Tag Archive: Emma Watson

Divine Advice For Emma Watson

Dear DA, I’ve fallen in love with Ted Nugent. Aside from all of his core beliefs being absolutely despicable, he’s actually a really sweet guy. I feel torn about this because I’ve kind of been an SJW type, and I know that all of the little girls who look up to me are going to be disappointed. Judging by their past reactions, they’ll probably crucify me, but isn’t this what tolerance is all about? I really like being boned by Ted Nugent, so I tolerate the rest. As long as we don’t talk about women’s rights, the civil rights movement, racism, pay inequality, gun control, immigration, veganism, or anything else that’s important to me, we get along great. He really is totally fine as long as you don’t talk about politics or guns. If you do, he’s almost unbelievably awful, but aside from that, really, he’s great. It’s weird to…
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Divine Advice For Chewbacca

Dear DA, I’ve lived a long, happy life and all I had to do was dress up as Chewbacca every other decade or so. I didn’t even have to talk or grunt. All of those Chewbacca noises are combinations of lions, bears, and a constipated George Lucas trying to squeeze one out. You know that sad, resigned little wail Chewbacca does? That’s George when he looks down into the toilet bowl after straining for two hours and sees a turd about the size and consistency of a brown M&M. Another bit of Star Wars trivia: George played the black Ewok, and he sometimes filled in for Kenneth George Baker when the R2D2 can got too hot. Kenneth told me he sometimes found little brown M&Ms in there afterward, they were a bit melted but free chocolate is free chocolate. I never had the heart to tell him. Dying is never…
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TV Review- Family Ties: The Tie That Binds

When I first heard about this, I thought “great, another fucking reboot.” Is Hollywood really this creatively bankrupt? (Yes.) With The Transformers reboot, at least there was the chance that today’s technology could give us a paradigm-shifting experience (and it did! Seven times!). And reboots of 90s classics like Sabrina the Teenage Witch just make sense. Who wouldn’t want to watch a cat puppet talk to a girl we’re not sure how to feel about wanting to hump? But Family Ties? Really? The only reason it worked in the first place was the spank-bankability of Meredith Baxter-Birney. Without the sexual tension between her and Michael J. Fox, what’s the point? I’m happy to report that I was wrong. Dead wrong. Family Ties: The Ties That Bind melds all of the classic archetypes of the original with today’s dystopian angst. We still have the liberal dad (Jeff Goldblum), the hot mom…
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