Tag Archive: Jesus Christ

Divine Advice for NASCAR President Mike Helton

Dear DA, I noticed Trump has started putting up signage on his podium when he goes out to make a speech or do a press conference. It’s like I’ve been sayin’ all along: Trump is truly our first NASCAR president. Him and I are of a similar mind (and haircut), and this little idea is catching like wildfire. The NBA, NHL, NFL; hell, even MLB is starting to sell space on their unis. Even the Yankees. They refuse to sell the naming rights to their stadium for now, which has to make you hate them just a little bit less, but they’ll come around. Before you know it, Yankee Stadium will be the Google Thunderdome and all of their uniforms will be covered in patches for Arby’s, Build-a-Bear, Carl’s Junior and the like. I’ll betcha even Victoria’s Secret gets in on the act. Won’t that be something? Some 6’4” greaser…
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Divine Advice For Democrats Running For President

Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
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Divine Advice For Barron Trump

Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
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Horoscopes for 3.1.19

Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead.   We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.…
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Divine Advice For Robert Kraft

Dear DA, What the fuck? Isn’t prostitution legal? I mean I know it isn’t technically “legal”, but it’s everywhere. Everyone knows it. What do you think those ads for personal escorts are for? Jesus Christ. And what the hell is with these young people today? I’ve never seen a bigger bunch of busy-bodied tattletales. They’re worse than the Catholic church. For the love of God what a bunch of fucking prudes. So no prostitutes allowed is what they’re saying? That I’m “exploiting” women? That hooker cost me five large, so who exactly is exploiting who? Don’t get me wrong, she was worth every penny. My wife, God bless her soul, is dead. And do you know how many women are interested in having an honest, meaningful relationship with a 77 year-old billionaire? I’ll tell you how many: zero. And I don’t blame them. They want a relationship with the billions…
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Divine Advice For Mitch McConnell

Dear DA, Does eating Turkey Buzzards make me a cannibal? Hehehe. I’m just kidding to show y’all that I can be human and lifelike, too, just like a regular earth fellow. Anyway–my job used to be a lot more complicated until I discovered a little secret that more than quadrupled my efficiency, and I discovered it by accident! It all started when that Obama fella got elected and I announced that whatever he tried to do, we’d block it on principle. Basically, my entire philosophy, and that of the Republican party, boiled down to “Obama bad.” Or now that he’s no longer president, “Obama bad” or “Democrats bad” or “Hillary bad.” It’s amazing how well it works. But with this government shutdown and wall debacle, it’s time to put the old thinking cap back on, and I have to admit that I’ve gotten a little bit rusty. How do I…
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Divine Advice For Vince McMahon

Dear DA, You heard it here first. I, Vince McMahon, am running for President of the United States of America. Once Trump won, he showed crazy, rich, unqualified white guys everywhere that our dreams can come true, too. I’m just like Donald Trump, only younger, stronger, and more well-muscled. I may not be the president this country needs, but I’m the one it deserves. I even had my daughter abducted once. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. I can bench press 450 pounds, I once ate 14 pounds of rotisserie chicken at the Country Time Buffet, and a for a few months in 2004, I was Batman. Every billionaire tries to be Batman at least once. Even Bill Gates tried it. Physically, he was pitiful, but he more than made up for it in sheer evil. If it wasn’t for Windows, we’d have a colony on Mars by now.…
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Divine Advice For Matt Damon 5

Dear DA, What a year, am I right? I hosted Saturday Night Live, I fit an entire pear in my mouth, and I think I managed to undo some of the damage I caused by suggesting there’s a difference between eye-rape, grope-rape, and rape-rape. As a 100% CIS white heteronormative male, I should just shut the hell up and hide myself under a shawl like an arab lady. When Ben Affleck and I are out in public together, I cover myself in a shawl, walk three feet behind him, and keep my eyes to the floor. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned my lesson. And Mary Poppins–have you seen the new Mary Poppins? She’s freakin hot now. I had a dream about her last night, she was beating me with her umbrella and cramming pears down my throat. It was the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had.…
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Divine Advice For Hillary Clinton

Dear Divine Advice, Is it possible that this is the first time I’ve ever written in? I know that my name pops up a lot in your columns, mostly because of the fact that my husband and I are revolting people. We don’t have to go through the list (it’s extensive), but I get it, we really are awful. So, I have a confession to make. Even after losing the Presidential race a couple of years back, I still want to get into the Oval Office. A lot of people assume it’s because I am a power craving egomaniac, which is true, but….here it is, I really just want to fuck a horse. Catherine the Great has always been a great source of inspiration to me, and I’ve always associated great political power with Horse fucking. It’s a little-known secret that every U.S. President …yes, every one, fucks a horse…
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Divine Advice For Brett Kavanaugh

Dear DA, I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure. Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas. At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true. Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration…
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