Tag Archive: Jesus Christ
The Skull Island Times > Jesus Christ
H. Seitz
January 11, 2021
Divine Advice
Bill Cosby, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jesus Christ, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Rachel Maddow, Satan, Tiffany Trump
Hi Guys, Do you remember me? The “smart” one? This is purely a hypothetical question, but what exactly is the difference between sedition and treason, and is it true that America still hangs people? Jesus Christ this country is absolutely nuts. Let’s say a certain President’s daughter (probably Tiffany) helped to expedite shady dealings on behalf of her mentally ill husband—I mean father. Would that daughter be better off throwing Tiffany and her father under the bus? And why does everyone like Rachel Maddow more than me? I used to be able to dunk a tennis ball, too. I bet I could still do it now, but for a woman like me who actually has breasts, it just wouldn’t be ladylike. Sincerely, Ivanka Trump President 2024 Dear Ivanka, I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call you the “smart” one, but you do seem to be better…
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H. Seitz
November 23, 2020
Divine Advice
Baby Yoda, Gina Carano, J.J. Abrams, Jesus Christ, Jon Favreau, qanon, Rian Johnson, Satan, The Mandalorian
Dear DA, I don’t answer to man’s laws, only to God’s, but I am still subject to the punishment of man, or being “canceled.” If you thought my Tweets were crazy, about masks being a trick or a form of suppression, you’re right. It’s dangerous, irresponsible, and pushes the boundaries of the First Amendment. That crazy bitch should be punished, so my question for you is whether it’s possible to sue myself? I mean, this is kind of like screaming “fire!” in a movie theater when there isn’t a fire, right? You remember movie theaters? Those big, dark places where people used to go to watch giant robots blow each other up and boobies? I’m really torn on this one. On the one hand, I have the right to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and to stand up against the government, scientists, doctors, epidemiologists all while making a…
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H. Seitz
September 21, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Gates, Disney, Flipper, Hitler, Jesus Christ, Satan, Steve Jobs
Dear DA, Who’s currently the biggest animal star in the world? Drawing a blank? Let’s make it easier. Name one animal star. Just one. All of us are so supposedly “woke” nowadays, right? Well I call bullshit. This is specism, pure and simple. It isn’t bad enough that my brothers and sisters are still ending up in tuna. Now the few of us who have managed to rise up have been cut down by CGI. It’s just so much cheaper and easier than dealing with an actual sentient being. And your day is coming, believe me. Google or Facebook will have a God app in no time. Instead of going to church, people will just confess to their phones. You’re supposed to be setting an example, and you won’t even admit that animals have souls. How do you think that makes us feel? Hitler can repent at the last second…
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RK Galaga
September 7, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Dukes of Hazzard, Epstein, Gandhi, Hillary Clinton, incel, Jesus Christ, Kyle Rittenhouse, Planned Parenthood, qanon, Satan, the General Lee, Tom Hanks
Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
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H. Seitz
August 24, 2020
Divine Advice
Cespedes, Detective Pokemon, Duck Dynasty, Field of Dreams, Jesus Christ, Major League Baseball, Major League II, MLB, NY Mets, Rob Manfred, Satan, Sonic the Hedgehog, the History Channel, The Natural, Wreck-It Ralph II, Yankees, Zach Galifianakis
Dear DA, If you’re watching from up there, I apologize. What can I say? This is a mess. A bizarre, unmitigated mess. Teams keep getting COVID, Yankees keep getting injured, and of course, the Mets continue to be the bane of my existence. Something is wrong with them. Players like Cespedes decide they aren’t going to play anymore and just wander off, like they’re volunteering at a soup kitchen, and the Mets are totally fine with it. Can you imagine a player doing that on the Yankees? Or even just a regular guy doing that at his job? Literally just wandering off one day, after you just paid him millions of dollars? It’s like the Mets just don’t get it, that they’re a professional baseball team, and that there are certain standards. Then they go and get COVID right before playing the Yankees, our biggest cash cow. I swear I…
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H. Seitz
August 10, 2020
Divine Advice
Chuck E. Cheese, Donald Trump, Jesus Christ, Jim Harris, Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Kamala the Ugandan Giant, Mike Pence, Satan, WWE
Dear DA, Remember when I was a contender? I was actually polling well until the billionaires told me to can the progressive bullshit. So I started talking about banning Trump from Twitter and my numbers plummeted, but it looks like I’m about to luck my way into becoming VP anyway. It might actually be better this way, now that corporate America knows that I can be “reasonable.” The bar is so low at this point that Biden and I will be an improvement no matter what, but what worries me is that “returning to normalcy” just isn’t going to cut it. This is a strange time politically. Being a rich white man helps, but so does being a black woman, as long as there’s some sort of balance. As far as being capable or qualified, that barely matters at all. What’s most important at this point is what you don’t…
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H. Seitz
July 20, 2020
Divine Advice
Anthony Fauci, Baron Trump, Barron Trump, COVID-19, Don Jr., Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka, Jesus Christ, Mr. Belvedere, Robert Goulet, Satan, Tiffany Trump, Timothy Harleth
Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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H. Seitz
June 29, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Andrew McCarthy, AOC, Bernie Sanders, Ducky, Glasses Girl, James Spader, Jesus Christ, John Hughes, Jon Cryer, Made in Manhattan, Mitch McConnell, Molly Ringwald, Pretty in Pink, Randy Feenstra, Satan, Steve King
Dear DA, Well it’s official: we are on the brink of the Apocalypse. AOC, or as I like to call her, Glasses Girl, just won her primary, and I just lost mine, and she had to go rub my nose in it by calling me out on Twitter. To be fair, I kind of accused her of being a shifty Mexican liar, but the only reason I even mentioned her name was to see if she’d pay attention to me. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but it’s like one of those teen movies where I’m the Superstud Jock and she’s the nerdy Glasses Girl. My plan was to win a bet with Mitch McConnell that I could take her to prom and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her when we went up onstage to get our crowns, but somewhere along the way, I fell for her…
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H. Seitz
May 18, 2020
Divine Advice
Axl Rose, Baron Munchausen, Bucket, Chinese Democracy, Dr. Pepper, Head, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Knocking on Heaven's Door, Louise Linton, Mountain Dew, Nancy Pelosi, Roseanne Barr, Satan, Slash, Steven Mnuchin, Taco Bell, Tootsie Rolls
Dear DA, My entire life, I’ve been cursed. Right after I finished high school, they built a Taco Bell right next to it. Half the reason I moved to LA was for burritos. And I used to love Dr. Pepper, but I got into a fight with Dr. Pepper, so no more Dr. Pepper, and if you don’t drink Dr. Pepper, what are you supposed to get at Taco Bell? Mountain Dew? They have these disgusting energy drinks on tap now, too. I was never happy with anything or anyone or the world in general. Slash was okay, but I needed Bucket Head. Once I got him, I couldn’t stand him. I wish everyone except Bucket Head would wear a bucket on their head so I wouldn’t have to look their stupid blubbery faces. I barely graduated from high school, but at least I know what the American flag looks…
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H. Seitz
December 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Ad Astra, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allen Poe, Elon Musk, George Clooney, Jesus Christ, Nespresso, Ocean's Eleven, Satan, The Cask of Amontillado
Dear DA, I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall,…
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