Tag Archive: Jesus Christ
The Skull Island Times > Jesus Christ
H. Seitz
June 29, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Andrew McCarthy, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Ducky, Glasses Girl, James Spader, Jesus Christ, John Hughes, Jon Cryer, Made in Manhattan, Mitch McConnell, Molly Ringwald, Pretty in Pink, Randy Feenstra, Satan, Steve King
Dear DA, Well it’s official: we are on the brink of the Apocalypse. AOC, or as I like to call her, Glasses Girl, just won her primary, and I just lost mine, and she had to go rub my nose in it by calling me out on Twitter. To be fair, I kind of accused her of being a shifty Mexican liar, but the only reason I even mentioned her name was to see if she’d pay attention to me. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but it’s like one of those teen movies where I’m the Superstud Jock and she’s the nerdy Glasses Girl. My plan was to win a bet with Mitch McConnell that I could take her to prom and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her when we went up onstage to get our crowns, but somewhere along the way, I fell for her…
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H. Seitz
May 18, 2020
Divine Advice
Axl Rose, Baron Munchausen, Bucket, Chinese Democracy, Dr. Pepper, Head, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Knocking on Heaven's Door, Louise Linton, Mountain Dew, Nancy Pelosi, Roseanne Barr, Satan, Slash, Steven Mnuchin, Taco Bell, Tootsie Rolls
Dear DA, My entire life, I’ve been cursed. Right after I finished high school, they built a Taco Bell right next to it. Half the reason I moved to LA was for burritos. And I used to love Dr. Pepper, but I got into a fight with Dr. Pepper, so no more Dr. Pepper, and if you don’t drink Dr. Pepper, what are you supposed to get at Taco Bell? Mountain Dew? They have these disgusting energy drinks on tap now, too. I was never happy with anything or anyone or the world in general. Slash was okay, but I needed Bucket Head. Once I got him, I couldn’t stand him. I wish everyone except Bucket Head would wear a bucket on their head so I wouldn’t have to look their stupid blubbery faces. I barely graduated from high school, but at least I know what the American flag looks…
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H. Seitz
December 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Ad Astra, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allen Poe, Elon Musk, George Clooney, Jesus Christ, Nespresso, Ocean's Eleven, Satan, The Cask of Amontillado
Dear DA, I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall,…
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H. Seitz
November 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Brooklyn 99, Cheech and Chong, Chelsea Peretti, Face/Off, Get Out, Jesus Christ, Jordan Peele, Keegan Michael Key, Key and Peele, Laurel and Hardy, Pitch Perfect, Satan, Terry Crews, The Devil
Dear DA, Which one of us is which? I’m the short fat one, and I’m the tall skinny one. Let me explain. Or us explain. Both of us are writing this letter. We do everything together. We all always have, and maybe that’s a part of the problem. We grew up together, and it never really mattered who was who since we were always together anyway. But recently we started wondering about it, so we asked our friends, and none of them would give us a straight answer. Since we’re famous, we tried asking strangers, but none of them seemed to know for sure, either. Just tell us which one is the tall skinny one, or what his name is, or the name of the fat, shorter one. If you could tell us who both of us are, that’d be great, but as long as we know who one of…
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H. Seitz
November 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dana Carvey, Danny DeVito, Hanz and Franz, Jesus Christ, Kevin Nealon, Killing Gunther, Mackenzie Davis, Maria Shriver, Santa Claus, Satan, Saturday Night Live, Terminator Dark Fate, The Devil, The Expendables 4, Twins
Dear DA, I can not believe it that the Terminator Dark Fate can not make any of the money even with me as the Terminator. Maybe it is too sad for the people to see the terminator old and flabby and it is foolish to make the Mackenzie Davis into the teenage boy when she is so much better dressed as the female. The Expendables 4 will make even less of the money because Danny DeVito is my twin and the villain. Do communion wafers have a lot of carbs? I want to accept Jesus Christ into my heart but am afraid of the carbs. What do you do for other people with dietary restrictions? I see on the internet there are vegan communion wafers, but they are $14 for a small box. Wouldn’t it be better to give that money to the homeless? Or take them to see the…
