Tag Archive: Star Wars

Divine Advice For Average Joe (Matt Damon in Disguise)

Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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Divine Advice For Luke Skywalker

Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
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