Tag Archive: The Devil

Divine Advice For Robosexual

Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
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Divine Advice For Concerned Witch

Dear Divine Advice, Once more I write to you. This time because of another stupid, blind follower of yours, Jesus. Seems this person has decided that a mistranslated story is worth believing more than actual facts, or learning for themselves. This person decided that the story of Jonah and the whale is a true story. As a witch who has studied these magnificent creatures of yours extensively, I can assure you Jonah was swallowed either by a Grouper (they can be as big as a ship’s engine room!) or a catfish, not a whale! Nor was it a shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh. They told me themselves. How can I teach these stupid humanoids that not every story is true? Why do they insist that stories that were more about learning morals than being truthful are true? Also Jesus, why do you keep sending your goons to me when…
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Divine Advice For Dustin Hoffman

Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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Divine Advice For Mark Zuckerberg

Dear DA, Lately I get the feeling that none of my friends are seeing my posts on Facebook, and I don’t think I’m seeing theirs, either. All I get are spammy links to softcore porn and political articles written by Russian hackers. It’s like Facebook has become a never-ending spam folder. When Data built me and my sister Lal, he told me that it was his dream to become more human, but that I shouldn’t even bother trying. So I took his advice and created Facebook. But now, I’m thinking about deleting my account and going back to ham radio. It was such a thrill to finally talk to tweaked out truckers after hours of sifting through static. One time, I even talked to a guy in Switzerland. He was in his basement talking to truckers, too! How is my sister Lal? Of all the souls I have encountered in…
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Divine Advice For Melania Trump

Dear DA, I’m considering leaving my husband. It isn’t just the cheating or the humiliation or him lusting after his own goddamn daughter, it’s everything. He wears trusses whenever he goes out in public. Multiple trusses. And even with the trusses, he looks like a slob. And his odor. He smells like old ketchup and Play-Doh. When I feed him his bedtime cheeseburgers, I have to mash them up in a blender first and put a bib on him. A fucking bib. And when he wakes up in the morning, I have to bathe and dress him. He’s always obstinate about taking his bath. Then there’s the baby powder and the diaper and the trusses. His suits look funny because they’re all onesies. He can’t even tie his own fucking shoes. When I was pregnant with Baron and stopped having my period, he was afraid that Baron might be a…
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Divine Advice For Elon Musk

Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more. NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle. I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves. My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it…
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Divine Advice For Tobey Maguire

Dear DA, I’m a big strong man, but I identify as an androgynous little boy with an enormous clitorous. I talked to my doctor about this and he asked me if I was kidding with him. I told him that big strong men like me rarely kid. He told me I should see a psychiatrist, which I found to be extremely offensive. But he explained to me that body dysmorphia comes in many forms. Did you know there’s an experiment to test the self image of people with eating disorders? They look at a picture of themselves on a computer and are asked to adjust the picture until it looks like they do. People with bulimia and anorexia always adjust the picture to look way fatter than they actually are. Still, I don’t see what this has got to do with me. I’m a big strong man, not some androgynous…
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