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H. Seitz
October 21, 2019
Divine Advice
Allison Stokke, Anastasia Bryzgalova, Jesus Christ, Megan Fox, Satan
Dear DA, I’ve become the most powerful sampire of my kind, and I know this because women can tell. When you stare at our tits and asses, however covertly, we know it, and most of us like it, as long as it’s only for a few seconds and you’re decent-looking. Maybe it’s true that if men didn’t exist, women would still be living in the forest basket weaving, but if women didn’t exist, so would men. Why invent anything with no fine vagina around to impress? People invent stuff because they’re lazy, but that laziness goes both ways, and if there’s no ass involved, it’s easier to just sit in a cave staring at your foot. A sampire is like a vampire, except we feed on the phantom semen of millions of incels, MGTOWS, and regular old horny dudes everywhere. Girlfriends who put out help, but they aren’t enough. Not…
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H. Seitz
October 14, 2019
Divine Advice
Adam Conover, Gandhi, James Madison. Founding Fathers, Jesus Christ, Manifest Destiny, Roy Moore, Satan, US Constitution
Greetings and Salutations, As the author of the 2nd Amendment, I’m writing in to set the record straight. The Founding Fathers fully intended for every American to embrace his God-given right to unlimited firepower. We pre-supposed machine guns, mustard gas, and even nuclear weapons, and our attitude was and is that if you can afford it, it is your prerogative to bear it. All this nonsense about muskets or whatever you can hold in your arms, it’s communism is what it is! Americans were supposed to have mechanical arms by now, powered by steam, and able to hoist four score and seven muskets a piece. The Gatling gun was actually my idea. I tied six muskets round a wagon wheel. Because of the technological limitations of the day, I had to use slaves to powder and load the muskets and keep the wheel turning, but I had a steam prototype…
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H. Seitz
September 16, 2019
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Judas, Kevin Spacey, Kraken, Matt Damon, Poseidon, Satan, Wayne's World
Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
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H. Seitz
September 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Chef Boyardee, Chris Farley, Emma Watson, Gary Oldman, Harry Potter, Jesus Christ, Satan, Ted Nugent
Dear DA, I’ve fallen in love with Ted Nugent. Aside from all of his core beliefs being absolutely despicable, he’s actually a really sweet guy. I feel torn about this because I’ve kind of been an SJW type, and I know that all of the little girls who look up to me are going to be disappointed. Judging by their past reactions, they’ll probably crucify me, but isn’t this what tolerance is all about? I really like being boned by Ted Nugent, so I tolerate the rest. As long as we don’t talk about women’s rights, the civil rights movement, racism, pay inequality, gun control, immigration, veganism, or anything else that’s important to me, we get along great. He really is totally fine as long as you don’t talk about politics or guns. If you do, he’s almost unbelievably awful, but aside from that, really, he’s great. It’s weird to…
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H. Seitz
August 12, 2019
Divine Advice
Bill Clinton, Bones, Charmed, Harvey Weinstein, House of Cards, Jeffrey Epstein, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, Kevin Spacey, Lenin, Nine Lives, Satan, Supernatural, The Devil
Dear DA, You’d think that being universally reviled would be liberating—once everybody hates you anyway, why not say and do whatever you want? But it’s actually the opposite. I’ll probably be on eggshells for the rest of my life. I wanted to wait until a better time to write in, as I don’t want to seem any more self-centered than I already do, but there will never be a better time, just like it’ll always be too early to politicize mass shootings because by the time it isn’t, there’s been another one. Or two. We all know how it goes at this point. Mass shooting, thoughts and prayers, gun sale the next business day, and we all shrug our shoulders and forget about it until the next one. Correct me if I’m wrong, but none of these guys has any girlfriends or wives. They’re like sexually frustrated junior high kids…
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