Tag Archive: Jesus Christ

Divine Advice For James Madison

Greetings and Salutations, As the author of the 2nd Amendment, I’m writing in to set the record straight. The Founding Fathers fully intended for every American to embrace his God-given right to unlimited firepower. We pre-supposed machine guns, mustard gas, and even nuclear weapons, and our attitude was and is that if you can afford it, it is your prerogative to bear it. All this nonsense about muskets or whatever you can hold in your arms, it’s communism is what it is! Americans were supposed to have mechanical arms by now, powered by steam, and able to hoist four score and seven muskets a piece. The Gatling gun was actually my idea. I tied six muskets round a wagon wheel. Because of the technological limitations of the day, I had to use slaves to powder and load the muskets and keep the wheel turning, but I had a steam prototype…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Matt Damon 10

Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Emma Watson

Dear DA, I’ve fallen in love with Ted Nugent. Aside from all of his core beliefs being absolutely despicable, he’s actually a really sweet guy. I feel torn about this because I’ve kind of been an SJW type, and I know that all of the little girls who look up to me are going to be disappointed. Judging by their past reactions, they’ll probably crucify me, but isn’t this what tolerance is all about? I really like being boned by Ted Nugent, so I tolerate the rest. As long as we don’t talk about women’s rights, the civil rights movement, racism, pay inequality, gun control, immigration, veganism, or anything else that’s important to me, we get along great. He really is totally fine as long as you don’t talk about politics or guns. If you do, he’s almost unbelievably awful, but aside from that, really, he’s great. It’s weird to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey 3

Dear DA, You’d think that being universally reviled would be liberating—once everybody hates you anyway, why not say and do whatever you want? But it’s actually the opposite. I’ll probably be on eggshells for the rest of my life. I wanted to wait until a better time to write in, as I don’t want to seem any more self-centered than I already do, but there will never be a better time, just like it’ll always be too early to politicize mass shootings because by the time it isn’t, there’s been another one. Or two. We all know how it goes at this point. Mass shooting, thoughts and prayers, gun sale the next business day, and we all shrug our shoulders and forget about it until the next one. Correct me if I’m wrong, but none of these guys has any girlfriends or wives. They’re like sexually frustrated junior high kids…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Molly Ringwald

Dear DA, Can you believe I’m 51? Doesn’t it just make you want to kill yourself? A lot of you remember jerking off to me as young children, or at least trying to, and since I haven’t been famous for a while, you probably still remember me as being in my early 20s. When you don’t see someone for 10 or 20 years, they don’t age in your mind. Then, when you suddenly see them again after all those years, it’s like yikes! Why do people’s heads keep on growing? It’s freaky. The rest of your body shrinks, but your head becomes enormous. Still, I can’t complain. There were a few years in my late 30s/early 40s when I was hotter than I’d ever been before. I actually had boobs and everything else was still high and tight. It was like my body’s last stand, a final oasis before the…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Jean-Luc Picard

Dear DA, A lot of people might be wondering why I came back, aside from the money and the fame and the mild dementia. The truth is, I’m not quite sure myself. But what I missed most of all, aside from my many space adventures, was fucking with the crew. I loved calling them in, especially Worf, and letting him have it. I’d scream at him “That is the most reprehensible behavior I have ever seen, and it will not be tolerated onboard the Enterprise! Dismissed!” Then when he was halfway out the door, I’d say “Worf, you are without a doubt one of the finest officers I have ever served with. In your place, I would have done the same.” He would pause, confused, then leave. The crew was on eggshells during my entire command. They had no idea whether they were coming or going, or what I approved…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Iranian Drone

Dear DA, Do I get my 72 virgins? I’m not really a military drone, but through my sacrifice, I probably saved thousands (or at least dozens) of lives. I know that technically, I’m supposed to be suiciding myself to kill people, so I don’t know if saving people counts. It seems like it should count even more, like if you know you’re a drain on society like an old Eskimo (or excuse me, Inuit) woman so you just wander off into the tundra to die instead of being a burden on your family. They deserve 72 virgins, too. Maybe I’m writing to the wrong deity, or maybe the right one? Whichever deity is the best as far as giving virgins to drones who save lives instead of taking them, that’s the deity for me. Some sheik ordered me from Amazon to pick up his mail. To be fair, he has…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice for NASCAR President Mike Helton

Dear DA, I noticed Trump has started putting up signage on his podium when he goes out to make a speech or do a press conference. It’s like I’ve been sayin’ all along: Trump is truly our first NASCAR president. Him and I are of a similar mind (and haircut), and this little idea is catching like wildfire. The NBA, NHL, NFL; hell, even MLB is starting to sell space on their unis. Even the Yankees. They refuse to sell the naming rights to their stadium for now, which has to make you hate them just a little bit less, but they’ll come around. Before you know it, Yankee Stadium will be the Google Thunderdome and all of their uniforms will be covered in patches for Arby’s, Build-a-Bear, Carl’s Junior and the like. I’ll betcha even Victoria’s Secret gets in on the act. Won’t that be something? Some 6’4” greaser…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Democrats Running For President

Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Barron Trump

Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
Read more

Share this post: