Tag Archive: Jesus
The Skull Island Times > Jesus
H. Seitz
September 23, 2022
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Bob Saget, Candice Cameron Bure, Cobra Kai, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Fuller House, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, MAGA, Norm MacDonald, Only Murders in the Building, Satan, Selena Gomez, Super Bowl, The Orville, The Other Guys, Tom Brady, World Series, Yankees
Hi guys, I’m technically a Catholic, but not a practicing one. I’ve committed the sin of using birth control thousands of times, including premarital sex, and I’m also superstitious. I’ve invoked the ghost of Babe Ruth several times, which is technically worshiping a false idol, and that alone is enough to get me crucified, but am I really such a bad guy? No disrespect intended, but I’m a mere mortal, and I came through in the clutch when it mattered the most, and you guys–well, to put it politely, haven’t. I’m more of an old-school player, but stats can be useful, and based on the stats, I wouldn’t trust either of you in a high-pressure situation. For supposedly all-powerful phantoms, you guys are kind of lousy and indifferent. I just don’t think you have the competitive drive to win a World Series, let alone save the world, and the numbers…
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Ryan Klemek
May 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Ben Affleck, Boondock Saints, Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant, J-Lo, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Minnie Driver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Williams, Satan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Trivia Pursuit
Dear Divine Advice, Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que– Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que– Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it? Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do? At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. I let Ben…
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Ryan Klemek
April 7, 2022
Divine Advice
Bill O'Reilly, Cary Grant, Ellen DeGeneres, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Jesus, Joe Biden, Putin, Satan, Scott Baio, Sean Hannity, Sean Penn, Steve Doocy, Zelenskyy
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m extremely confused. The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t get the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a nightly basis. I know I’m supposed to hate him—I mean I do hate him, but… You could never know how truly handsome he is until you’re sitting directly across from him. If I’m being honest, I always thought he had this Cary Grant thing going on, but the small screen doesn’t do him justice. In person, this man truly smolders. As we talked about Zelenskyy and Putin and the Russian invasion, I noticed a half chub forming in my pants, but at the time I thought I was just nervous. The truth of the matter is I was falling…
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H. Seitz
February 18, 2022
Divine Advice
Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Ike Barinholtz, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jeremy Renner, Jesse Plemons, Jesus, Joe Rogan, Katy Perry, Kirsten Dunst, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Talented Mr. Ripley, The Martian, Zooey Deschanel
Dear Divine Advice, Who the hell is this Jesse Plemons character? He keeps stealing roles from me, and even worse, people are mistaking him for me! I mean look at the guy, all bloated with his potato-shaped head, puffy cheeks, and disgusting beer gut. I do all of my own stunts (well, some of them) and that guy couldn’t jump over a fire hydrant. I just did a google search of the guy and my name and picture come up with his–people think we look alike. This is the worst day of my life. Katy Perry and Zooey whatsherface, I can see the resemblance. Except for the knockers, they’re basically the same person, and all hot women look the same to me because I’m progressive. I don’t see color or gender, only hotness. I’m so progressive I support fucking mannequins, because it’s more environmentally friendly than building sex robots. You…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Austin Powers, Ben Affleck, Bourne Identity, Good Will Hunting, J-Lo, Jason Bourne, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Matt Damon, Mini Me, Sarah SIlverman, Satan, Ted Knight, Verne Troyer
Dear DA, I stepped on a newspaper some slob left on the sidewalk, whatever it was, it smelled like dogshit, and it made my dog Carlos bolt. I tried to chase him, but I slipped on the newspaper and ended up covered in dogshit. As I’m cleaning myself off, I see my ex with J-Lo and they both see me and I just want to die. I know I’m no J-Lo, but I try to keep it high and tight. Why do you think I did all those Bourne movies? Anyway, as any normal guy would do, I started hanging around the park. I wanted to catch that irresponsible asshole who let his dog dump all over the sidewalk. So I’m standing by the playground, and it’s like a pedophile in reverse. This kid starts staggering up to me, she looks just like me, same potato head and dead eyes,…
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Ryan Klemek
January 1, 2022
Divine Advice
