Tag Archive: Ronald Reagan
The Skull Island Times > Ronald Reagan
RK Galaga
June 28, 2021
Divine Advice
Blood Sport, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, F9: The Fast Saga, Gerard Depardieu, Gorbachev, Hulk Hogan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jesus, John Cena, Marky Mark, Matt Damon, McDonald's, Mr. Nanny, Rocky, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Suburban Commando, Sylvester Stallone, The Fast and the Furious, The Great Wall, The Rock, Uncle Sam, Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me
Dear God’s advice, First of all, please forgive my bad grammar, but this letter was translated from traditional Chinese using Google Translate. Anyway, solve my problem… When promoting my upcoming blockbuster F9: Fast Saga recently, I mistakenly referred to Taiwan as a country. I immediately realized that I had offended our Chinese overlord and publicly apologized in Mandarin and kissed their ass. Kneeling seemed to work. I was not knocked down by lightning, and my career was temporarily saved. The problem is that from that day on, I cannot speak or write in English. I don’t know if I was cursed by a certain Taiwanese wizard or by the ghost of Uncle Sam or Ronald Reagan. Anyway, I was humiliated in front of American friends, and the Chinese people did not respect me. One day, Chinese will become the only language in the world, but before that, I need to…
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H. Seitz
January 25, 2021
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Jesus, Jill Biden, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Terminator, William Henry Harrison
Dear DA, Am I the President now? I think I am, but there’s this little brown woman–excuse me–woman of color who keeps bossing me around, so maybe I’m the Vice President? The woman (whoever she is) is kind of annoying, but honestly, I’m grateful. I almost went out to swear on that bible thingy without my pants on. She really let me have it for that, and I’m glad she got me to put on pants, but is it really that big of a deal? Who wears pants nowadays? I’m going to dress up to just sit in the garage and build birdhouses? That seems ridiculous to me. The people around me keep saying I’m supposed to unite America but never tell me how. How the hell is one man supposed to unite this shithole country? You give these people masks ,and they riot. You try to give them healthcare,…
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H. Seitz
October 12, 2020
Divine Advice
Alex P. Keaton, Andrew Yang, Beelzebub, Donald Trump, Family Ties, Harris, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Joe Biden, Kamala, Lord of the Flies, Revenge of the Nerds, Ronald Reagan, Satan, The Atlantic, Tulsi Gabbard
Dear DA, Am I seeing and hearing what everyone else is seeing and hearing? What the hell is wrong with this country? Trump gets asked about white nationalists, he tells them to standby, and 40 million Americans still want to vote for him? If Ronald Regan had pulled that shit he would have been out, and that was 40 years ago. I’m not some spring chicken, I’ve been around the block, and I seem to remember a lot of this shit, like the propaganda on FOX News, literally being illegal when I was a kid. But oh no no. We geniuses in congress figured that the American people were stupid, but not that stupid, so why keep a law that’s no longer necessary? We never stopped to consider that maybe this law seemed unnecessary because it was working. It’s like throwing away your fire extinguishers because your house hasn’t been…
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H. Seitz
August 13, 2018
Divine Advice
Ben Stiller, Chewbacca, Danny Elfman, Dawson's Creek, Ed Norton, James Van Der Beek, Jenna Elfman, Jesus, Joshua Jackson, Katie Holmes, Keeping the Faith, Michelle Williams, Mission Impossible, Nicole Kidman, Ronald Reagan, Satan, Scientologist, Scientology, Tom Cruise, Tom Gun: Maverick, Zenu
Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
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