clear of the processed shit like Turkey Hill, Hood, and the generic store brands, though I could be persuaded to eat Breyer’s. Baskin-Robbins sucks ass. Ben & Jerry’s is ok, but I prefer local ice cream shops to any of the…
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Ryan Klemek
January 1, 2022
Divine Advice
Beyoncem Amazon, Jesus, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, Time has officially become a blur. Stress is aging people quickly, but nothing else is changing. There’s still a killer virus on the loose, people are still forced to wear masks, schools are still closing down regularly, and it’s still terrifying to go to the store or eat in restaurants. Oh, and the Earth is still on fire—probably more on fire than it’s ever been. Like my father before me, and his father before him, I am inheriting a shit storm that is beyond my ability to fix. The difference this time is, unlike my father and his father, I already don’t give a fuck. They at least tried to fix things, and when they couldn’t do anything, they had enough compassion to be sad and worried about it. I look at all these greedy, selfish people hoping that their problems will just magically go away…
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Ryan Klemek
December 13, 2021
Divine Advice
Alanis Morissette, Billie Eilish, Chuck Tingle, Dave Coulier, Mary Magdalene, R.K. Galaga, Taylor Swift
Dear DA, I’m the hottest woman on earth. Everything wants to fuck me, men, straight women, animals. But once I hook up, I get dumped, so what the fuck’s up? I went camping and woke up to a bear humping my leg. At first, I tried to shoo him away, but he was very sweet. His name was something like “ARGHH!” or some roaring sound, but I understood him, so I gave him the ride of his life, and don’t pretend you aren’t jealous. Anyway, I wake up the next morning, and he’s gone. I’m already writing a song about him called “Who’s the Beast Now You Stupid Fucking Bear?” I know that technically he’s a beast, but it’s irony. Is something wrong with me? Is it the banjo? Should I stop playing the banjo? I know people hate it, but it’s a big ask from my perspective, and I’m…
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Ryan Klemek
December 3, 2021
Movies and Television, Reviews
Anthony Hopkins, Apocalypse Now, Bram Stoker's Dracula, C. Thomas Howell, Cam Neely, Cary Elwes, Ed Jackson, Emilio Estevez, Farrelly brothers, Francis Ford Coppola, Gary Oldman, Goodfellas, Heart of Darkness, Keanu Reeves, Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, The Expendables, The Matrix, The Outsiders, Theodore “Ted” Logan the third, Tom Cruise, Tom Waits, Winona Ryder
Francis Ford Coppola is an overrated hack. There, I said it. His only entertaining movie is one that most people hate: Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Cary Elwes, and Tom Waits. It’s melodramatic, over-the-top, pure campy fun, and it’s completely out of character for the usually dull, pretentious FFC. But what about The Godfather? The fact that so many people say it’s their favorite movie is the most compelling piece of evidence that we’re all living in some fucked-up simulation. The one time I tried to watch this piece of garbage, I found myself staring at a vase on the shelf next to the TV because what was on the screen couldn’t keep my attention. It was a pretty handsome vase, but there weren’t even any flowers in it. Also, my neck got really sore because I kept falling asleep and my head…
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Ryan Klemek
November 26, 2021
Music, Reviews
Andris Nelsons, Berliner Philharmoniker, Boston Symphony Orchestra, BSO, Chicago Symphony Orchestra, CSO, Dmitri Shostakovich, George Lucas, Gustav Holst, Mars the Bringer of War, Oleg Caetani, Orchestra Sinfonica di Milano Giuseppe Verdi, Star Wars, The Planets, Wiener Philharmoniker
The first time I heard Dmitri Shostakovich’s 11th Symphony, I was training for a marathon. I had just finished a 22.3-mile run—my last long one before the race—and was chugging a kale banana walnut hemp seed Greek yogurt orange juice smoothie while skipping around on Spotify. When I found that thunderous section of wild percussion and howling brass in the second movement, I got so fucking high that I started crying like a baby elephant. Endorphins + exciting music = quite a bonkers trip. Film Music Snobby critics often shit on Shostakovich 11 because they think it sounds too much like film music. By this, I assume they mean it’s too melodramatic, too loud, and overly sentimental. Anyone who thinks that is an idiot deserving of a swift kick in the taint, which I will gladly deliver while forcing them to listen to this recording. Is this music dramatic, loud,…
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