Beyoncem Amazon, Jesus, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, Time has officially become a blur. Stress is aging people quickly, but nothing else is changing. There’s still a killer virus on the loose, people are still forced to wear masks, schools are still closing down regularly, and it’s still terrifying to go to the store or eat in restaurants. Oh, and the Earth is still on fire—probably more on fire than it’s ever been. Like my father before me, and his father before him, I am inheriting a shit storm that is beyond my ability to fix. The difference this time is, unlike my father and his father, I already don’t give a fuck. They at least tried to fix things, and when they couldn’t do anything, they had enough compassion to be sad and worried about it. I look at all these greedy, selfish people hoping that their problems will just magically go away…
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H. Seitz
December 20, 2021
Divine Advice
Annie Ross, Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Jackie Cooper, Jesus, Margot Kidder, Richard Prior, Robert Vaughn, Satan, Superman, Superman III, The Devil, Warner Brothers
Dear DA, I don’t like being sucked into politics, but lately, I’ve been getting heat from both sides. Some liberals hate me for my toxic masculinity, which I admit is a problem. I can’t just punch all of my problems into outer space. I mean I can, but I shouldn’t. On the other side, conservatives can’t stand that I’m bulletproof, but have somehow twisted my invulnerability into a reason they need even more guns. As a person of bulletproofness(?), and an increasingly jaded one, I couldn’t give two shits one way or the other. I’ve pretty much stopped saving people unless they’re extremely attractive, and even then, being Superman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. One window washer I caught claimed that I touched him “inappropriately,” and somehow Disney is trying to sue me, too? When posing as a human, I work as a stringer for a newspaper (Pa…
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Ryan Klemek
November 8, 2021
Divine Advice
Captain Kirk, Decepticons, Elon Musk, Galaxy Quest, Jeff Bezos, Jesus, Monopoly, Pontius Pilate, Richard Branson, Satan, Tony Shalhoub
Photo by NASA
Dear Divine Advice, First of all, let me say on behalf of all “extraterrestrials,” that we appreciate how your pope has decided we might have souls. It’s condescending as fuck, but the fact that His Holiness is acknowledging us at all is real progress. What we don’t appreciate are your billionaires planning to colonize our planet as though it’s just another piece of real estate they can acquire in a game of Monopoly. Mars is an uninhabitable wasteland and there’s nothing worthwhile to mine, so I can only assume they’re coming here to enslave us. Aside from the ethical issues, there are practices problems with this as well. Gravity on Earth is 2.66 times greater than it is on Mars, so we Martians simply won’t have the strength to build your pyramids and railroads. Maybe you just want to force our women into prostitution, and let me tell you, that…
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H. Seitz
November 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Babe, Galactus, Hellboy, Homestyle Buffet, Jesus, Paul Bunyan, Satan, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal
Dear DA, I may not be the greatest basketball player of all time or even the best center, but when it comes to eating pancakes, I stand alone. Even when colleges were recruiting me, the one thing that impressed coaches more than my size and natural athleticism was my Shaqernatural ability to eat pancakes. You can google it. All of them agreed I was destined for greatness, and every single coach I ever ate breakfast with still talks about the insane amount of pancakes I can put away.(I mean amount, not number, because when I eat, food is measured by cubic kilo). I was feared on the court, but I was even more feared at the Homestyle Buffet. Near the end, when I was pushing 500 pounds, they could hear me coming from across the parking lot and knew it was over. Check it: every city with an NBA team,…
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Ryan Klemek
October 24, 2021
Divine Advice
Alana Morissette, Dave Coulier, Donald Trump, Dudley Do-Right, Evander Kane, Jesus, Joe Rogan, Justin Trudeau, Sarah McLachlan, Satan, The Joe Rogan Experience, Wayne Simmonds
Dear Divine Advice, As one of the only black hockey players in the world, I’m kind of like a four-leaf clover, except I don’t bring good luck. Recently, I was given a 21-game suspension for submitting a fake COVID vaccination card, which is super embarrassing, because Canadians are supposed to be more sensable than our hot-headed American neighbors. Like a true Canadian, I apologized profusely once I got caught, but the guilt will haunt me forever. We don’t have guns up here, so walking around unvaccinated is the most dangerous thing you can possibly do in our society. Rules exist for a reason, and by subverting my employer’s health protocol in such an underhanded way, I’ve brought shame to my entire country. My suspension is little more than a slap on the wrist, and I fear a harsher punishment awaits me in the afterlife. Is there anything I can do…
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