Tag Archive: Jesus Christ
The Skull Island Times > Jesus Christ
Bridget McCrea
September 17, 2018
Divine Advice
Adam, Jesus Christ, Lilith, Michael J. Fox, Nyx, Spartacus, Teen Wolf
Dear DA, You live in a big city like NY, you eventually see dopplegangers of everyone. A guy who looks exactly like that idiot from high school, except hairier balls, or a woman who looks just like Scarlett Johansson, except 300 pounds. I watch a lot of porn. I’m the kind of guy, I watch porn while I’m eating breakfast. So I’m watching this video yesterday and I see a guy who looks just like me. He made noises like me, screamed like me, made the same little stupid grunts and whimpers. It’s like when you hear a recording of your voice for the first time. It doesn’t sound like you to you, but you get the creepy feeling in your brain that it is you. I got the same feeling watching this guy. I knew it was me, but how could it be? Making a porn video seems like…
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H. Seitz
August 27, 2018
Divine Advice
Aziz Ansari, capoeira, Donald Trump, Dustin Hoffman, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Keanu Reeves, Lazarus, Marvel, Meet The Fockers, Morgan Freeman, Old Testament, Robert De Niro, Satan, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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H. Seitz
June 18, 2018
Divine Advice
Betty White, Bruins Human Centipede, Donald Trump, Estelle Getty, Golden Girls, Guantanamo, Guinness Book of World Records, Jesus Christ, Michael Cohen, Raisin Bran, Red Sox, Rose, Rudy Giuliani, Saag Paneer, Satan, Scarface, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Terminator, The Godfather, Yankees
Dear DA, I’m screwed. You know the people who when they were kids were always misquoting movies? Who’d tell the same dumb joke or say the same stupid catchphrase over and over again and laugh every time? That kid was me. I’ve always been kind of a wannabe. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy. Living with nature among all of God’s creatures, sleeping under the stars and cooking beans over a campfire, all of that stuff sounded awful to me. But being able to shoot Indians or Native Americans or really anyone (but it’s easier to get away with it if they’re brown) would have made all of those hardships worth it. Like a lot of college guys, I went through my “The Godfather” and “Scarface” phase. I would repeat those lines about cannolis and saying hello to my little pal to everyone. I was…
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H. Seitz
June 4, 2018
Divine Advice
Colin Kaepernick, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Larry the Cable Guy, National Anthem, Padres, Pornhub, Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, Satan, Star-Spangled Banner, Trumpanzee
Dear DA, Americans are nostalgic and they love a comeback, and I’m both. Or at least I was. They liked me so much they thought I was kidding about being a Trump supporter. I guess what the millennials say is true. If you’re a rich, privileged, white woman, you can get away with almost anything, except for showing them what hypocrites they are. They liked me, so they figured I must be one of them. Don’t get me wrong. You’re technically God, so you can’t get me wrong and there’s no point in lying to you. What I tweeted was racist. But is that any reason to shame me? That’s race shaming. They’re making me ashamed of being white. Being a racist I can live with, but being white? I’ll never be able to wear a bikini in public again. If I wasn’t a racist, I might actually be ashamed…
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H. Seitz
April 30, 2018
Divine Advice
Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jesus Christ, Rachel Maddow, Satan, Stifler's Mom
Dear DA, I’m basically a more masculine version of Where’s Waldo come to life. But while I don’t stand out in a crowd, I can be difficult to ignore. Especially for birds. Wherever I go, the birds are terrified. They start flapping and clucking or chirping or whatever. Then they fly away. Eventually, everyone flies away. I’ve done a lot of impossible things in my life. My family is very Catholic, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar. And when I was in high school, I could slam dunk a tennis ball. But now, as a 45-year-old lesbian, I feel like my life is missing something. (And it isn’t cock. Don’t you dare say it’s cock.) I’ve got a great career, a great partner, and I’m pretty much right about almost everything. So why do I feel so empty and tortured inside? Am I having a midlife crisis? Hasta la vista, baby,…
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H. Seitz
June 19, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Dead Man on Campus, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, Mark Paul Gosselaar, Matt Damon, Roger Ailes, Satan, Saved By The Bell
Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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